ATS: Kindreds 6
Title: Kindred's
Author: Psychofilly
Rating: Pg-NC17
Pairing: C/A, C/S, A/C/S, other
Category: AU, Angst, Romance. Angel never gave Cordy money and Cordy never left with Groo after "Couplet." I started this after "Hells Bells", but it's really more along the line of a follow-up to "As You Were" for Spike.
Disclaimer: Not mine, all Joss's, ME's, and Fox Studios.
Summary: Spike always had been a sucker for a pretty face.
Kindred's 6 of 8 *Post Couplet/Hells Bells*
Archive Version
You shagged him?" Cordy hadn't been downstairs for more than thirty seconds before Spike had taken one breath, flared his nostrils and shouted indignantly, "You, shagged Peaches? You bloody stupid bint! What happened to 'we need to talk'?" His words drew Wes out of his office, curious as to the commotion. Spike threw his cigarette on the floor and ground it under his heel, "You have an interesting way of conversing, I'll grant you that," he grumbled bitterly.
"Spike," Cordy warned, not in the mood to argue
"Really, Spike," Wes chimed in. Cordelia is well aware of the risks...." His eyes wandered over her tousled hair, rumpled clothes, recently scrubbed face and still kiss-swollen lips. "Good-God, Cordelia, you SHAGGED him?"
Cordelia took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Her eyes narrowed, glaring at the two seething Brits. "When else were we ever gonna get a chance to do it? When he's happy, and it would be all 'tra la la, sex with Cordy', and we end up with Angelus on our hands? You know what? Screw you guys, I'm going home!"
"Do you need a ride?" Angel asked quietly as he descended the stairs and stopped by her side.
"Yeah, I'll go get my purse."
"Okay," Angel said as she trudged back upstairs for the forgotten item. Immediately he turned on Wes, expression cold. "Spike I expect to be an ass. What's your excuse?"
"Don't take that tone with me Angel," Wes warned, surprising Spike. It seemed the skinny wank had more of a backbone than Spike thought. "You know as well as I that your actions were irresponsible and potentially disastrous!" He yanked his glasses off his face and rubbed his brow tiredly. "I've known for a while, Angel. Pretty much everyone could see your feelings for Cordelia developing except perhaps Cordelia herself. I trusted that when the time came, you'd act with your head," Wes gestured in the vague direction of Angel's crotch, "And not your- other head."
Spike coughed, trying to cover a bark of laughter that threatened to escape at the watchers accusation. Angel's face was actually reddening, quite a feat for a being with no circulation. Spike noticed the clenched fists under Angel's crossed arms. He wondered if the humans tested Angel's patience to this degree every day. It was almost worth sticking around a while to find out.
"I'm only going to say this once," Angel began in a clipped, terse voice. "What Cordelia and I do -alone- together is none of your business."
"I think it is," Wes started to argue.
"I know, Wes, you are worried about Angelus." Their eyes locked, "So am I. For Connor's sake, for all of you; you have my word that we will be careful."
"Until the next time she wants to have a go, eh?" Spike couldn't help but add. "What then? I don't particularly care to have any repeats of last week any time ever."
"It's a valid question," Wes agreed. "By the very nature of the danger your demon possesses, you cannot expect us to leave you to your own judgment, not when the consequences are so severe."
"Do you trust *my* judgment, Wes?" Cordelia's voice made them all startle.
"In this matter, no," Wes replied.
"Tough," Cordy said, smiling tiredly at Spike. "Angel and I are in this together, long-haul, till Shanshu or death. I appreciate the concern and I love you like the brother I never had, Wes, but you try and break us apart... you won't." Spike watched as Angel put his arm around Cordelia's shoulder and she leaned in, drawing strength from his silent form. "Sex, or no sex, relationship or not, we're connected," she shrugged, "I don't see why we can't try and find *some* happiness where we can. It may not work out in the long run, but you can't ask us not to try."
"So that's it then?" Wes asked. "If you are wrong, if Angel is careless, it's your life and Connor's that will be sacrificed first. If Angelus gets out permanently, he won't just kill you, He'll turn you."
Cordelia looked up at Angel. His dark eyes were unreadable, but slowly, he nodded. When Cordelia looked back at Wes, her features were set in a stubborn expression. "Hence, the fact that we will be careful. Look, I just want to go home." She sighed, leaning heavily into Angel's chest. "I promise, no more wild monkey-love until we've all sat down and you've lectured me until my ears bleed, okay?"
Spike waited, curious as to the watchers reaction. After the initial flash of irritation caused, no doubt, by Cordy's uniquely tactless way of putting things, the ice in his eyes melted and his shoulders relaxed. Perhaps he could see the dark circles of exhaustion under Cordy's eyes or the way she held herself, indicating she was still sore. "In the meantime, I suppose it wouldn't hurt for me to look into ways to secure Angel's soul. There are a few obscure avenues of inquiry that might yield results."
Cordy shot him a look that clearly said, 'I ain't getting my hopes up, bub,' but she smiled and stepped away from Angel to give Wes a short hug. "Goodnight, boss. Don't worry, okay?"
Wes held her tight for a moment, then kissed her cheek. "It's my job," he said, simply.
"I don't get a hug?"Spike stepped forward and opened his arms. Angel growled, and Cordy cocked an eyebrow at him. With an amused chuckle she shook her head, ignoring the offer. She held out her hand for Angel. He took it and hand in hand, they headed for the door. When he turned back, Wes was giving him an odd look. "Bloody unfair if you ask me," Spike grumbled as he lit up a cigarette.
********************
The air was cool against Cordelia's tender skin and the drive home a welcome diversion from the doubts that still plagued her about her and Angel's newly rearranged relationship. The cross from friends to lovers would have come naturally but at a much slower pace if Angelus hadn't have made his brief reappearance. Instead as they drove to her house in silence Cordy could vividly recall the feel of Angel surrounding her, inside her, the way her heart stuttered when he'd admitted he loved her, but it was still so *new*.
Right now, her brain was still trying to get passed the "I saw Angel naked!" phase, and move on to "What now?" She shut her eyes and tilted her head towards the stars. Reality would rear it's ugly head soon enough. She smiled as she remembered Angel's lips on hers, and wondered if the taciturn vamp at the wheel was having similar thoughts.
Angel seethed over Wes' interference as he glanced at his silent companion for about the fiftieth time during their short drive to her apartment. Each time he caught a glimpse of her face, there was a different facet of emotion etched there. When they had first pulled away, there had been quiet anger, later a look that was very similar to how she described him when he was brooding and then her cheeks had tinged pink with embarrassment when their eyes had met, only to screech away like two cars burning asphalt. He could smell the blush more than he could see it, all that blood blooming across her cheeks, close enough to taste under his tongue if her were to lick her....
Of course, it could be thoughts like those that had her embarrassed. He hadn't changed into the demon when they had made love. He hadn't given in to the urge to bite and suckle, to hurt her if only a little but she had to know those thoughts were running through his mind. He wondered if it turned her on or made her uncomfortable. He wanted to ask, but was still buzzing high from the fact that he'd *had* her. She had been in his arms at long last, even if the circumstances sucked. He chuckled at his own pun, glancing once more to see her leaned back in the leather seat, head tilted towards the sky, a smile on her lips. She looked peaceful, happy.
They were here.
He pulled into the nearest available spot, noticed that Dennis had the lights on. He twisted in his seat and nudged her shoulder. Her gaze had turned on him, a gentle caress to his frazzled nerves. She swallowed, still silent, which for her was unusual. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm just tired, Angel." She was, he didn't have to have better than average eyesight to see it. She turned away and opened the door. "Are you coming up?" she asked, a little too casually. Angel scented the air. She was nervous.
"Yes, of course." He got out of the car, hating the stilted silence. He leaned in and grabbed her purse and backpack, offering her his hand as she stepped over the curb. He noticed the shy downsweep of her lashes, another blush, a slight tremble as her fingers twined with his. He stopped walking, tugged her close and palmed her cheek. "Hey."
Her head tilted up, eyes inquisitive, luminous under the lamplight. He opened his mouth to tell her it would be okay, and found that he couldn't say a word. Instead his fingers slid round to the back of her neck as he pulled her in and kissed her. He held his baser emotions in check. The gentle brush of his lips and softly seeking sweep of his tongue was more about reassurance than passion. It had the desired effect. Her smile was brighter than the lamplight and far more genuine. "It's going to work out, Cor. I promise," he assured.
"Take me home, Angel," she said, leaning up and kissing his lips. Her hand slid from his shoulder, down his arm to find his hand once more. He squeezed it and lead her into the apartment.
********************
God, could they be anymore juvenile? Cordy didn't want to push the thought, with Angel the answer would always be yes. Things had been fine when they had arrived. Dennis fluttered the curtains and rattled picture frames, telling her he was happy to see her in the only way he knew how. Angel had put her things in her room, and she had put on some hot tea.
That was when it started, the awkward crushing silence. Angel had leaned in the doorway to her kitchen and stared a hole in her back, as she in turn watched the water boil. An offer to heat him some blood was greeted with too much enthusiasm, covering for the fact that he didn't know where to start any more than she did.
Now they sat on the couch, on opposite ends... Angel was stiff as a corpse, and only looking at her out of the corner of his eye. She sipped her tea, pretending not to notice him either. She knew how he felt. Normally, she would be in her coziest clothes, feet in Angel's lap while he slouched contentedly on his side of the couch and tried to sneak her cushions over to his corner. The TV would be on, and silent or talkative, there would be a comfort level.
Now she didn't know how to act. Should they be making out, or simply acting natural? What was natural when only hours before your best friend had filled you up and called your name while shooting off inside you? She glanced at him, noticing the tug of navy fabric over the muscles of his chest. Was it wrong to want to be licking his bare skin? She didn't want to push him, but his presence was making her horny. God, she wanted to make him sweat so she could lick off that bitter-salty sheen that she had tasted when she had kissed his neck- and now he was staring at her.
Cordy realized he could probably smell her, and her body was definitely reacting to her thoughts. Heat was building under her skin. Her thighs ached with the memory of accommodating him, her nipples hardened into tight painful peaks, and boy was she wet for him. She mentally rolled her eyes. It had been a while for her, and Spike had gotten her libido all revved then Angel had taken it for a test drive. It was a wonder she hadn't combusted yet from the excess of heat, want, need....
"Angel, this is stupid," she huffed. "Either hold me or get the hell out."
"Uh...." He shifted sideways, frowning at her. "I'm not sure if that's such a good idea."
"It's not like you're getting any, so get over it, and get over here."
His eyes boggled and his mouth dropped, then without warning he burst out laughing. "God, Cor, you... I love you, I really do."
The tight band of worry that had been squeezing around her heart loosened. She gave him her best innocent damsel look as she said, "How could you find me anything less than loveable?"
He mock glared at her, "Don't even get me started."
That only netted him her tongue, which she stuck out at him. "Come on, Angel. I know it's weird and there is still so much to deal with. Can't we just skip the awkwardness and go to comfortable? We snuggled more when we weren't a couple."
"Are you saying you want to break up with me?"
"If I have a better shot at getting into your pants, sure." She wiggled her eyebrows. "Are you saying we are a couple?"
"I wanted to rip Spike's arms off and shove them down his throat when he offered to hug you," he said matter of factly. "What does that tell you?"
"Besides the fact that you are a deeply disturbed individual, and an overly-possessive worry-wart?"
"Cor," he admonished darkly, making her smile.
She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Sounds coupley to me."
"So, you want to get into my pants?" His voice was bland, but one eyebrow shot up quizzically.
"Not tonight Don Juangel," she bit her lip, eyes dropping to his navy-blue button down. "I wouldn't object to you loosing the shirt though."
"What about you?" he asked.
She grinned, "You want me to loose the shirt?" She could see a warm flare of lust behind his eyes, temptation, then disappointment.
"That's probably not a good idea." He watched her thoughtfully for a second, "But, maybe there is an alternative." He stood and offered his hand, pulling her up and leading her to the bedroom. "Dennis?"
The third drawer on the right hand side of her dresser opened and Angel began rifling through it. "Make yourself at home, why don't you," she grumbled sarcastically.
"Now you know how I feel- ah ha. Here it is." He turned and handed her a soft rumpled shirt.
"You want me to wear," She shook it out and looked up at him, confused, "This?" Angel nodded his head enthusiastically in reply. She stared at the old shirt dubiously. "Angel, this is Looney-Tunes."
"Marvin The Martian," Angel added, "I know, but it's-" He held his hands up in front of his chest, then sighed, "Forget it."
"Angel?" She was lost, but the embarrassed and frustrated look on Angel's face told her she was missing something important. "Tell me, is this a vampire or guy thing."
"Guy."
"I'll put it on." She pulled her tee-shirt out of her pants. Angel's eyes tracked her movements hungrily as she pulled the garment over her head. Her skin prickled with goose-bumps under his gaze, but her breathing and her fingers were steady. She could hear Angel suck in an unneeded breath when she let the material drop, exposing herself to him.
His eyes dropped, and he took a step closer, one hand brushing against the underside of her breast as he gently cupped her. She shut her eyes and gave herself over completely to his cold touch. Angel skimmed his palm over the soft mound, and across her collarbone. His fingers fluttered over her pulse, and then his lips were there and his shirt rasped starchily over her skin as his chest contacted hers. Cordy couldn't help the soft moan that escaped as his lips traced the curve of her neck and his teeth nipped her lightly.
She grabbed his waist, pulling him closer, so close she could feel his erection snug against her belly. She wanted to grind herself against it, but instead nudged his chin over so she could follow the same trail across his neck that he had blazed across hers. His skin was cold, smooth, tough and she could taste the years and the stories of horror imprinted there. His muscles corded when she bit him where his pulse should have been and their strength and density surprised her. Everywhere, every part of him was hard and solid, and *hers*.
When she pulled back, she found herself staring into yellow unblinking eyes. She smiled, traced the ridge of his brow and slowly, carefully kissed his lips using the barest of pressure to lever them apart so she could explore this new terrain. Angel moaned into her mouth, his hands spanning her back and yanking her closer still. She twined her tongue around his fangs, dancing sinuously between teeth and the velvet brush of his own tongue as he finally let go of his reservations and took possession of her mouth.
She didn't know how long they stood in the middle of her room, simply kissing each other. Angel's true face would emerge and fade with the ebb and flow of his emotions. Cordy had managed to undo the buttons of his shirt despite the cast on her hand, and the fabric hung loosely at his sides hiding her exploration of his chest, shoulders and back. Finally, they broke apart. Cordy was pleased by Angel's dazed look and swollen lips. Angel was handsome, but his features were severe. Passion softened him a bit and she found the effect breathtaking.
Angel stared down at her for a long, lazy moment, seeming to drink the sight of her in. With a final caress of her face and a gently sweep of his thumb over her own kiss-swollen lips, he leaned around her and plucked her shirt off the bed. She held her arms up and let him slip the faded cotton over her head. "So, what is it about this shirt?"
His eyes glinted and he grinned, "It hides you, yet it-" He thumbed her nipples, causing them to jut out under the cotton. "I always wanted to do that every time I saw you in this shirt," he confessed. "It hides your figure, but if you look hard enough, you can just make out the shape of your areolas underneath."
"I've walked around in more revealing clothes than this- and just how long have you been trying to peeping-Tom under my clothes?"
"Since Sunnydale, Cordelia, not that I would have ever admitted it," Angel just chuckled, the sound reminding her how naive she was compared to him. "It's sexier because it doesn't reveal much."
Cordelia felt a flash of irritation over that little confession, her eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"Yes," he answered before she could ask. "I checked out Willow too."
"Perv."
"But I'm *your* perv," he added confidently.
The irritation grew into full blown annoyance. "I'm watching TV."
"Cor, don't be angry."
"I'm not."
"Uh, huh." Her back tensed at the sound of amusement in his voice.
"Five words, Angel. Holy. Water. In. Your. Blood."
She whirled on him, pushed him onto the couch and then flopped down herself, leaning on his shoulder. He kissed her temple. She opened his shirt and lay her cheek on his bare chest. The chill felt delicious against her skin and she smiled. The silence of his body should have unnerved her. Considering the amount of noise the visions added to her inner-space, she found it soothing. Angel shifted, turning more lengthwise and putting his arm around her. She closed her eyes as he flipped on the TV and started channel surfing. After a few minutes he began to stroke her hair. The situation was almost blissful, which meant there was no better time to ruin the mood by asking, "What are we going to do about Spike?"
********************
Angel's eyes went wide. The moment had gone from almost perfect to tattered in an instant. He wondered what Cordy would think if he just growled and ignored her? Warm insistent fingers drummed against his chest.
"Well?"
Playing dumb had worked before. "Well what?"
Angel felt a sudden and intense stab of pain as Cordelia bit his nipple. "Ow! What the-" He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her away from his chest. "Don't start biting, because I *will* finish." He threatened, letting her see a little gold in his eyes.
She just rolled hers. Fine, playing dumb wasn't going to work. "Why can't we just enjoy being here together for a while." He frowned down at her expectant face. "I spent all week thinking about what happened and reliving the past. I'm tired. We can talk about Spike later." Angel hoped she'd drop it. Seeing Spike every day, the silent accusation that radiated from every pore and lingered in his room like a bad aftertaste, had overwhelmed him with memories.
"Angel," she whined. "It's bad enough that I'm going into this with the specter of Darla and Buffy over my head. You think I want the third in your blonde trifecta of guilt hanging over the start of our relationship?" Angel just blinked, she seemed to take that for a yes, because she immediately responded "Pfft, no! This avoiding thing you are so good at; it stops here and now. You and Spike need to put your issues to bed, because-"
"Cordy," he pleaded. "I understand and appreciate what you are trying to do, but my past with Spike is not something I want to talk about with you right now. "
He couldn't save Spike, he couldn't make up for the things that he had done last week or in the distant past. He couldn't erase the flinch in Spike's eyes when he looked at him, or the memories that they both carried of bloodplay and sex. When he looked at Spike, he saw a scrawny, unworthy offering from a beloved but mad child. He saw a toy to be broken and tossed away, a tool for his own pleasure and a betrayer who sold him out to the slayer at the moment of his greatest triumph. He closed his eyes and tried to shake off the thoughts and images that Spike always surfaced... Angelus' thoughts, Angelus' desires, Angelus' memories. Still in him, still a part of him, still *him*.
Cordy had a shrewd look on her face that he had come to dread. It always meant that she was seeing more than he intended and making connections that a girl of her age and background had no business being able to make. "Just admit that you don't want to talk about it and quit being such a coward about your past. I know what you did to him, Angel. He told me- all of it." Angel's heart dropped at the flint in her eyes.
"No," he said, the denial being easier to accept than the fact that she could know his crimes and still touch him with such tenderness. He sat up, shrugging her off of him and turning away.
"Yes, and I'm *still* here." She grabbed his chin, forcing him to look in her eyes. "I still love you Angel. I knew what you were before I had the details." Her eyes grew moist, but her expression was still firm. "Do you have so little faith in me?"
"No, Cor, no." He choked, "Since I came to know you, you've been the one person I can always count on, but how can you have faith in- in- me?" he whispered.
"Because I know you. I know the man," she placed her hand over his heart, "And I know the monster." She took his hand in hers and kissed his palm. "I know what you are capable of, I know what you've done with these hands." She let go of his hand and smoothed an unruly lock of hair behind his ear. "I also know that you have been the best friend I have ever known, and are a wonderful father to your son." She leaned in and kissed him softly. "If the monster were all you are, you could have been neither."
"Mercy and love?" he whispered, finally taking her words to heart.
She nodded slowly, resting her forehead against his, and closing her eyes as the tears slid free. "Don't you think it's time you showed Spike a little of both?"
"But how?" Angel asked, willing to follow wherever she lead. Her eyes snapped open, blurred and impossibly big so close to his own.
"I have no idea." Angel frowned and Cordelia sighed, leaning back onto the couch. "Angel, I'm not a saint, I don't have all the answers to every question. I'm doing good adjusting to the fact that you love me, and we're officially a couple," she air quoted. "I'll help you talk your way through it, but as far as what to do? You have to figure it out yourself."
"Ignore it and hope it goes away?" he asked hopefully. "A blue-box apology?" That only got him a smack on the shoulder. "Sleep on it?" he said when she cracked a huge yawn. "Maybe one of us will come up with a brilliant idea tomorrow."
She yawned again. "That sounds like a solid plan. You gonna go home?"
"Yeah, Connor should be awake soon." Angel lovingly scooped her up and carried her to her room, tucking her in and fussing over her as had always been his habit. She blinked sleepily, and smiled when he kissed her goodnight.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" he asked.
"For ruining the good mood."
He smoothed a hand over her hair. "Don't worry about it." He could live with having her worry for him. The fact that she cared so deeply warmed a part of him that his demon-half had hoped to numb forever.
"I just wish I could erase it," she sighed, sinking down into the pillows, "for both of you."
Her words gave Angel pause. "What do you mean?"
Her voice was thick and heavy with weariness but she replied, "Your guilt, his anger. You're lucky. You had Buffy's love, and now you have me...."
"And?" Angel prodded.
"Has anyone ever really loved him, or even just- been gentle?"
Angel didn't reply because Cordelia was already falling asleep, but he knew the answer. Cecily, Dru, Himself... the answer was no.
Guilt was Angel's companion all the way home. It pressed in on him as he got his son from Lorne and fed and played with him while his mind relived the horrors he had inflicted on a fledgling named William. He held his son just a little tighter and vowed never to let his darkness touch him in any way, all the while knowing his boy was tainted by birth.
Cordelia couldn't possibly understand the true depth of Angelus' evil towards Spike, even if Spike had unspooled their time together on the big-screen in Technicolor, but sometime during his late night ruminations, it struck him. Cordy hadn't offered him understanding. She'd offered acceptance. For Angel, it was something far more precious than unburdening him of his guilt.
The germ of an idea took root in Angel's head but he turned the thought under. It was too crazy, and it would certainly put undue strain on his newfound connection with Cordy. Still the thought plagued him, popping up at odd times all through the rest of the night. The idea never got any less crazy, but by the dawn of the next day it had begun to make a certain amount of sense.
Either that or *he* had gone crazy. It wasn't like he hadn't before.... There were however other avenues he could try before proposing something so rash.
*****
"Quit squirming you big baby." Cordelia squeezed her thighs tightly around his, trying to stop his wiggling. On the couch beside them, Connor gurgled happily, then squealed sharply in pure delight as he unraveled the gauze bandaging that had somehow made it's way into his pudgy little fist. "Angel! I told you to watch him."
"How could I?" he grumbled, "You had my head all tilted back that way and Connor is over there, so-"
"Are you trying to lay the blame on me?"
"If the Manolo fits- OW!" Angel rubbed his chest, "That was harsh."
"It's been two days Angel, two days! We finally get a chance to spend some time with just the three of us, without pain in the ass British vampires or stuffy ex-Watchers breathing down our necks and you show up looking like Stallone in Rocky V. We've barely begun to scratch the surface of harsh." She took a deep breath, then narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "You still haven't told me what did this to you."
"A demon," he answered cagily as Cordy rewound the roll of gauze that Connor had mangled. He could swear his son was pouting after she pried the material from his fingers. He was going to have to have a talk with his baby boy about that. No one in his family pouted, except for him, when he didn't get his way, or-
"Uh, huh, You already killed the demons from my vision, which by the way, if that was the Power's idea of a congratulations gift to us, they had better pray never to meet me face to face." Angel chuckled softly. Whatever romantic notions he'd had about himself and Cordelia and "the morning after" had been swept away the moment she had marched through the front doors the next day and grimly declared they had a case. It had taken all of them, Spike included, to bring the pair of Sny'arks down. It seemed the Powers were taking advantage of their extra pair of super-human hands while Spike was here, which brought him to this morning. "So, spill. What did this?"
Angel sighed. There really was no avoiding it anymore. "Spike."
"What about him?" she asked.
"He did this." Angel replied, gingerly probing the cut above his eye.
"What did *you* do?" She asked pointedly as she slid off his lap and scooped up his son, using Connor as a barrier between them.
Angel wasn't thrilled by her suspicious tone. Why did she automatically assume he was in the wrong? "I apologized."
Cordy frowned, clearly confused. "I don't get it?"
"I've been trying to do what you said and it's- not enough." He watched the lines on Cordelia's face deepen as she got up and lay his son in a bassinet. She turned around and studied his bruised but healing face.
"What makes you think it wasn't enough?"
Angel shrugged and held out his hand for her. She sauntered over and sat down, allowing him to put his arm around her and pull her close. He grunted as she bumped into a particularly sore rib, "It was either him yelling 'It's not enough, you fucking bastard' or all the punching and kicking that was going on."
"What did you do?" she asked softly this time.
"Took it." He leaned into her, rubbing his nose through her hair, breathing her in. He had a brief flashback of fisting his hands in her thick tresses and slamming her head into the ground. He shuddered and took another breath. Her hair smelled of Pantene and baby powder. He let her scent steady him. It was a comfort he was fast becoming addicted to. "He was right. Saying I'm sorry couldn't begin to make up for what I did to him."
"I just hoped-"
"I know what you wanted, but I'm not sure there *is* a way to give back what I took away, except-" Angel stopped, and bit his lip. He'd almost said too much. He felt Cordy's cheek slide over his shoulder as she looked up at him. He looked down. Shit.
"Except?"
Fuck, he had said too much. He should have known those sharp ears would catch his slip. "It's nothing. It's impossible."
"Then you can tell me what it is." she pressed.
"No, I can't," he resisted.
"Angel...."
"Is Spike worth more than us, than this?" He squeezed her shoulder. "Is he?" Another flash, slapping Spike's backside as he held him down. Fear pouring off the younger vamp, then a curious calm.... acceptance.
She searched his face in confusion, opened her mouth, then closed it. Her searched turned inward and his stomach dropped as something hard and stubborn slid behind the warm brown of her eyes. "Remember our conversation before we- you know?"
"Made love? Yes."
"I told you that I couldn't let my feelings for you come before those souls we are meant to help. Spike may not have a soul, but the Powers sent him to us. He is a part of the mission." That steely resolve bled away and it was Cordy staring up at him, pleading softly for understanding. "I can't give up the mission. I sacrificed too much to hold on to it. I made it as much mine as yours and I couldn't be happy if I knew I had put my wants above someone else's needs, not if there was something we can do."
"Even if it is... extreme?" Angel asked, the last of his resistance fading. She'd get it out of him and then the ball would be in her court. Cordelia had proved she could handle herself, but this was a lot more complex than life and death.
"Angel! Just tell me," she said, exasperated.
Angel studied her features with growing trepidation. There were some things you just shouldn't have to ask your brand-new girlfriend to consider. "There is a ritual, of a sorts," he finally replied. "Wes has made you read up on vampire mythology, right?" She nodded. "You understand about hierarchy, don't you, how vampires are ranked by age and prowess?"
Her face scrunched a bit as she thought about it, "I think I do. The Master, the ugly bald freak that Buffy killed, he was the head of your line."
Angel nodded. "He was the oldest surviving member of the House of Aurelius. Buffy killed him and Luke, who would have taken his place."
Cordy bit the inside of her cheek as she considered, "So there was no Master?"
Angel smiled ruefully, "Actually, Darla became the head of the House of Aurelius until I killed her and then the title fell to me."
"So how come the Master guy was so freaksome?"
Angel gave her a stern look for dragging them off topic but he answered her question. "As we age, our demons become more prominent."
"But, you don't-"
"Our human bodies don't age," he interrupted, "But our demons do and as they integrate within their host body, their unique demonic attributes become more pronounced. Some vampires loose the ability to shift into human form, some grow hooves or claws, maybe horns. It's different for each of us."
"So you might eventually be stuck with your bumpies showing?" she asked curiously.
Angel kissed the tip of her nose. "The Master was over a thousand years old. I don't intend to be around that long." He shut his eyes and enjoyed the heat and solid reality of her as she snuggled deeper into his side. He could still remember the fine spray of hot coppery blood coating his lips and throat when he had bit her, but her trust and the simple domesticity of the moment quelled most of the lingering bloodlust. With Cordy and Connor he had been given a gift he'd never dared to dream-
"I'd love you anyway," she whispered, "Even if you had cow feet."
Something tender and radiant banded around Angel's heart and squeezed but the pain was a beautiful thing. He pushed Cordelia away and stood up. She looked up at him quizzically, lips parting to ask him why, but he just shook his head. "Don't," he whispered. "That- the way you made me feel. It was too close."
"I'm sorry," she said and the moment of near perfection was dashed.
"No, Cor. Don't be, I-" He clenched his fists, muscles cording with tension. "It's just so frustrating!" he exploded, beginning to pace, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault."
"I'll just have to remember to be bitchier," she said matter of factly. She gave him a slow once over. "You're hair is ugly and... I hate those socks! Now what's this ritual you were talking about?" She batted her eyelashes at him, dragging a chuckle from someplace deep in his chest.
He continued to pace. "It's not a ritual per se but it would give Spike temporary status as head of the House of Aurelius, symbolically giving him all the power and authority of Master but it's...." He hesitated. Cordelia's eyebrows shot up as she gave him and impatient look. "It's -sexual- in nature," he rushed on, "The thing is, it's the only way I could think of to show Spike I was sincere about wanting to make it up to him, but there is *us* to consider, and it complicates things."
"How sexual in nature are we talking?" Cordy asked warily.
"Spike would have complete control over my body and my life. He would basically be free to do to me what I -did- to him."
"Oh," Cordy's mouth made a perfect circle of understanding. "OH! Angel that could be- he could kill you."
"That's why I didn't want to bring it up. Under the best circumstances it would be violent and bloody, but if Spike took it as an opportunity to take revenge.... unless," he stopped pacing and knelt in front of Cordelia. "Tell me I am crazy and I will never bring it up again, but if you were there, with us, it might keep him from acting out." He took her hands in his squeezing them tightly, "He trusts you, *I* trust you."
Cordelia's lips thinned as she realized what he was asking. "You want me to referee?" she asked disbelievingly.
Angel looked at her sharply, then sighed. "Basically." he admitted. "I don't want to do it if it will make you uncomfortable, but it might be the only thing that will make him understand that I seriously want to make amends." She was visibly withdrawing as she thought it over and already it was killing him.
Cordelia curled up on the couch, putting a little distance between them. She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, dropping her chin on her knees. She thought about it for a few eternal minutes. "Spike has a path, but before he can recognize it, he has to work out his issues with you and...." she hesitated, "Well, you first. I'm sure that's why the Powers sent him."
Angel remained silent, not wanting to pressure her either way.
"I guess this is nothing new to you, is it?"
Angel shook his head.
"I do like Spike okay and it could be sexy, watching two hot vampire guys going at it." She mused. A thought seemed to occur to her and she glared suspiciously, "You won't decide you want to run off with Spike and become the dynamic gay duo or something?"
"I'll never leave you, Cor. I'll never love another as long as you live," he promised solemnly, his dark eyes turning black with emotion. She cupped his cheek and he smiled wryly, "You think I'm hot?" Suddenly his smile faded, "You think Spike is hot?"
She laughed at him then, a deep throaty sound that he decided he would never tire of hearing. "Hey, I'm not the one proposing the threesome."
"Whoa," Angel said, "I never said anything about a threesome."
"But...." Cordelia scowled, "You said you wanted me there. You want me to just watch? That's- so very wrong."
"Cordelia, this isn't just a romp in the sack. This is- when you and I made love it was as a man and woman. I couldn't let the other side of myself out then because your blood still calls to me." Angel pushed down his natural reticence to hide this facet of his nature from her. She had told him she didn't want any more nasty surprises and if Spike fully asserted his dominance over Angel, it very well could be nasty, vicious and scarring for her to watch.
"What will pass between Spike and I will be hard to understand, at best this is going to test the limits of your acceptance of me, of what I am. This sort of power play is nothing new, but I've never been the one without the power and that- terrifies me. I don't want you in the middle of -us- if something were to go wrong."
Cordelia was staring at the floor with wide unfocused eyes. "This is a vampire thing then, vampire sex, vampire emotional issues." She blinked rapidly, looking up at him with shining eyes. "But that's just the thing. I haven't been able to fully reach Spike because I've been trying to appeal to his humanity. This- this is for his demon."
"Yes."
"And you can do this. You are willing?" There was a certain detachment in her voice. This was mission business and she sounded almost clinical.
"I think it could help, so yes."
"You said you've done it before."
Angel sat on the heavy coffee table, facing her. "I've always been the one with the power, the top."
"What are you saying?"
"I've never-" He shifted, suddenly finding it hard to look at her. He'd done everything in the book -and then some- except this one thing. He didn't want Cordy to think about his vast sexual back-story. He knew it was hard enough for her to live down Buffy, Darla, Dru and Spike. "I've taken men in my bed, Cordy but I've never been taken...."
"You've never had butt-sex?"
"Cordy! I- no," he gaped at her when he saw the twinkle of amusement in her eyes.
"Sorry, Angel, I'm just surprised is all. I figured you'd tried everything at least once. I seriously hadn't considered that there would be something you hadn't done." She slid off the couch and nestled between his thighs. Curious as to what she was up to, Angel remained still. He let out a long breath as Cordelia started to nibble her way across his chest. It had should have occurred to him that she would take his sexual history in stride. If acceptance could be considered a strength, then she had it in spades. "So if you've never done it before," She flicked her tongue into the hollow of his throat, making him moan as his head tilted back to give her access. "How do you know you *won't* want to run off with Spike after this is over?"
If she kept doing that, he would be content to stay in this spot forever, Spike, their friends and the Powers be damned. She bit his collarbone and he smiled, giving himself over to her mouth completely. "You are a piece of work, you know that, Chase?"
"That's why you love me." she replied, lightly.
"That I do," he rumbled. His head snapped forward and he looked down at her rapidly descending form. "Cor, what are you doing?"
"If you have to ask," the button of his slacks was undone, "Then you must have a lot less," the zipper pulled down, "Experience in these matters," Silk was pushed aside and his solid cock grasped and kissed lightly, "Than you let on."
"The baby-"
"Is over there." She kissed his balls, "We are here." She licked the long vein all the way up the underside of his erection. "Wanna see if I can make a vampire pray?"
Cordelia's mouth closed around him, sliding down until he was fully encased in her deliciously warm, moist mouth. Angel leaned back on the palms of his hands, watching her as she began a slow rhythm designed to tease and torture. He pushed thoughts of Spike, the mission and everything else out of his mind as his eyes slid closed. He did not deserve to feel this good. "Oh God!" he groaned, as she clutched his hips and took him even deeper.
Author: Psychofilly
Rating: Pg-NC17
Pairing: C/A, C/S, A/C/S, other
Category: AU, Angst, Romance. Angel never gave Cordy money and Cordy never left with Groo after "Couplet." I started this after "Hells Bells", but it's really more along the line of a follow-up to "As You Were" for Spike.
Disclaimer: Not mine, all Joss's, ME's, and Fox Studios.
Summary: Spike always had been a sucker for a pretty face.
Kindred's 6 of 8 *Post Couplet/Hells Bells*
Archive Version
You shagged him?" Cordy hadn't been downstairs for more than thirty seconds before Spike had taken one breath, flared his nostrils and shouted indignantly, "You, shagged Peaches? You bloody stupid bint! What happened to 'we need to talk'?" His words drew Wes out of his office, curious as to the commotion. Spike threw his cigarette on the floor and ground it under his heel, "You have an interesting way of conversing, I'll grant you that," he grumbled bitterly.
"Spike," Cordy warned, not in the mood to argue
"Really, Spike," Wes chimed in. Cordelia is well aware of the risks...." His eyes wandered over her tousled hair, rumpled clothes, recently scrubbed face and still kiss-swollen lips. "Good-God, Cordelia, you SHAGGED him?"
Cordelia took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Her eyes narrowed, glaring at the two seething Brits. "When else were we ever gonna get a chance to do it? When he's happy, and it would be all 'tra la la, sex with Cordy', and we end up with Angelus on our hands? You know what? Screw you guys, I'm going home!"
"Do you need a ride?" Angel asked quietly as he descended the stairs and stopped by her side.
"Yeah, I'll go get my purse."
"Okay," Angel said as she trudged back upstairs for the forgotten item. Immediately he turned on Wes, expression cold. "Spike I expect to be an ass. What's your excuse?"
"Don't take that tone with me Angel," Wes warned, surprising Spike. It seemed the skinny wank had more of a backbone than Spike thought. "You know as well as I that your actions were irresponsible and potentially disastrous!" He yanked his glasses off his face and rubbed his brow tiredly. "I've known for a while, Angel. Pretty much everyone could see your feelings for Cordelia developing except perhaps Cordelia herself. I trusted that when the time came, you'd act with your head," Wes gestured in the vague direction of Angel's crotch, "And not your- other head."
Spike coughed, trying to cover a bark of laughter that threatened to escape at the watchers accusation. Angel's face was actually reddening, quite a feat for a being with no circulation. Spike noticed the clenched fists under Angel's crossed arms. He wondered if the humans tested Angel's patience to this degree every day. It was almost worth sticking around a while to find out.
"I'm only going to say this once," Angel began in a clipped, terse voice. "What Cordelia and I do -alone- together is none of your business."
"I think it is," Wes started to argue.
"I know, Wes, you are worried about Angelus." Their eyes locked, "So am I. For Connor's sake, for all of you; you have my word that we will be careful."
"Until the next time she wants to have a go, eh?" Spike couldn't help but add. "What then? I don't particularly care to have any repeats of last week any time ever."
"It's a valid question," Wes agreed. "By the very nature of the danger your demon possesses, you cannot expect us to leave you to your own judgment, not when the consequences are so severe."
"Do you trust *my* judgment, Wes?" Cordelia's voice made them all startle.
"In this matter, no," Wes replied.
"Tough," Cordy said, smiling tiredly at Spike. "Angel and I are in this together, long-haul, till Shanshu or death. I appreciate the concern and I love you like the brother I never had, Wes, but you try and break us apart... you won't." Spike watched as Angel put his arm around Cordelia's shoulder and she leaned in, drawing strength from his silent form. "Sex, or no sex, relationship or not, we're connected," she shrugged, "I don't see why we can't try and find *some* happiness where we can. It may not work out in the long run, but you can't ask us not to try."
"So that's it then?" Wes asked. "If you are wrong, if Angel is careless, it's your life and Connor's that will be sacrificed first. If Angelus gets out permanently, he won't just kill you, He'll turn you."
Cordelia looked up at Angel. His dark eyes were unreadable, but slowly, he nodded. When Cordelia looked back at Wes, her features were set in a stubborn expression. "Hence, the fact that we will be careful. Look, I just want to go home." She sighed, leaning heavily into Angel's chest. "I promise, no more wild monkey-love until we've all sat down and you've lectured me until my ears bleed, okay?"
Spike waited, curious as to the watchers reaction. After the initial flash of irritation caused, no doubt, by Cordy's uniquely tactless way of putting things, the ice in his eyes melted and his shoulders relaxed. Perhaps he could see the dark circles of exhaustion under Cordy's eyes or the way she held herself, indicating she was still sore. "In the meantime, I suppose it wouldn't hurt for me to look into ways to secure Angel's soul. There are a few obscure avenues of inquiry that might yield results."
Cordy shot him a look that clearly said, 'I ain't getting my hopes up, bub,' but she smiled and stepped away from Angel to give Wes a short hug. "Goodnight, boss. Don't worry, okay?"
Wes held her tight for a moment, then kissed her cheek. "It's my job," he said, simply.
"I don't get a hug?"Spike stepped forward and opened his arms. Angel growled, and Cordy cocked an eyebrow at him. With an amused chuckle she shook her head, ignoring the offer. She held out her hand for Angel. He took it and hand in hand, they headed for the door. When he turned back, Wes was giving him an odd look. "Bloody unfair if you ask me," Spike grumbled as he lit up a cigarette.
********************
The air was cool against Cordelia's tender skin and the drive home a welcome diversion from the doubts that still plagued her about her and Angel's newly rearranged relationship. The cross from friends to lovers would have come naturally but at a much slower pace if Angelus hadn't have made his brief reappearance. Instead as they drove to her house in silence Cordy could vividly recall the feel of Angel surrounding her, inside her, the way her heart stuttered when he'd admitted he loved her, but it was still so *new*.
Right now, her brain was still trying to get passed the "I saw Angel naked!" phase, and move on to "What now?" She shut her eyes and tilted her head towards the stars. Reality would rear it's ugly head soon enough. She smiled as she remembered Angel's lips on hers, and wondered if the taciturn vamp at the wheel was having similar thoughts.
Angel seethed over Wes' interference as he glanced at his silent companion for about the fiftieth time during their short drive to her apartment. Each time he caught a glimpse of her face, there was a different facet of emotion etched there. When they had first pulled away, there had been quiet anger, later a look that was very similar to how she described him when he was brooding and then her cheeks had tinged pink with embarrassment when their eyes had met, only to screech away like two cars burning asphalt. He could smell the blush more than he could see it, all that blood blooming across her cheeks, close enough to taste under his tongue if her were to lick her....
Of course, it could be thoughts like those that had her embarrassed. He hadn't changed into the demon when they had made love. He hadn't given in to the urge to bite and suckle, to hurt her if only a little but she had to know those thoughts were running through his mind. He wondered if it turned her on or made her uncomfortable. He wanted to ask, but was still buzzing high from the fact that he'd *had* her. She had been in his arms at long last, even if the circumstances sucked. He chuckled at his own pun, glancing once more to see her leaned back in the leather seat, head tilted towards the sky, a smile on her lips. She looked peaceful, happy.
They were here.
He pulled into the nearest available spot, noticed that Dennis had the lights on. He twisted in his seat and nudged her shoulder. Her gaze had turned on him, a gentle caress to his frazzled nerves. She swallowed, still silent, which for her was unusual. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm just tired, Angel." She was, he didn't have to have better than average eyesight to see it. She turned away and opened the door. "Are you coming up?" she asked, a little too casually. Angel scented the air. She was nervous.
"Yes, of course." He got out of the car, hating the stilted silence. He leaned in and grabbed her purse and backpack, offering her his hand as she stepped over the curb. He noticed the shy downsweep of her lashes, another blush, a slight tremble as her fingers twined with his. He stopped walking, tugged her close and palmed her cheek. "Hey."
Her head tilted up, eyes inquisitive, luminous under the lamplight. He opened his mouth to tell her it would be okay, and found that he couldn't say a word. Instead his fingers slid round to the back of her neck as he pulled her in and kissed her. He held his baser emotions in check. The gentle brush of his lips and softly seeking sweep of his tongue was more about reassurance than passion. It had the desired effect. Her smile was brighter than the lamplight and far more genuine. "It's going to work out, Cor. I promise," he assured.
"Take me home, Angel," she said, leaning up and kissing his lips. Her hand slid from his shoulder, down his arm to find his hand once more. He squeezed it and lead her into the apartment.
********************
God, could they be anymore juvenile? Cordy didn't want to push the thought, with Angel the answer would always be yes. Things had been fine when they had arrived. Dennis fluttered the curtains and rattled picture frames, telling her he was happy to see her in the only way he knew how. Angel had put her things in her room, and she had put on some hot tea.
That was when it started, the awkward crushing silence. Angel had leaned in the doorway to her kitchen and stared a hole in her back, as she in turn watched the water boil. An offer to heat him some blood was greeted with too much enthusiasm, covering for the fact that he didn't know where to start any more than she did.
Now they sat on the couch, on opposite ends... Angel was stiff as a corpse, and only looking at her out of the corner of his eye. She sipped her tea, pretending not to notice him either. She knew how he felt. Normally, she would be in her coziest clothes, feet in Angel's lap while he slouched contentedly on his side of the couch and tried to sneak her cushions over to his corner. The TV would be on, and silent or talkative, there would be a comfort level.
Now she didn't know how to act. Should they be making out, or simply acting natural? What was natural when only hours before your best friend had filled you up and called your name while shooting off inside you? She glanced at him, noticing the tug of navy fabric over the muscles of his chest. Was it wrong to want to be licking his bare skin? She didn't want to push him, but his presence was making her horny. God, she wanted to make him sweat so she could lick off that bitter-salty sheen that she had tasted when she had kissed his neck- and now he was staring at her.
Cordy realized he could probably smell her, and her body was definitely reacting to her thoughts. Heat was building under her skin. Her thighs ached with the memory of accommodating him, her nipples hardened into tight painful peaks, and boy was she wet for him. She mentally rolled her eyes. It had been a while for her, and Spike had gotten her libido all revved then Angel had taken it for a test drive. It was a wonder she hadn't combusted yet from the excess of heat, want, need....
"Angel, this is stupid," she huffed. "Either hold me or get the hell out."
"Uh...." He shifted sideways, frowning at her. "I'm not sure if that's such a good idea."
"It's not like you're getting any, so get over it, and get over here."
His eyes boggled and his mouth dropped, then without warning he burst out laughing. "God, Cor, you... I love you, I really do."
The tight band of worry that had been squeezing around her heart loosened. She gave him her best innocent damsel look as she said, "How could you find me anything less than loveable?"
He mock glared at her, "Don't even get me started."
That only netted him her tongue, which she stuck out at him. "Come on, Angel. I know it's weird and there is still so much to deal with. Can't we just skip the awkwardness and go to comfortable? We snuggled more when we weren't a couple."
"Are you saying you want to break up with me?"
"If I have a better shot at getting into your pants, sure." She wiggled her eyebrows. "Are you saying we are a couple?"
"I wanted to rip Spike's arms off and shove them down his throat when he offered to hug you," he said matter of factly. "What does that tell you?"
"Besides the fact that you are a deeply disturbed individual, and an overly-possessive worry-wart?"
"Cor," he admonished darkly, making her smile.
She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Sounds coupley to me."
"So, you want to get into my pants?" His voice was bland, but one eyebrow shot up quizzically.
"Not tonight Don Juangel," she bit her lip, eyes dropping to his navy-blue button down. "I wouldn't object to you loosing the shirt though."
"What about you?" he asked.
She grinned, "You want me to loose the shirt?" She could see a warm flare of lust behind his eyes, temptation, then disappointment.
"That's probably not a good idea." He watched her thoughtfully for a second, "But, maybe there is an alternative." He stood and offered his hand, pulling her up and leading her to the bedroom. "Dennis?"
The third drawer on the right hand side of her dresser opened and Angel began rifling through it. "Make yourself at home, why don't you," she grumbled sarcastically.
"Now you know how I feel- ah ha. Here it is." He turned and handed her a soft rumpled shirt.
"You want me to wear," She shook it out and looked up at him, confused, "This?" Angel nodded his head enthusiastically in reply. She stared at the old shirt dubiously. "Angel, this is Looney-Tunes."
"Marvin The Martian," Angel added, "I know, but it's-" He held his hands up in front of his chest, then sighed, "Forget it."
"Angel?" She was lost, but the embarrassed and frustrated look on Angel's face told her she was missing something important. "Tell me, is this a vampire or guy thing."
"Guy."
"I'll put it on." She pulled her tee-shirt out of her pants. Angel's eyes tracked her movements hungrily as she pulled the garment over her head. Her skin prickled with goose-bumps under his gaze, but her breathing and her fingers were steady. She could hear Angel suck in an unneeded breath when she let the material drop, exposing herself to him.
His eyes dropped, and he took a step closer, one hand brushing against the underside of her breast as he gently cupped her. She shut her eyes and gave herself over completely to his cold touch. Angel skimmed his palm over the soft mound, and across her collarbone. His fingers fluttered over her pulse, and then his lips were there and his shirt rasped starchily over her skin as his chest contacted hers. Cordy couldn't help the soft moan that escaped as his lips traced the curve of her neck and his teeth nipped her lightly.
She grabbed his waist, pulling him closer, so close she could feel his erection snug against her belly. She wanted to grind herself against it, but instead nudged his chin over so she could follow the same trail across his neck that he had blazed across hers. His skin was cold, smooth, tough and she could taste the years and the stories of horror imprinted there. His muscles corded when she bit him where his pulse should have been and their strength and density surprised her. Everywhere, every part of him was hard and solid, and *hers*.
When she pulled back, she found herself staring into yellow unblinking eyes. She smiled, traced the ridge of his brow and slowly, carefully kissed his lips using the barest of pressure to lever them apart so she could explore this new terrain. Angel moaned into her mouth, his hands spanning her back and yanking her closer still. She twined her tongue around his fangs, dancing sinuously between teeth and the velvet brush of his own tongue as he finally let go of his reservations and took possession of her mouth.
She didn't know how long they stood in the middle of her room, simply kissing each other. Angel's true face would emerge and fade with the ebb and flow of his emotions. Cordy had managed to undo the buttons of his shirt despite the cast on her hand, and the fabric hung loosely at his sides hiding her exploration of his chest, shoulders and back. Finally, they broke apart. Cordy was pleased by Angel's dazed look and swollen lips. Angel was handsome, but his features were severe. Passion softened him a bit and she found the effect breathtaking.
Angel stared down at her for a long, lazy moment, seeming to drink the sight of her in. With a final caress of her face and a gently sweep of his thumb over her own kiss-swollen lips, he leaned around her and plucked her shirt off the bed. She held her arms up and let him slip the faded cotton over her head. "So, what is it about this shirt?"
His eyes glinted and he grinned, "It hides you, yet it-" He thumbed her nipples, causing them to jut out under the cotton. "I always wanted to do that every time I saw you in this shirt," he confessed. "It hides your figure, but if you look hard enough, you can just make out the shape of your areolas underneath."
"I've walked around in more revealing clothes than this- and just how long have you been trying to peeping-Tom under my clothes?"
"Since Sunnydale, Cordelia, not that I would have ever admitted it," Angel just chuckled, the sound reminding her how naive she was compared to him. "It's sexier because it doesn't reveal much."
Cordelia felt a flash of irritation over that little confession, her eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"Yes," he answered before she could ask. "I checked out Willow too."
"Perv."
"But I'm *your* perv," he added confidently.
The irritation grew into full blown annoyance. "I'm watching TV."
"Cor, don't be angry."
"I'm not."
"Uh, huh." Her back tensed at the sound of amusement in his voice.
"Five words, Angel. Holy. Water. In. Your. Blood."
She whirled on him, pushed him onto the couch and then flopped down herself, leaning on his shoulder. He kissed her temple. She opened his shirt and lay her cheek on his bare chest. The chill felt delicious against her skin and she smiled. The silence of his body should have unnerved her. Considering the amount of noise the visions added to her inner-space, she found it soothing. Angel shifted, turning more lengthwise and putting his arm around her. She closed her eyes as he flipped on the TV and started channel surfing. After a few minutes he began to stroke her hair. The situation was almost blissful, which meant there was no better time to ruin the mood by asking, "What are we going to do about Spike?"
********************
Angel's eyes went wide. The moment had gone from almost perfect to tattered in an instant. He wondered what Cordy would think if he just growled and ignored her? Warm insistent fingers drummed against his chest.
"Well?"
Playing dumb had worked before. "Well what?"
Angel felt a sudden and intense stab of pain as Cordelia bit his nipple. "Ow! What the-" He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her away from his chest. "Don't start biting, because I *will* finish." He threatened, letting her see a little gold in his eyes.
She just rolled hers. Fine, playing dumb wasn't going to work. "Why can't we just enjoy being here together for a while." He frowned down at her expectant face. "I spent all week thinking about what happened and reliving the past. I'm tired. We can talk about Spike later." Angel hoped she'd drop it. Seeing Spike every day, the silent accusation that radiated from every pore and lingered in his room like a bad aftertaste, had overwhelmed him with memories.
"Angel," she whined. "It's bad enough that I'm going into this with the specter of Darla and Buffy over my head. You think I want the third in your blonde trifecta of guilt hanging over the start of our relationship?" Angel just blinked, she seemed to take that for a yes, because she immediately responded "Pfft, no! This avoiding thing you are so good at; it stops here and now. You and Spike need to put your issues to bed, because-"
"Cordy," he pleaded. "I understand and appreciate what you are trying to do, but my past with Spike is not something I want to talk about with you right now. "
He couldn't save Spike, he couldn't make up for the things that he had done last week or in the distant past. He couldn't erase the flinch in Spike's eyes when he looked at him, or the memories that they both carried of bloodplay and sex. When he looked at Spike, he saw a scrawny, unworthy offering from a beloved but mad child. He saw a toy to be broken and tossed away, a tool for his own pleasure and a betrayer who sold him out to the slayer at the moment of his greatest triumph. He closed his eyes and tried to shake off the thoughts and images that Spike always surfaced... Angelus' thoughts, Angelus' desires, Angelus' memories. Still in him, still a part of him, still *him*.
Cordy had a shrewd look on her face that he had come to dread. It always meant that she was seeing more than he intended and making connections that a girl of her age and background had no business being able to make. "Just admit that you don't want to talk about it and quit being such a coward about your past. I know what you did to him, Angel. He told me- all of it." Angel's heart dropped at the flint in her eyes.
"No," he said, the denial being easier to accept than the fact that she could know his crimes and still touch him with such tenderness. He sat up, shrugging her off of him and turning away.
"Yes, and I'm *still* here." She grabbed his chin, forcing him to look in her eyes. "I still love you Angel. I knew what you were before I had the details." Her eyes grew moist, but her expression was still firm. "Do you have so little faith in me?"
"No, Cor, no." He choked, "Since I came to know you, you've been the one person I can always count on, but how can you have faith in- in- me?" he whispered.
"Because I know you. I know the man," she placed her hand over his heart, "And I know the monster." She took his hand in hers and kissed his palm. "I know what you are capable of, I know what you've done with these hands." She let go of his hand and smoothed an unruly lock of hair behind his ear. "I also know that you have been the best friend I have ever known, and are a wonderful father to your son." She leaned in and kissed him softly. "If the monster were all you are, you could have been neither."
"Mercy and love?" he whispered, finally taking her words to heart.
She nodded slowly, resting her forehead against his, and closing her eyes as the tears slid free. "Don't you think it's time you showed Spike a little of both?"
"But how?" Angel asked, willing to follow wherever she lead. Her eyes snapped open, blurred and impossibly big so close to his own.
"I have no idea." Angel frowned and Cordelia sighed, leaning back onto the couch. "Angel, I'm not a saint, I don't have all the answers to every question. I'm doing good adjusting to the fact that you love me, and we're officially a couple," she air quoted. "I'll help you talk your way through it, but as far as what to do? You have to figure it out yourself."
"Ignore it and hope it goes away?" he asked hopefully. "A blue-box apology?" That only got him a smack on the shoulder. "Sleep on it?" he said when she cracked a huge yawn. "Maybe one of us will come up with a brilliant idea tomorrow."
She yawned again. "That sounds like a solid plan. You gonna go home?"
"Yeah, Connor should be awake soon." Angel lovingly scooped her up and carried her to her room, tucking her in and fussing over her as had always been his habit. She blinked sleepily, and smiled when he kissed her goodnight.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" he asked.
"For ruining the good mood."
He smoothed a hand over her hair. "Don't worry about it." He could live with having her worry for him. The fact that she cared so deeply warmed a part of him that his demon-half had hoped to numb forever.
"I just wish I could erase it," she sighed, sinking down into the pillows, "for both of you."
Her words gave Angel pause. "What do you mean?"
Her voice was thick and heavy with weariness but she replied, "Your guilt, his anger. You're lucky. You had Buffy's love, and now you have me...."
"And?" Angel prodded.
"Has anyone ever really loved him, or even just- been gentle?"
Angel didn't reply because Cordelia was already falling asleep, but he knew the answer. Cecily, Dru, Himself... the answer was no.
Guilt was Angel's companion all the way home. It pressed in on him as he got his son from Lorne and fed and played with him while his mind relived the horrors he had inflicted on a fledgling named William. He held his son just a little tighter and vowed never to let his darkness touch him in any way, all the while knowing his boy was tainted by birth.
Cordelia couldn't possibly understand the true depth of Angelus' evil towards Spike, even if Spike had unspooled their time together on the big-screen in Technicolor, but sometime during his late night ruminations, it struck him. Cordy hadn't offered him understanding. She'd offered acceptance. For Angel, it was something far more precious than unburdening him of his guilt.
The germ of an idea took root in Angel's head but he turned the thought under. It was too crazy, and it would certainly put undue strain on his newfound connection with Cordy. Still the thought plagued him, popping up at odd times all through the rest of the night. The idea never got any less crazy, but by the dawn of the next day it had begun to make a certain amount of sense.
Either that or *he* had gone crazy. It wasn't like he hadn't before.... There were however other avenues he could try before proposing something so rash.
*****
"Quit squirming you big baby." Cordelia squeezed her thighs tightly around his, trying to stop his wiggling. On the couch beside them, Connor gurgled happily, then squealed sharply in pure delight as he unraveled the gauze bandaging that had somehow made it's way into his pudgy little fist. "Angel! I told you to watch him."
"How could I?" he grumbled, "You had my head all tilted back that way and Connor is over there, so-"
"Are you trying to lay the blame on me?"
"If the Manolo fits- OW!" Angel rubbed his chest, "That was harsh."
"It's been two days Angel, two days! We finally get a chance to spend some time with just the three of us, without pain in the ass British vampires or stuffy ex-Watchers breathing down our necks and you show up looking like Stallone in Rocky V. We've barely begun to scratch the surface of harsh." She took a deep breath, then narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "You still haven't told me what did this to you."
"A demon," he answered cagily as Cordy rewound the roll of gauze that Connor had mangled. He could swear his son was pouting after she pried the material from his fingers. He was going to have to have a talk with his baby boy about that. No one in his family pouted, except for him, when he didn't get his way, or-
"Uh, huh, You already killed the demons from my vision, which by the way, if that was the Power's idea of a congratulations gift to us, they had better pray never to meet me face to face." Angel chuckled softly. Whatever romantic notions he'd had about himself and Cordelia and "the morning after" had been swept away the moment she had marched through the front doors the next day and grimly declared they had a case. It had taken all of them, Spike included, to bring the pair of Sny'arks down. It seemed the Powers were taking advantage of their extra pair of super-human hands while Spike was here, which brought him to this morning. "So, spill. What did this?"
Angel sighed. There really was no avoiding it anymore. "Spike."
"What about him?" she asked.
"He did this." Angel replied, gingerly probing the cut above his eye.
"What did *you* do?" She asked pointedly as she slid off his lap and scooped up his son, using Connor as a barrier between them.
Angel wasn't thrilled by her suspicious tone. Why did she automatically assume he was in the wrong? "I apologized."
Cordy frowned, clearly confused. "I don't get it?"
"I've been trying to do what you said and it's- not enough." He watched the lines on Cordelia's face deepen as she got up and lay his son in a bassinet. She turned around and studied his bruised but healing face.
"What makes you think it wasn't enough?"
Angel shrugged and held out his hand for her. She sauntered over and sat down, allowing him to put his arm around her and pull her close. He grunted as she bumped into a particularly sore rib, "It was either him yelling 'It's not enough, you fucking bastard' or all the punching and kicking that was going on."
"What did you do?" she asked softly this time.
"Took it." He leaned into her, rubbing his nose through her hair, breathing her in. He had a brief flashback of fisting his hands in her thick tresses and slamming her head into the ground. He shuddered and took another breath. Her hair smelled of Pantene and baby powder. He let her scent steady him. It was a comfort he was fast becoming addicted to. "He was right. Saying I'm sorry couldn't begin to make up for what I did to him."
"I just hoped-"
"I know what you wanted, but I'm not sure there *is* a way to give back what I took away, except-" Angel stopped, and bit his lip. He'd almost said too much. He felt Cordy's cheek slide over his shoulder as she looked up at him. He looked down. Shit.
"Except?"
Fuck, he had said too much. He should have known those sharp ears would catch his slip. "It's nothing. It's impossible."
"Then you can tell me what it is." she pressed.
"No, I can't," he resisted.
"Angel...."
"Is Spike worth more than us, than this?" He squeezed her shoulder. "Is he?" Another flash, slapping Spike's backside as he held him down. Fear pouring off the younger vamp, then a curious calm.... acceptance.
She searched his face in confusion, opened her mouth, then closed it. Her searched turned inward and his stomach dropped as something hard and stubborn slid behind the warm brown of her eyes. "Remember our conversation before we- you know?"
"Made love? Yes."
"I told you that I couldn't let my feelings for you come before those souls we are meant to help. Spike may not have a soul, but the Powers sent him to us. He is a part of the mission." That steely resolve bled away and it was Cordy staring up at him, pleading softly for understanding. "I can't give up the mission. I sacrificed too much to hold on to it. I made it as much mine as yours and I couldn't be happy if I knew I had put my wants above someone else's needs, not if there was something we can do."
"Even if it is... extreme?" Angel asked, the last of his resistance fading. She'd get it out of him and then the ball would be in her court. Cordelia had proved she could handle herself, but this was a lot more complex than life and death.
"Angel! Just tell me," she said, exasperated.
Angel studied her features with growing trepidation. There were some things you just shouldn't have to ask your brand-new girlfriend to consider. "There is a ritual, of a sorts," he finally replied. "Wes has made you read up on vampire mythology, right?" She nodded. "You understand about hierarchy, don't you, how vampires are ranked by age and prowess?"
Her face scrunched a bit as she thought about it, "I think I do. The Master, the ugly bald freak that Buffy killed, he was the head of your line."
Angel nodded. "He was the oldest surviving member of the House of Aurelius. Buffy killed him and Luke, who would have taken his place."
Cordy bit the inside of her cheek as she considered, "So there was no Master?"
Angel smiled ruefully, "Actually, Darla became the head of the House of Aurelius until I killed her and then the title fell to me."
"So how come the Master guy was so freaksome?"
Angel gave her a stern look for dragging them off topic but he answered her question. "As we age, our demons become more prominent."
"But, you don't-"
"Our human bodies don't age," he interrupted, "But our demons do and as they integrate within their host body, their unique demonic attributes become more pronounced. Some vampires loose the ability to shift into human form, some grow hooves or claws, maybe horns. It's different for each of us."
"So you might eventually be stuck with your bumpies showing?" she asked curiously.
Angel kissed the tip of her nose. "The Master was over a thousand years old. I don't intend to be around that long." He shut his eyes and enjoyed the heat and solid reality of her as she snuggled deeper into his side. He could still remember the fine spray of hot coppery blood coating his lips and throat when he had bit her, but her trust and the simple domesticity of the moment quelled most of the lingering bloodlust. With Cordy and Connor he had been given a gift he'd never dared to dream-
"I'd love you anyway," she whispered, "Even if you had cow feet."
Something tender and radiant banded around Angel's heart and squeezed but the pain was a beautiful thing. He pushed Cordelia away and stood up. She looked up at him quizzically, lips parting to ask him why, but he just shook his head. "Don't," he whispered. "That- the way you made me feel. It was too close."
"I'm sorry," she said and the moment of near perfection was dashed.
"No, Cor. Don't be, I-" He clenched his fists, muscles cording with tension. "It's just so frustrating!" he exploded, beginning to pace, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault."
"I'll just have to remember to be bitchier," she said matter of factly. She gave him a slow once over. "You're hair is ugly and... I hate those socks! Now what's this ritual you were talking about?" She batted her eyelashes at him, dragging a chuckle from someplace deep in his chest.
He continued to pace. "It's not a ritual per se but it would give Spike temporary status as head of the House of Aurelius, symbolically giving him all the power and authority of Master but it's...." He hesitated. Cordelia's eyebrows shot up as she gave him and impatient look. "It's -sexual- in nature," he rushed on, "The thing is, it's the only way I could think of to show Spike I was sincere about wanting to make it up to him, but there is *us* to consider, and it complicates things."
"How sexual in nature are we talking?" Cordy asked warily.
"Spike would have complete control over my body and my life. He would basically be free to do to me what I -did- to him."
"Oh," Cordy's mouth made a perfect circle of understanding. "OH! Angel that could be- he could kill you."
"That's why I didn't want to bring it up. Under the best circumstances it would be violent and bloody, but if Spike took it as an opportunity to take revenge.... unless," he stopped pacing and knelt in front of Cordelia. "Tell me I am crazy and I will never bring it up again, but if you were there, with us, it might keep him from acting out." He took her hands in his squeezing them tightly, "He trusts you, *I* trust you."
Cordelia's lips thinned as she realized what he was asking. "You want me to referee?" she asked disbelievingly.
Angel looked at her sharply, then sighed. "Basically." he admitted. "I don't want to do it if it will make you uncomfortable, but it might be the only thing that will make him understand that I seriously want to make amends." She was visibly withdrawing as she thought it over and already it was killing him.
Cordelia curled up on the couch, putting a little distance between them. She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, dropping her chin on her knees. She thought about it for a few eternal minutes. "Spike has a path, but before he can recognize it, he has to work out his issues with you and...." she hesitated, "Well, you first. I'm sure that's why the Powers sent him."
Angel remained silent, not wanting to pressure her either way.
"I guess this is nothing new to you, is it?"
Angel shook his head.
"I do like Spike okay and it could be sexy, watching two hot vampire guys going at it." She mused. A thought seemed to occur to her and she glared suspiciously, "You won't decide you want to run off with Spike and become the dynamic gay duo or something?"
"I'll never leave you, Cor. I'll never love another as long as you live," he promised solemnly, his dark eyes turning black with emotion. She cupped his cheek and he smiled wryly, "You think I'm hot?" Suddenly his smile faded, "You think Spike is hot?"
She laughed at him then, a deep throaty sound that he decided he would never tire of hearing. "Hey, I'm not the one proposing the threesome."
"Whoa," Angel said, "I never said anything about a threesome."
"But...." Cordelia scowled, "You said you wanted me there. You want me to just watch? That's- so very wrong."
"Cordelia, this isn't just a romp in the sack. This is- when you and I made love it was as a man and woman. I couldn't let the other side of myself out then because your blood still calls to me." Angel pushed down his natural reticence to hide this facet of his nature from her. She had told him she didn't want any more nasty surprises and if Spike fully asserted his dominance over Angel, it very well could be nasty, vicious and scarring for her to watch.
"What will pass between Spike and I will be hard to understand, at best this is going to test the limits of your acceptance of me, of what I am. This sort of power play is nothing new, but I've never been the one without the power and that- terrifies me. I don't want you in the middle of -us- if something were to go wrong."
Cordelia was staring at the floor with wide unfocused eyes. "This is a vampire thing then, vampire sex, vampire emotional issues." She blinked rapidly, looking up at him with shining eyes. "But that's just the thing. I haven't been able to fully reach Spike because I've been trying to appeal to his humanity. This- this is for his demon."
"Yes."
"And you can do this. You are willing?" There was a certain detachment in her voice. This was mission business and she sounded almost clinical.
"I think it could help, so yes."
"You said you've done it before."
Angel sat on the heavy coffee table, facing her. "I've always been the one with the power, the top."
"What are you saying?"
"I've never-" He shifted, suddenly finding it hard to look at her. He'd done everything in the book -and then some- except this one thing. He didn't want Cordy to think about his vast sexual back-story. He knew it was hard enough for her to live down Buffy, Darla, Dru and Spike. "I've taken men in my bed, Cordy but I've never been taken...."
"You've never had butt-sex?"
"Cordy! I- no," he gaped at her when he saw the twinkle of amusement in her eyes.
"Sorry, Angel, I'm just surprised is all. I figured you'd tried everything at least once. I seriously hadn't considered that there would be something you hadn't done." She slid off the couch and nestled between his thighs. Curious as to what she was up to, Angel remained still. He let out a long breath as Cordelia started to nibble her way across his chest. It had should have occurred to him that she would take his sexual history in stride. If acceptance could be considered a strength, then she had it in spades. "So if you've never done it before," She flicked her tongue into the hollow of his throat, making him moan as his head tilted back to give her access. "How do you know you *won't* want to run off with Spike after this is over?"
If she kept doing that, he would be content to stay in this spot forever, Spike, their friends and the Powers be damned. She bit his collarbone and he smiled, giving himself over to her mouth completely. "You are a piece of work, you know that, Chase?"
"That's why you love me." she replied, lightly.
"That I do," he rumbled. His head snapped forward and he looked down at her rapidly descending form. "Cor, what are you doing?"
"If you have to ask," the button of his slacks was undone, "Then you must have a lot less," the zipper pulled down, "Experience in these matters," Silk was pushed aside and his solid cock grasped and kissed lightly, "Than you let on."
"The baby-"
"Is over there." She kissed his balls, "We are here." She licked the long vein all the way up the underside of his erection. "Wanna see if I can make a vampire pray?"
Cordelia's mouth closed around him, sliding down until he was fully encased in her deliciously warm, moist mouth. Angel leaned back on the palms of his hands, watching her as she began a slow rhythm designed to tease and torture. He pushed thoughts of Spike, the mission and everything else out of his mind as his eyes slid closed. He did not deserve to feel this good. "Oh God!" he groaned, as she clutched his hips and took him even deeper.