Jealousy

[psychowitch_sio]

So there's this guy. I've known him for two years. I've thought I could get to know him better for a lot longer. And really recently I decided to try to go for it, to get into a relationship with him if he was interested.

And then I realized there were problems with this:

1. I'm emotionally immature and still working on basic things like not needing approval from others to feel good about myself.
2. There was another girl making her interest known earlier than I was.
3. I think the idea of being in a relationship, with him or with anyone else, was more appealing than actually getting into something with him. If that makes sense.

So. I hung out with him, I asked him to see a movie, I started a flirty ridiculous game of tag...and I figured I'd leave it there and we could be friends. He's incredibly hard to read. People who are close to him have no idea what he's thinking. He's a good deal older than me, and considering he'd be my first whatever-happened-beyond-friend (I was hoping for boyfriend at the time but anything would have done in the state of mind I was in)...it was weird. Still is. I watched myself go into the weird love-hate thing I get into when I think I'm interested in someone, and this time it made me angry. I didn't want to get his attention and then push him away and refuse to talk to him. That would suck for both of us.

And then I figured out that I had bigger problems than flirting while someone else was interested and went to deal with that issue. I'm learning a lot, like why I do that love-hate pushing thing. I also decided to let things be, let him and the other girl get together if they liked and I wouldn't have a problem with that. It's his life, he can date who he likes.

The thing is, I was never supposed to learn that she was interested. Hardly anyone knew I was, but she and a mutual friend got to talking about him in front of me. So today, when she showed up at work and started talking about him with one of the gay skippers, I couldn't tell her why I was running away, hiding, blushing and feeling a bit sick. Even though I thought I'd let things go, I'm still feeling jealous over all this.