My Day of Birth
My 18th birthday reaches finality in 12 minutes of this entries' beginning, so I figured this would be an opportune time to begin journalizing before I head up to Montana just after the summer ends. I just bought my first legal carton, which I am now ravenously smoking as I grip for the words I want to express to those that are attentive. Apparently Marb Medium (Soft Packs) were my final reward tonight..How truly peculiar and depressing. Marlboros often stike me as the cigarette of loneliness. Perhaps they signify the loneliness of being a newly born man; even a morale boost to fill me with the masculinity for my independence in the land of lewis, clark, and Ted Turner.
If any feelings of doubt truly are in me now, they are in myself and not of my soon to be or current surroundings. I fear my detatchment to those who love and strengthen me. And similarly the detachment from those who gave birth to me on this day, for they seem most of all unlike me, when it is to them I should always feel a slight thread of belonging. I fear that today I did not ring my voice glorious enough, did not shake the pavement or make tremble the walls. No, today I am still a simple boy. One who listens, yet is heard enough to his liking, and patiently waits for his own chalk-marks to be seen on the slate. I feel respected but don't now why, Even more so today, though I had not even bothered to communicate with any who have taught me so much and brought me so far. No not on this day. This day, surpassing any other explains to me my inner mysteries. My fear of relationships, friendships, and family.
It's tragically hard to explain...But in the words of Popeye, "I ams what I am and that's all that I ams"...I feel really good, really wasteful, and really sick.
If any feelings of doubt truly are in me now, they are in myself and not of my soon to be or current surroundings. I fear my detatchment to those who love and strengthen me. And similarly the detachment from those who gave birth to me on this day, for they seem most of all unlike me, when it is to them I should always feel a slight thread of belonging. I fear that today I did not ring my voice glorious enough, did not shake the pavement or make tremble the walls. No, today I am still a simple boy. One who listens, yet is heard enough to his liking, and patiently waits for his own chalk-marks to be seen on the slate. I feel respected but don't now why, Even more so today, though I had not even bothered to communicate with any who have taught me so much and brought me so far. No not on this day. This day, surpassing any other explains to me my inner mysteries. My fear of relationships, friendships, and family.
It's tragically hard to explain...But in the words of Popeye, "I ams what I am and that's all that I ams"...I feel really good, really wasteful, and really sick.