(no subject)
I haven't been to the hospital in a couple days. I feel immense guilt for not, but it just got too hard to go there by myself and she didn't know who I was anymore. She wasn't comforted by me anymore. She didn't even look at my face as familiar, but looked right through me as though I wasn't there and something existed there that I couldn't see.
Last night I called my dad to explain to him that it was too hard to go alone anymore and that I wanted him to go with me or meet me there. He wasn't home and called me after he got there. He had just been at the hospital and he said she had taken a turn for the worse, again. She's back in ICU and she's basically on life support. A feeding tube inserted because she hadn't eaten in days caused her to start choking and not breathe and now the machines breathe for her. How much can one person go through?? why a person goes into the hospital with back pain and ends up in ICU reliant on machines for life I do not understand. why this is all happening so fast and so soon I don't understand. It isn't fair. her suffering isn't fair, that she's going to miss so much isn't fair. I haven't even begun really, and she won't be here to see any of it.
if i would have gone to the hospital last night after work as I had intended I would have gone up to her room on the third floor and walked into an empty room with an empty bed for the third time. which is an awful feeling.
i should be getting ready for work. but i can't move. i should be going to the hospital but it's too hard. so instead alone i sit.
Last night I called my dad to explain to him that it was too hard to go alone anymore and that I wanted him to go with me or meet me there. He wasn't home and called me after he got there. He had just been at the hospital and he said she had taken a turn for the worse, again. She's back in ICU and she's basically on life support. A feeding tube inserted because she hadn't eaten in days caused her to start choking and not breathe and now the machines breathe for her. How much can one person go through?? why a person goes into the hospital with back pain and ends up in ICU reliant on machines for life I do not understand. why this is all happening so fast and so soon I don't understand. It isn't fair. her suffering isn't fair, that she's going to miss so much isn't fair. I haven't even begun really, and she won't be here to see any of it.
if i would have gone to the hospital last night after work as I had intended I would have gone up to her room on the third floor and walked into an empty room with an empty bed for the third time. which is an awful feeling.
i should be getting ready for work. but i can't move. i should be going to the hospital but it's too hard. so instead alone i sit.