its nice to every day...
Be put down.
Be told what a bad person you are.
Be talked to like a child being disciplined.
Be discouraged.
Be talked to in a condecending manner.
Be disrespected.
Be forcebly molded into what others view as right, by their own hypocritical standards.
Be used.
Be disrespected.
Be called names.
Be insulted when you try to do something by someone else's standards to please them.
Be yelled at.
Be argued with for anything and everything.
Be punished.
Be judged.
I'm such an idiot. I'm tired of working my ass off only to have to give everything up for some person that doesn't have any respect or consideration for me. I know I'm damaging who I am. I've already lost so much of who I am. I know I'm forgetting daily how real love should look, be given, felt. I know this is breaking me. Any good personality traits I did have won't be there anymore I fear if I do ever get out. I'm gonna become a by-product of all this no matter how much I fight it. I can already feel it starting. I don't even see a way out. And its all my fault. I stuck thru it hoping for him to get better. It did for him because he made positive self-growth choices. In some ways that do effect me as well, but the ones that only effect me and not him he sees no reason to change. (And yet u feel i owe u the respect to be good to you, something ive always tried to practice anyways) Its easy to be blinded by our faults when they don't hurt us personally. That's exactly what's happened here. I prayed and wished my heart out for him to become a better person for his own sake, to reach his full potential. Stop being the cause of of a lot of his own pain. Even if it ment he was not with me in the end. Really jinxed myself there. He is doing great in many ways. We will never be a team though. I will always be the enemy. I am the punching bag for years of pent up pain and aggression. From years of a fatherless, abusive loveless childhood with his drunk mother. For years of bullying by peers. For abandoment issues. For damage from drugs and other lifestyle choices. For shitty slutty emotionally/physically/mentally abusive ex girfriends. For fake friends that were only in it for the company of misery.
It all comes out on me. If only I could suffer, as u have, on top of my own life experiences, you can feel not so insignifigant.
And because of pain, fear, anger and a narcissistic blind eye, nothing will ever change that.
I've really out done myself this time. And here I thought getting sober and questioning everything I thought I knew, I was getting out of my own way. But nope... I had to go and get myself into the most idiotic situation I could. (All in the name of love. HA!) One that I have no control over unless I want to give up the last bit of my life I haven't lost.
Stupid stupid girl.
Be told what a bad person you are.
Be talked to like a child being disciplined.
Be discouraged.
Be talked to in a condecending manner.
Be disrespected.
Be forcebly molded into what others view as right, by their own hypocritical standards.
Be used.
Be disrespected.
Be called names.
Be insulted when you try to do something by someone else's standards to please them.
Be yelled at.
Be argued with for anything and everything.
Be punished.
Be judged.
I'm such an idiot. I'm tired of working my ass off only to have to give everything up for some person that doesn't have any respect or consideration for me. I know I'm damaging who I am. I've already lost so much of who I am. I know I'm forgetting daily how real love should look, be given, felt. I know this is breaking me. Any good personality traits I did have won't be there anymore I fear if I do ever get out. I'm gonna become a by-product of all this no matter how much I fight it. I can already feel it starting. I don't even see a way out. And its all my fault. I stuck thru it hoping for him to get better. It did for him because he made positive self-growth choices. In some ways that do effect me as well, but the ones that only effect me and not him he sees no reason to change. (And yet u feel i owe u the respect to be good to you, something ive always tried to practice anyways) Its easy to be blinded by our faults when they don't hurt us personally. That's exactly what's happened here. I prayed and wished my heart out for him to become a better person for his own sake, to reach his full potential. Stop being the cause of of a lot of his own pain. Even if it ment he was not with me in the end. Really jinxed myself there. He is doing great in many ways. We will never be a team though. I will always be the enemy. I am the punching bag for years of pent up pain and aggression. From years of a fatherless, abusive loveless childhood with his drunk mother. For years of bullying by peers. For abandoment issues. For damage from drugs and other lifestyle choices. For shitty slutty emotionally/physically/mentally abusive ex girfriends. For fake friends that were only in it for the company of misery.
It all comes out on me. If only I could suffer, as u have, on top of my own life experiences, you can feel not so insignifigant.
And because of pain, fear, anger and a narcissistic blind eye, nothing will ever change that.
I've really out done myself this time. And here I thought getting sober and questioning everything I thought I knew, I was getting out of my own way. But nope... I had to go and get myself into the most idiotic situation I could. (All in the name of love. HA!) One that I have no control over unless I want to give up the last bit of my life I haven't lost.
Stupid stupid girl.