Depressed again
w ow its been nearly 2 years since i felt angry enough to write in here, i still argue with my mom but now its more for amusement than anything else cos she deserves to be hurt...yes i know thats childish and pointless but it makes me feel good, and at the moment i REALLY could do with something to make me feel good
this is why... i have finally been able to admit to myself that I HATE MYSELF i blame surroundings and changes in my life for my anger but this is not the case, people who come out on the other side of problems with their head held high like i did ae upposed to be stronger than before, brave somehow and happy........well it turns out in my case for years this has been an act.....just one big fat lie to me and everyone i know, love and care about.. they dont deserve it of course but i cant help it i cant go, oh by the way im a wreck, im not that person you all i think i am.... i have no direction in life, you shouldnt turn to me with your problems, because i cant even sort out my own fucking head. i cant believe that 4 yrs my close friends have turned to me for a shoulder to cry on and to ask for advice when i cant even sort my own life out WHY THE FUCK DO THEY LISTEN TO ME i mean seriously there is no way i can be that good at hiding it is there???
although i suppose i could, i mean after all at some point id even managed to convince my self i was a happy go lucky person with so much to offer and live for, i guess its true if you live the lie for so long, you can even start to believe your own lies, i mean deep down iv always known about these insecurities niggling away, but until eciently i never knew they went so deep, i wont go into details about what made me realise this, all that you need to know is that i did.
i feel so alone right now, i want someone to sit here and listen to me and hug me while i cry, and tell me its going to be all right, im just being silly, but thats not going to happen, i cant talk to people abut whats goin on inside my head, its too totally different from the person they think i am, and that i wish i really was
i mean i cant even type on here everything i really want to say, thats why it happened now, and its hit me with such a bang, its been bottled up and hidden away for so long. theres several reasons i cant talk about this really firstly i just think people will tell me to stop being silly, u no the way they do when u tell them u hate something about yourself "oh dont be silly ur fine" i know becaus eiv done it a thousand times, but i really mean it, im the ugly one in all of my groups of friends, im the short fat ugly single one who is gonna stay that way forever and be a cat lady. i know this, and i cant tell people because they will say im being silly and that its all rubbish well FUCK THEM cos i know its true i know im right secondly theres always the they have their own problems i dont want to burden them with mine thing, i know my friends would listen if i asked, but several of them see me as the strong one, the one to turn to in times of crisis................i cant show them im falling apart worse than that, that iv fell apart and there are just pieces left that are never gonna get picked up.........because im just not worth it
oh and finally here come the biggie i cant trust them, well i mean i can id trust them with my life, just not my inner insecurities, and here we go heres the cliche oh my mother left me when i was 14 screwin me up in the head forever, but its true, or at leats when i need to lay blame thats where it gets sent, ts easier to focus my anger on just one thing, but seriously if the person i trusted the most, who i was closest too, who everyone believes they can always depend upon betrays you, and abandons u, severing all that trust and dependancy, how can someone ever trust or be dependant on someone again..................... i know youll say u will trust again in time, but i dotn believe that, it wont be trust it will be an act, i'll pretend to trust and then everynight ill be crying myself to sleep because of the same old issues.
i hate the way i look, i dont mind being short, but i hate being fat and spotty and arkward, i hate that i am a bitch to even the people i care about most because it keeps them at a safe distance, i hate that im jealous of everyone else in the world, i hate that i feel im the worst person on the planet and dont deserve to live, i hate that i hate myself, and most of all i hate that im not the person everyone thinkgs i m, and i hate that i cry, that im not strong, and that m a big fat fake. i hate that noone knows the real me, i hate that i cant tell anyone who the real me is, i hate that i cant even tell people i have issues, in a serious discussion without turning it into a joke to keep myself safe, i hate being vunerable, i hate that i cant let myself be vunerable once in a while. i hate that im scared i hate that im confused, i hate that i cant stop crying, i hate that my hair gets greasy so quickly, i hate that my teeth are wonky, i hate myself for not being pretty, i hate that i pretend the way i look doesnt bother me, i hate that although i dont want to have to depend on someone that i need someone to depend on, i hate that im needy, i hate that im stupid, i hate that i didnt make more of my time at uni, i hate that im not at uni anymore, i hate that i let everything get to me, i hate that im weak, i hate thatim not strong enough to cope, i hate that im not happy i hate that i cant show people i have a caring side, i hate that i cant make the best of what iv been given, i hate feeling sad, i hate my fat, i hate my double chin, i hate my short stubby fat fingers, i hate my strechmarks, i hate my smell, i hate my dry lips, i hate my thunder thighs, i hate my fat arms, i hate everythign there is about me
this is the worst i ever remember feeling, and i really needed to write it down, but i wont adresses these issues, ill jst get up tomorro and pretend like nothing happened, that i am who they all think i am afterall i cant let them down can i. its not about impressing people, its about being therefor them, being the friend they want, being a strong person for the sake of others, after all all this emphasis on me is just selfish isnt it???
this is why... i have finally been able to admit to myself that I HATE MYSELF i blame surroundings and changes in my life for my anger but this is not the case, people who come out on the other side of problems with their head held high like i did ae upposed to be stronger than before, brave somehow and happy........well it turns out in my case for years this has been an act.....just one big fat lie to me and everyone i know, love and care about.. they dont deserve it of course but i cant help it i cant go, oh by the way im a wreck, im not that person you all i think i am.... i have no direction in life, you shouldnt turn to me with your problems, because i cant even sort out my own fucking head. i cant believe that 4 yrs my close friends have turned to me for a shoulder to cry on and to ask for advice when i cant even sort my own life out WHY THE FUCK DO THEY LISTEN TO ME i mean seriously there is no way i can be that good at hiding it is there???
although i suppose i could, i mean after all at some point id even managed to convince my self i was a happy go lucky person with so much to offer and live for, i guess its true if you live the lie for so long, you can even start to believe your own lies, i mean deep down iv always known about these insecurities niggling away, but until eciently i never knew they went so deep, i wont go into details about what made me realise this, all that you need to know is that i did.
i feel so alone right now, i want someone to sit here and listen to me and hug me while i cry, and tell me its going to be all right, im just being silly, but thats not going to happen, i cant talk to people abut whats goin on inside my head, its too totally different from the person they think i am, and that i wish i really was
i mean i cant even type on here everything i really want to say, thats why it happened now, and its hit me with such a bang, its been bottled up and hidden away for so long. theres several reasons i cant talk about this really firstly i just think people will tell me to stop being silly, u no the way they do when u tell them u hate something about yourself "oh dont be silly ur fine" i know becaus eiv done it a thousand times, but i really mean it, im the ugly one in all of my groups of friends, im the short fat ugly single one who is gonna stay that way forever and be a cat lady. i know this, and i cant tell people because they will say im being silly and that its all rubbish well FUCK THEM cos i know its true i know im right secondly theres always the they have their own problems i dont want to burden them with mine thing, i know my friends would listen if i asked, but several of them see me as the strong one, the one to turn to in times of crisis................i cant show them im falling apart worse than that, that iv fell apart and there are just pieces left that are never gonna get picked up.........because im just not worth it
oh and finally here come the biggie i cant trust them, well i mean i can id trust them with my life, just not my inner insecurities, and here we go heres the cliche oh my mother left me when i was 14 screwin me up in the head forever, but its true, or at leats when i need to lay blame thats where it gets sent, ts easier to focus my anger on just one thing, but seriously if the person i trusted the most, who i was closest too, who everyone believes they can always depend upon betrays you, and abandons u, severing all that trust and dependancy, how can someone ever trust or be dependant on someone again..................... i know youll say u will trust again in time, but i dotn believe that, it wont be trust it will be an act, i'll pretend to trust and then everynight ill be crying myself to sleep because of the same old issues.
i hate the way i look, i dont mind being short, but i hate being fat and spotty and arkward, i hate that i am a bitch to even the people i care about most because it keeps them at a safe distance, i hate that im jealous of everyone else in the world, i hate that i feel im the worst person on the planet and dont deserve to live, i hate that i hate myself, and most of all i hate that im not the person everyone thinkgs i m, and i hate that i cry, that im not strong, and that m a big fat fake. i hate that noone knows the real me, i hate that i cant tell anyone who the real me is, i hate that i cant even tell people i have issues, in a serious discussion without turning it into a joke to keep myself safe, i hate being vunerable, i hate that i cant let myself be vunerable once in a while. i hate that im scared i hate that im confused, i hate that i cant stop crying, i hate that my hair gets greasy so quickly, i hate that my teeth are wonky, i hate myself for not being pretty, i hate that i pretend the way i look doesnt bother me, i hate that although i dont want to have to depend on someone that i need someone to depend on, i hate that im needy, i hate that im stupid, i hate that i didnt make more of my time at uni, i hate that im not at uni anymore, i hate that i let everything get to me, i hate that im weak, i hate thatim not strong enough to cope, i hate that im not happy i hate that i cant show people i have a caring side, i hate that i cant make the best of what iv been given, i hate feeling sad, i hate my fat, i hate my double chin, i hate my short stubby fat fingers, i hate my strechmarks, i hate my smell, i hate my dry lips, i hate my thunder thighs, i hate my fat arms, i hate everythign there is about me
this is the worst i ever remember feeling, and i really needed to write it down, but i wont adresses these issues, ill jst get up tomorro and pretend like nothing happened, that i am who they all think i am afterall i cant let them down can i. its not about impressing people, its about being therefor them, being the friend they want, being a strong person for the sake of others, after all all this emphasis on me is just selfish isnt it???