Girls, don't grow up to be me.
You are Yuuki Miaka
You love food, boys, and hate studying. However, you are tying to make your family happy by tyring your hardest to do things that are too hard. Often, when things get really tough, you depend on your friends to bail you out. You trust in others to do what is best, even when they often dissappoint you. Your greatest need is loyalty, and it is also your greatest asset.
Take the "What Magic Girl are you?" Quiz
Not really, but she's sooo cute! So that's okay.
I'm warm. And i'm not tired anymore. Grr.
Heard from my brother. He's in between houses again. I figured as much. A phonecall would have been nice.
I watched Will's skit finally. It was hilarious, though Lee and Mikey were difficult to hear. I tried not to be so loud i'd wake Jeremy up, but you know. The poeple are quiet, the crowd is loud.
It reminded me what a hotty Will is. ^ _ ~ He makes me shy. ^ _ ^*
Anybody have good pictures of Edea's costume?
I saw Signs tonight. It was good.
The poeple afterward ran me into the chairs. it hurt. Assholes.
A girl named Raven swears i've been giving her dirty looks every time i see her.
I stole her boyfriend from her my senior year. I never cared for her in highschool. There was something about her I really didn't like, though i never really talked to her. I'm normally not one to make judgement until i've talked to them, but i had seen her interact with enough of my enemies to know that the friend of my enemy is my enemy. She had a resemblance enough to Jennifer Love Hewitt (though she has smaller, beadier eyes), and that was reason enough for me not to like her at the time.
As far as Will Crawford was concerned, she was just a girl that was in my way. She had been given false information that made her angry (and reasonably so, i might add. I'd have kirked out too.).
Now, i kinda look at it as I was rescuing her from Will. I hope she doesn't deal with stupidity like his on a usual basis.
I'm not one to hold grudges for more than 2 years, so i don't think lowly of her anymore. She's probably a very nice girl and probably always has been.
I felt lousy becuase she had had bad experiences with men, and i kinda added to that. But then, i was away from Jeremy at the time (OUCH!) and Will was my rebound guy, despite the fact that he was someone else's.
I feel like i should really apologize to her. I mean, yeah, i'm evil when i need to be, the time to be evil with her as long since passed. She deserves to be happy, (i mean, she didn't do anything wrong to me...) and i shouldn't have gotten in the way when i did.
I was being selfish. It was what i needed at the time.
So many poeple don't understand just how submissive a person i was. Eirik really made me realize that i NEEDED to be selfish, and i NEEDED to be a bitch, otherwise poeple would use me. All the time. And it would never end.
And as strong as everyone thought i was, i was nothing. It took every ounce of being to go on another day. Every day, i looked in the mirror, and said somethign along the lines of, "Today is the day you're going to die. Be prepared." I didn't trust a soul, even those i loved so dearly. I had been betrayed and used so many times, i didn't care when it happened anymore becuase i had seen it coming. "Enjoy it while it lasts", i always said. No matter how tall i stood, i was incredibly easy to walk on. Until Will.
And then Will blew up in my face.
And then i tried to look at the world and say "Come and get me, bitch." And then Dave happened. And then Jim made me realize that i never changed at all. That i was still lying in the road. I had just lifted my head.
I cried alot when i figured that out.
I've changed alot since then. I figured out what i really wanted. And i've been called shallow for wanting what _I_ want.
I really cared for Dave. He needed a light in his life. Everyone thought i could be that light. I felt it was my duty as a human being (and as a buddhist) to help my fellow man, and make him feel like life was worth living.
Then i got in over my head. WAY over my head.
We almost got into a relationship. I left Jeremy for him, and i fell apart. I figured out that i the only reason i'd be with Dave was because he wanted me to be there. Not because i really wanted to be with him. I didn't know what i wanted. I wanted whatever anyone else wanted. And that depressed me more than when the world had turned upside down on me.
I cried alot. Both at the loss of Jeremy, who served as the glue that held my world together, and at the fact i was not my own person. I was still that poser in 5th grade giving that fake cover girl smile to be accepted by those chearleaders, dying to be loved.
I didn't expect to be the woman he'd want to love for the rest of his life. I was trapped.
And Jim, who i considered my most trustworthy friend... me, who trusts no one....
...he called me a shallow whore.
It rivalled the words Chris had said once.
"You didn't just ruin it for me, you ruined it for the both of us."
I think it hurt more coming from Jim becuase i trusted him so much, and i thought so much of him. Becuase i was trying to be strong, and to be my own person for once, and he called me shallow for it.
But becuase i didn't fit into his master plan to save his friend from the miseries of the world....
I'm so shallow. Shallow and stupid and selfish.
Eirik, i hope you're reading this. And i hope you understand why i will never, ever forgive you. I tried to forgive you for what happened that night. But that part of me that says "Heather, you god damned idiot, stand up for yourself! Be your own girl!!" wouldn't let me. It told me that you were bad news, and that i should never speak to the likes of you again.
That's what i meant by "I'm in it for me".
I'm venting.
The moral of the story, girls, is don't let the world walk on you. Your bosses, your lovers, your friends, your family, no one. Ever. Becuase once they start, you can't just ask them to stop. You have to walk back. And sometimes... well, sometimes you have to hurt poeple along the way.
Not long ago, i wanted nothing more than to die.
Now i fear death the most. i have too much to live for. sure, i have to fight for it now, but it's worth fighting for. It is SO worth fighting for. Everyone may be out to get you, but enjoy what you can for as long as you can. Get as much done as possible. Enjoy it.
Joy. Yeah, that's pretty much the main goal in life now. Live life. Not just while it's good... when it's not good anymore, don't give up. Make it good again. don't get discouraged. Don't give up.
Don't give up. Ever.
if i come off as shallow, than so be it. If i come off as a cold, heartless, evil bitch, be glad for me. It's a part of me i've hidden for too long, and to a very unhealthy extent.
I watch Jeremy sleep, and all i can do is cry, becuase i could not ask for my life to be better. My worst day with him around now is still better than my best day without him. He makes me sane.
Life is good, poeple. Bask in it.
"Did it ever occur to you that i may be God's way of saying 'I'm sorry'?"
-jeremy.