Not even me...
When someone tells me I'm beautiful, or tries to pay me a compliment, I don't believe it. Not even a little bit. I think they're absolutely crazy for seeing something that I cannot see. I used to feel beautiful. I used to feel loved. I've forgotten what those things feel like.
I know that I rushed into things all those years ago. I fell for you fast and hard...even though I tried to hold back. You tried to warn me so many times...but everything was so out of my control. I thought surely at some point you would fall in love with me, too. But time and time again you told me you just didn't feel as strongly. I don't know why I didn't listen. I felt loved...I felt appreciated. I felt so happy that someone actually wanted to be with me. But then all of that changed. After the first time you broke up with me, things never went back to how they were before. I can't pinpoint every change...I just now that slowly things were changing...and over the years things have got increasingly bad. We passed that "new" stage, and it's like everything that we built up to slowly died. There was always something new that would come up along the way, something that would make me feel insecure and invalid. Always something new or someone else that you would talk to or write about. Something else for me to put on the list of things/people that are better than me or at least more appealing to you. Just so much shit has happened over the past several years...and I don't even know what to think or feel anymore. I really truly thought that we were a great match when we started off...but then it's like everything went so terribly wrong and we can't even get along anymore.
YES I understand that I am a complete bitch to you a lot. YES I am aware that I can be downright mean and say cruel things to you. YES I know that I suck, and that I'm not helping. But I don't know HOW to HELP anymore. I tried for a long time to try and "help" you. I tried different things. I gave up. I can't help you fix yourself. You can't help me fix myself. It doesn't work that way. I wish we could go back to the way things were before, but that is impossible. The present is all we have to work with.
For at least the last four years I have been trying to validate myself in some way or another...because I've been made to feel so terrible by the things you have done and the things you have left undone. You've never abused me, but you have neglected me terribly. And told me that you had no interest in things I had to offer you, only to turn around and seek them elsewhere from other people. How am I supposed to respond to that?? It's basically a slap in the face. All of the time. Even after I got my shit together and stopped trying to look elsewhere for satisfaction, you still treated me the same way.
And you've always made me feel like I'm completely out of line for bringing up our sex life as an issue...but it is, and it has been for so long. And it's not just my opinion...there are scientific facts to back up what I've tried to express. It really is important for everything... and it's not the being unsatisfied part that is the worst. It's the feeling like I'm not good enough to deserve receiving it from you. (At least not more than 4 times a year) Like it would just be soooo much of a hassle for you to do something with me that humans have been doing since the dawn of time... I just don't get why it's so hard to be intimate with me, but so easy to "pretend" with strangers and watch random weird porn when I'm not around.
I tried so hard to be good enough. I've sacrificed so much over the years, and no one ever seemed to notice.
They only notice when I shut myself off, when I become mean... Everyone notices my attitude changes, but not their own behaviors that led to those changes.
I know that I rushed into things all those years ago. I fell for you fast and hard...even though I tried to hold back. You tried to warn me so many times...but everything was so out of my control. I thought surely at some point you would fall in love with me, too. But time and time again you told me you just didn't feel as strongly. I don't know why I didn't listen. I felt loved...I felt appreciated. I felt so happy that someone actually wanted to be with me. But then all of that changed. After the first time you broke up with me, things never went back to how they were before. I can't pinpoint every change...I just now that slowly things were changing...and over the years things have got increasingly bad. We passed that "new" stage, and it's like everything that we built up to slowly died. There was always something new that would come up along the way, something that would make me feel insecure and invalid. Always something new or someone else that you would talk to or write about. Something else for me to put on the list of things/people that are better than me or at least more appealing to you. Just so much shit has happened over the past several years...and I don't even know what to think or feel anymore. I really truly thought that we were a great match when we started off...but then it's like everything went so terribly wrong and we can't even get along anymore.
YES I understand that I am a complete bitch to you a lot. YES I am aware that I can be downright mean and say cruel things to you. YES I know that I suck, and that I'm not helping. But I don't know HOW to HELP anymore. I tried for a long time to try and "help" you. I tried different things. I gave up. I can't help you fix yourself. You can't help me fix myself. It doesn't work that way. I wish we could go back to the way things were before, but that is impossible. The present is all we have to work with.
For at least the last four years I have been trying to validate myself in some way or another...because I've been made to feel so terrible by the things you have done and the things you have left undone. You've never abused me, but you have neglected me terribly. And told me that you had no interest in things I had to offer you, only to turn around and seek them elsewhere from other people. How am I supposed to respond to that?? It's basically a slap in the face. All of the time. Even after I got my shit together and stopped trying to look elsewhere for satisfaction, you still treated me the same way.
And you've always made me feel like I'm completely out of line for bringing up our sex life as an issue...but it is, and it has been for so long. And it's not just my opinion...there are scientific facts to back up what I've tried to express. It really is important for everything... and it's not the being unsatisfied part that is the worst. It's the feeling like I'm not good enough to deserve receiving it from you. (At least not more than 4 times a year) Like it would just be soooo much of a hassle for you to do something with me that humans have been doing since the dawn of time... I just don't get why it's so hard to be intimate with me, but so easy to "pretend" with strangers and watch random weird porn when I'm not around.
I tried so hard to be good enough. I've sacrificed so much over the years, and no one ever seemed to notice.
They only notice when I shut myself off, when I become mean... Everyone notices my attitude changes, but not their own behaviors that led to those changes.