Writing this will make me late for work
So I'm going to keep it brief. Everything in my life is spectacular right now. Things seem to be going really well for me, at long last. Except for one small issue. Because I'm too chickenshit to express myself.
This is still chickenshit but I'm doing it anyway.
Have you stopped to consider the possibility that we may not be as close as we once were? That kills me to say it, because I love you and your friendship so much. But every time I go and hang out with you, I am stuck with the same realizations. These are not my friends. This is not my life. I am a hanger-on to somebody else's good time, feeling uncomfortable and knowing I make other people uncomfortable too. For Christ's sake, I can barely remember anyone's name, and I know they don't remember meeting me before anyway. And this is going to sound so petty and superficial, especially since I'm off in the fall. But being in your life reminds me of how my life has stalled. In order to have friends, I have to "borrow" yours. And it makes me feel like such a shit.
There are no good solutions. I wish it was as easy as calling you, you venting a little, and we'd be back to normal. But hon, things haven't been normal since August, 2003. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. And pretending they have is killing me.
But, again, life is mostly good news right now. Off to see System tonight. Bought an incredibly sexy outfit for it too. Work is going well - last night, not so much, but the joy I am taking from it is that when I went on my break and Kali took over my tables, and one of them was complaining about me (and everything else - margeritas not strong enough, I spend too much time at one end of the table - ?), she told them I was one of their best servers. Kali doesn't shit around. I'm so happy I'm not percieved as the near-fuck-up I feel like sometimes. I'm into UCI and I've submitted the SIR, housing app, etc., so everything's official. I finished Isle. I'm home alone for the week and I'm not miserable about the fact.
I am a little sick. But I feel better this morning and that's good news, because how can I scream at a System concert with a sore throat?
Okay, this was going to be brief. And now I have 15 minutes to get ready for work. Hmm... doable? We shall see. Adios, all.
This is still chickenshit but I'm doing it anyway.
Have you stopped to consider the possibility that we may not be as close as we once were? That kills me to say it, because I love you and your friendship so much. But every time I go and hang out with you, I am stuck with the same realizations. These are not my friends. This is not my life. I am a hanger-on to somebody else's good time, feeling uncomfortable and knowing I make other people uncomfortable too. For Christ's sake, I can barely remember anyone's name, and I know they don't remember meeting me before anyway. And this is going to sound so petty and superficial, especially since I'm off in the fall. But being in your life reminds me of how my life has stalled. In order to have friends, I have to "borrow" yours. And it makes me feel like such a shit.
There are no good solutions. I wish it was as easy as calling you, you venting a little, and we'd be back to normal. But hon, things haven't been normal since August, 2003. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. And pretending they have is killing me.
But, again, life is mostly good news right now. Off to see System tonight. Bought an incredibly sexy outfit for it too. Work is going well - last night, not so much, but the joy I am taking from it is that when I went on my break and Kali took over my tables, and one of them was complaining about me (and everything else - margeritas not strong enough, I spend too much time at one end of the table - ?), she told them I was one of their best servers. Kali doesn't shit around. I'm so happy I'm not percieved as the near-fuck-up I feel like sometimes. I'm into UCI and I've submitted the SIR, housing app, etc., so everything's official. I finished Isle. I'm home alone for the week and I'm not miserable about the fact.
I am a little sick. But I feel better this morning and that's good news, because how can I scream at a System concert with a sore throat?
Okay, this was going to be brief. And now I have 15 minutes to get ready for work. Hmm... doable? We shall see. Adios, all.