All at once
It's amazing how you find music, and it touches your soul to exactly how you're feeling, and almost instantly you can feel better and put things into perspective.
Lately It's been confusing to me, life. I have the best person on my side to talk to me and comfort me through a lot of things.
Words want to come out that I can never say to my father, and I want to apologize, but why? Why am I always the first to apologize for something I didn't do. Do I go up to him and say, "Sorry for helping you and the family, I didn't realize that that's not what you wanted and you would've rather died and my family suffer."
I don't care if I'm still in debt because of this, and possibly even more than I realize, but I do not, will not, apologize for this. I always dreamed and hoped that eventually my family will be a family. That maybe one day we can all have a love for each other that family should have, despite the problems...but I think I'm wishing the impossible. Yet I still hold on and put myself last, making sure everyone else has everything even if I don't have what I need. I want to apologize to Phil, because I know it hurts him to see me like this, and being taken advantage of, to be used.
I know I can't be the glue anymore, but so many people have relied on me to be so in the family, that I fear the moment I leave, everything I've gone through will be in vein and no one will even talk to each other anymore, but who knows, maybe that's what they need to realize what they've taken for granted - time.
Eventually my time will pass here, and I'll have to move on, not only to grow and learn to be happy for me, but because trying to stay here to make sure everyone is fine (not only in my homes but in the homes of my sisters, my grandmother), might eventually kill me. I know there are angsty and emo kids who say the same thing, but let them walk a day in my shoes, and know how hard life has been for me, despite trying to be happy. I'm not being emo, or making a big deal out of a small situation. I need to learn to smile more often, and be sincerely cheery, not the happy I am to hide my actual emotions.
I never wish my life and hardships on anyone, ever. So if you have the opportunities that I don't have, go out, make friends, have fun, live life. I've lost so many friends along the way because of excuses that I have to make for my family. Friends who can't understand that I can't go out because I have to care for my niece, or my dad is too sick to stay home on his own, or my mom who is too tired to even take care of herself when she gets home from work. Things go aside and I will stay home, make dinner, and make sure the house is running smoothly...no one goes without, except for me. I don't mind as long as I can hold on to that one thread of hope that one day my family will be a family, and I don't have to worry about being good enough for them anymore.
Much love to everyone.
*~*~*~*
All at once - Jack Johnson
Lately It's been confusing to me, life. I have the best person on my side to talk to me and comfort me through a lot of things.
Words want to come out that I can never say to my father, and I want to apologize, but why? Why am I always the first to apologize for something I didn't do. Do I go up to him and say, "Sorry for helping you and the family, I didn't realize that that's not what you wanted and you would've rather died and my family suffer."
I don't care if I'm still in debt because of this, and possibly even more than I realize, but I do not, will not, apologize for this. I always dreamed and hoped that eventually my family will be a family. That maybe one day we can all have a love for each other that family should have, despite the problems...but I think I'm wishing the impossible. Yet I still hold on and put myself last, making sure everyone else has everything even if I don't have what I need. I want to apologize to Phil, because I know it hurts him to see me like this, and being taken advantage of, to be used.
I know I can't be the glue anymore, but so many people have relied on me to be so in the family, that I fear the moment I leave, everything I've gone through will be in vein and no one will even talk to each other anymore, but who knows, maybe that's what they need to realize what they've taken for granted - time.
Eventually my time will pass here, and I'll have to move on, not only to grow and learn to be happy for me, but because trying to stay here to make sure everyone is fine (not only in my homes but in the homes of my sisters, my grandmother), might eventually kill me. I know there are angsty and emo kids who say the same thing, but let them walk a day in my shoes, and know how hard life has been for me, despite trying to be happy. I'm not being emo, or making a big deal out of a small situation. I need to learn to smile more often, and be sincerely cheery, not the happy I am to hide my actual emotions.
I never wish my life and hardships on anyone, ever. So if you have the opportunities that I don't have, go out, make friends, have fun, live life. I've lost so many friends along the way because of excuses that I have to make for my family. Friends who can't understand that I can't go out because I have to care for my niece, or my dad is too sick to stay home on his own, or my mom who is too tired to even take care of herself when she gets home from work. Things go aside and I will stay home, make dinner, and make sure the house is running smoothly...no one goes without, except for me. I don't mind as long as I can hold on to that one thread of hope that one day my family will be a family, and I don't have to worry about being good enough for them anymore.
Much love to everyone.
*~*~*~*
All at once - Jack Johnson
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