not happy yet
well theres a few things i want to rant about today. but dont worry i have not yet had another episode of where i just want to die because at the moment im on my way still... plus its christmas nearly i gotta at least pretend to enjoy life
anyway first things first.. im still loking for a job in worcester so i can move. i am not having much luck witht his, but it is the only thing keeping me going knowing that sometime hopefully soon i will be off this retched island and almost happy again..........
secondly, i dont know how to feel about this.. the man my mom went to marry when she left died about 2 weeks ago..... all i can think is now she knows how i felt. now she knows what it feels like when your world comes crashign down infront of your eyes. i want to see her shake her and just tell her that the pain will never go away that she will hurt forever, and that although a loss of life is never good i am happy that she can finally understand what i feel and hopefully she will probably realise why i can never forgive her. because that pain is so bad and it will never go away
i dont quite understand why, because i wouldn never even wish that pain on my worst enemy but it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that my mom knows what it feels like to hurt so badly.
i did contemplate emailing her to tell her all this but my dad said it was a bad idea. personally i think that a tiny bit inside him still has some feelings for her, but they were together for 27 years so this is understandable, and furthermore although he hurt too i do not think he understands the hurt from my point of view.
having never been able to understand my feelings or even know what im feeling at times then it concerns me that i am relieved to an extent that this man is dead... does that make me a bad person??