May 16, 2009 01:01
I’m sorry.
I mean, there are a lot of us who wanted to be parade trainers. Some of us have been out there for years and ignored. Others just decided it might be fun to go for it. And four people got the job. We knew that was going to happen. I wanted to apply. I wanted it really badly, but thanks to a Safety I got back in November, I wasn’t qualified.
Have I mentioned I’m prone to being jealous? I hated a lot of people for being allowed to apply when I couldn’t. I wanted a few of my friends, the ones who had originally encouraged me to get it (not the leads, the other friends, I’m not that big a brown-noser). I felt like the people in the same kind of mindset I had should be next in line. I had a mock interview, and I know what I’m supposed to say for next time. And I still did my best to be a “good cast member”. I was always on time, tried (with varying degrees of success) to be friendly to people, and did the job I was supposed to do as well as I could.
Know what? I wouldn’t have got the position anyway. Because naturally I’m reserved if not totally shy. When I was a guest I hated cast members coming up and trying to talk to me because I didn’t know them and I’m an introvert. I have trouble being extroverted all the time even though that’s basically what I’m being paid to do. It feels hypocritical. Apparently, the management team has decided it wants to focus on guest interaction even more, and I’m not the person to train for that job. Sure, I know how to set up Main Street and how to get angry people to duck under the ropes and still think they’ve won. And yes, I know there are people even more knowledgeable than me out there. When I came back from my never-ending eight months or so of closing Jungle, I knew to go to people like Chris to remind me what to do and when. But that can be learned. Being nice to people and outgoing and friendly all the time, that’s much harder and I’m afraid I’ll never get it. I am very good at fading into the background and being invisible tends to upset me.
Even so, I did not take the news of the new trainers very well. I was at school and really excited about the Star Trek premier and then I got this text telling me who got the position. I had a crying fit. Because I was jealous. For me, this was on top of a lot of other mental garbage I’d been neglecting to deal with lately. What made those people better cast members than me? (Apart from the fact that they did not have a Safety on their record that was not contested when it should have been.) And why did it feel like no matter how much I put into things, someone else always one-upped me? I hardly ever got told I was doing things right, that I’d really improved with my guest interaction, that I knew what I was doing and thanks for doing it. I got very little feedback, apart from “I’ll let you know next time” on a regular basis. I mean, a few times a lead had something more constructive for me, but not often. It had started feeling like I needed to be in close proximity to any other cast member to be noticed at all by the guests. Tears were shed over this, and a lot of you saw it. I’m sick of being invisible and I have a lot of issues to work out with my perception of myself and how I think others see me. I felt, illogically, like the people who’d gotten trainer were taking attention that I deserved as well as filling a role I knew I’d be good in.
I spent this past week hating those four people. I’ll admit, one of them I never liked in the first place. I avoided one though, because I figured out what was really bothering me and I was embarrassed about it. I didn’t want to lash out at her over it, I just wanted to complain when she couldn’t hear me and stay out of her way until I could be rational about it. She wasn’t stealing attention from me. I just wanted validation and I was taking things out on the wrong people. But today I finally got up the guts to get over it, and it felt good to have my friend back.
I’m not the only one acting like an ass about this whole thing though. I did say things that I now wish I hadn’t. But today, after seeing and hearing about all these people deliberately undermining the trainer who had been out there today, I’m somewhat upset. Especially with the people who actually said that the management team made a mistake picking who they did. No matter how you feel on the subject, that is not something you say to someone. Under any circumstances. And whether or not the person is a trainer, if you’re in the wrong and someone politely points it out, it’s best to correct the behavior instead of either ignoring them or snapping something rude back. If you want to complain, do it on your own time. Because the more you act like a small child throwing a brat fit, the less likely it is that you are going to be seen as anything else by the people you want to notice you.
So yeah, I disagreed with the choices made with the new parade trainers. I’m over it. If I want the position, I’ll have to try harder at the things I screwed up and make sure I don’t take the fall for any other morons so I don’t get another Safety. Bitching isn’t going to help, it’s only going to make life harder for everyone involved. It sucks hating everyone. I’ve tried that. It’s unhealthy, and it comes back to bite you in the ass because either you realize that you’re really jealous, you’re hating the same things in others that you hate even more in yourself, or you drive everyone else away from you and you get lonely. Probably some combination of this will occur. Please don’t put me in the horrible position of choosing sides between my friends. I know some of you who were passed up would be great trainers, and I’m truly sorry things didn’t work out. Just let up a bit on the people that did make it, please. Until they do something terribly wrong and uncorrectable, give them the benefit of the doubt. And if they do screw up immensely, then you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you’re right and then you can talk shit.
There are, however, people I do not have any problem hating. If, for example, one particular older man would ask if I wanted his assistance instead of pulling things out of my hands and glaring at me while I’m doing the job properly, I wouldn’t have such an issue with him. And this NO/CC vs Adv/Front thing is driving me crazy. If only Fantasmic! would hurry up and come back so the people who insist on a show of superiority would be separated. It’s ridiculous.
So to be brief, please just give the new trainers the benefit of the doubt. If they need help, give it instead of sneering. If you’re in the wrong and you’re corrected, fix the problem instead of making things worse. And please don’t make me take sides, I’m friends with both trainers and non-trainers and I’d love to be able to keep things that way.
I’m done now. Thanks.