this room gets smaller with every coat of paint
Having my own trajectory has shown me many ways i've grown and changed over the last five years; most interestingly are traits i had and put aside without realizing it. I'm rediscovering how much i like and am good at drawing people out and turning casual conversations into engaging and compassionate exchanges. Melanie is also really good at this - she has a very direct, confrontational and loving manner. So i often stood back and watched her go, adding my thoughts only when i felt it necessary. I hadn't noticed that i stopped doing it myself until a couple weeks ago when i met a sweet and tough old hippy who started a custom leather handbag shop near my house and Melanie was the one observing instead. Since then i've noticed how new, indulgent and tender it feels to take the lead in an uncommon conversation.
Not too long after i'd really started taking stock in where i'm at now, Melanie said she'd like to get back together; not to the exclusion of anyone i'm seeing or might see, and certainly not changing our personal spaces - mostly a commitment that we won't drift out of each other's lives. My initial response was a very restrained weariness. She expected me to be right there and enthusiastic, instead i laid out all my reasoning that neither she or i was in a place to be anything defined to one another for some time to come. We processed heavily for 3 days - my first weekend off work in months. It was good to get a clear picture of where both of us are at and work through the shittier bits of our breakup - but ultimately i just couldn't get over the feeling that i had crushed her and justified a respectable distance where i can keep my hands clean. I completely stand behind everything i said and feel like it was all done with integrity - but i DO want her in my life and i don't know i can be supportive and loving without getting in the way of her process. The way she reached out felt desperate, the concessions she offered completely unfair to her, and she doesn't share my sense of holding back around her - she feels like i've been more present and engaging than ever. That may be true, i've been very concerned that her funk seems to be taking her further out of her life and away from her friends - i wanted to make sure she felt like she had someone understanding and non-judgemental. Not a role i want to start a relationship on. Who am i to say i know what she's going through and what's best for her?
We want the same thing but i can't entertain it now and can't say we'll be in the same place when we are ready. What the fuck kind of love is that? Lukewarm and sentimental never meant much to me - i don't want to be consumed in this.
i had some lovely and heartening things to put into his entry but i should let them stand on their own and get out into the little bit of free time i have at any rate.
Not too long after i'd really started taking stock in where i'm at now, Melanie said she'd like to get back together; not to the exclusion of anyone i'm seeing or might see, and certainly not changing our personal spaces - mostly a commitment that we won't drift out of each other's lives. My initial response was a very restrained weariness. She expected me to be right there and enthusiastic, instead i laid out all my reasoning that neither she or i was in a place to be anything defined to one another for some time to come. We processed heavily for 3 days - my first weekend off work in months. It was good to get a clear picture of where both of us are at and work through the shittier bits of our breakup - but ultimately i just couldn't get over the feeling that i had crushed her and justified a respectable distance where i can keep my hands clean. I completely stand behind everything i said and feel like it was all done with integrity - but i DO want her in my life and i don't know i can be supportive and loving without getting in the way of her process. The way she reached out felt desperate, the concessions she offered completely unfair to her, and she doesn't share my sense of holding back around her - she feels like i've been more present and engaging than ever. That may be true, i've been very concerned that her funk seems to be taking her further out of her life and away from her friends - i wanted to make sure she felt like she had someone understanding and non-judgemental. Not a role i want to start a relationship on. Who am i to say i know what she's going through and what's best for her?
We want the same thing but i can't entertain it now and can't say we'll be in the same place when we are ready. What the fuck kind of love is that? Lukewarm and sentimental never meant much to me - i don't want to be consumed in this.
i had some lovely and heartening things to put into his entry but i should let them stand on their own and get out into the little bit of free time i have at any rate.