Alternate Deathly Hallows ending
The little family moved towards the train through the hustle and bustle of platform nine and three-quarters. As Lily and Albus, the younger children, sought out friends, Harry found an empty carriage and helped his eldest son James lift his trunk onto the train. James, who was never one to do anything quietly, peppered Harry with questions as he struggled with the heavy load.
“When you fought Voldemort for the - how many times did you fight him?”
“Ninety-six, give or take a dozen.”
“Right. So when you fought him for the ninety-sixth time, you died?”
“Yes. No. Well, sort of. I thought I was going to die, then I died, but I wasn’t really dead, only everyone thought I was. You should have seen it: Hagrid was carrying me, and someone said ‘Bring out your dead!’, and then I popped up and said ‘I’m not dead! I’m getting better!’ and then a Muggle came along and said ‘She’s a witch! Burn her!’, and then I said ‘I’m not a witch. I’ve got all my bits, see? I’m a wiz-‘“
James interrupted him impatiently. “So you came back to life, like Jesus?”
“Who's Jesus?”
“I forgot, you didn't take Muggle Studies at when you were at Hogwarts.” James paused for a moment while he grabbed his owl’s cage. “And Uncle Ron ran away and deserted you?”
“Yes. No. Well, sort of. He left, but then he came back right away, only he didn’t come back right away because he couldn’t find us.”
“Why did he leave?”
“He got scared that he wasn’t going to see a square meal for several more months, and there was also the very real danger of developing asthma from all the cat dander in the tent. Weasleys are prone to it” Harry explained.
“So he took to his feet and chickened out?”
"Well, he was actually brave, in a breath-focused, stomach-loving way."
“So he bravely ran away! When danger reared its ugly head he bravely turned his tail and fled.”
“Yes, but to give him his due, he was not afraid to die, oh brave Uncle Ron. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Now that’s enough questions, James Dobby Potter; the train will be leaving soon.”
“Just one more, dad!” James begged. “Tell me about Snape. He was actually good?”
“Yes. No. Well, sort of. He loved your grandmother Lily, but he still was a right old git, insulting people, calling them empty-headed animal food trough wipers and such.”
"You named Albus after someone who's a git?"
"There's a little git in all of us, son. Now it’s time to get on the Hogwarts Express, it’s going to leave any minute.”
Harry grabbed Lily as she tried to sneak on the train.
“Lily Hedwig Potter, I wasn’t telling you to get on the train! You won’t be going to Hogwarts for another two years."
Tears welled in Lily's eyes, and Harry's expression softened.
"Tell you what, Lily. When we get home I'll conjure some empty coconut halves, and we can play that we're King Arthur's men riding our horses out on a quest!"
And there was much rejoicing.
********************************
If you haven't seen The Holy Grail, this will have left you going "WTF??"
“When you fought Voldemort for the - how many times did you fight him?”
“Ninety-six, give or take a dozen.”
“Right. So when you fought him for the ninety-sixth time, you died?”
“Yes. No. Well, sort of. I thought I was going to die, then I died, but I wasn’t really dead, only everyone thought I was. You should have seen it: Hagrid was carrying me, and someone said ‘Bring out your dead!’, and then I popped up and said ‘I’m not dead! I’m getting better!’ and then a Muggle came along and said ‘She’s a witch! Burn her!’, and then I said ‘I’m not a witch. I’ve got all my bits, see? I’m a wiz-‘“
James interrupted him impatiently. “So you came back to life, like Jesus?”
“Who's Jesus?”
“I forgot, you didn't take Muggle Studies at when you were at Hogwarts.” James paused for a moment while he grabbed his owl’s cage. “And Uncle Ron ran away and deserted you?”
“Yes. No. Well, sort of. He left, but then he came back right away, only he didn’t come back right away because he couldn’t find us.”
“Why did he leave?”
“He got scared that he wasn’t going to see a square meal for several more months, and there was also the very real danger of developing asthma from all the cat dander in the tent. Weasleys are prone to it” Harry explained.
“So he took to his feet and chickened out?”
"Well, he was actually brave, in a breath-focused, stomach-loving way."
“So he bravely ran away! When danger reared its ugly head he bravely turned his tail and fled.”
“Yes, but to give him his due, he was not afraid to die, oh brave Uncle Ron. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Now that’s enough questions, James Dobby Potter; the train will be leaving soon.”
“Just one more, dad!” James begged. “Tell me about Snape. He was actually good?”
“Yes. No. Well, sort of. He loved your grandmother Lily, but he still was a right old git, insulting people, calling them empty-headed animal food trough wipers and such.”
"You named Albus after someone who's a git?"
"There's a little git in all of us, son. Now it’s time to get on the Hogwarts Express, it’s going to leave any minute.”
Harry grabbed Lily as she tried to sneak on the train.
“Lily Hedwig Potter, I wasn’t telling you to get on the train! You won’t be going to Hogwarts for another two years."
Tears welled in Lily's eyes, and Harry's expression softened.
"Tell you what, Lily. When we get home I'll conjure some empty coconut halves, and we can play that we're King Arthur's men riding our horses out on a quest!"
And there was much rejoicing.
********************************
If you haven't seen The Holy Grail, this will have left you going "WTF??"