aids is for lovers.
Every time I meet a girl, and I find myself liking her, there's always one flaw I can't help but focus on. Nine times out of ten it's something lame and insignificant. Something like she talks funny, or her nose is a little weird looking, or I hate her name, or she's sucked a lot of dick. Things like that. I dwell on them and dwell on them, eventually I get soured, and I just stop speaking to them. This has pretty much plagued me for my entire life.
Perhaps I'm nit-picking because I'm afraid they could be perfect for me, yet I'm deathly afraid of commitment. So I find certain "shortcomings" so to speak, and I run with them. Or maybe I just really fucking hate accents, and weird noses and the name "Roxanne." Goddamn, I hate that name. And sluts. Yeah, I hate sluts.
I really don't know. But what I do know is that I'm picky. Damn picky. I want nothing short of perfection. And what is perfection?
Well, here is a list of qualities my ideal girlfriend needs to possess:
Physical attributes:
Hair - Blonde. I fucking love blonde hair. I'd also settle for black hair. But not naturally black, because naturally black hair sucks. Dyed black is hot shit. Some girls look sooooooooo fucking hot with black hair. No brown, or red. In all of my experiences with girls, brown haired ones are the most trouble. I've never dated a red haired girl, but I'm pretty sure they're sluts and they suck a lot of dick.
Eyes - If the girl has blonde hair, I want her to have brown eyes. Blonde/brown is my absolute favorite hair/eye combination. That's probably the main reason why murder_it is the prettiest girl in the entire universe. She's got that down perfect. But anyway, if the girl has black hair, blue eyes would be in order. Black/blue is the second best hair/eye combination. uhmmmstopit has black hair and blue eyes, and she's hot as hell. So yeah, I know what I'm talking about.
Height - TALL. TALL. TALL. TALL. I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH. Nothing shorter than 5'7. 5'7 - 5'10 is my ideal height range. I'm 6'2, so I want to be able to at least walk down the street with my girlfriend and not feel weird. I'm so sick of short girls. And it seems like they're getting shorter and shorter. Hell, guys are too. I saw this couple the other day, the both of them must have been at least 5'5 tops. How fucking ridiculous is that? If you're a guy and you're 5'5, I don't care if your dick is ten inches, YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN. True story. Anyway, short girls need not apply. Tall and only tall.
Weight - I'm horrible at guessing girls weights, so I'm guessing between 110-130 lbs? That seems reasonable I think. Thin. Thin is in. And she definitely can't weigh more than me. I'm pretty sure I don't really have to get into the whole fat girl specifics, most of you already know how shallow I am. But yeah, NO FAT CHICKS.
Physical features - She has to have really nice skin. Soft and smooth and such. Skin is important. Tan is nice. But not too tan. Orange isn't hot. Maybe a goldish hue?
Boobs are really not of my concern, I could frankly care less. Just as long as her chest is bigger than mine. Because frankly if they weren't, that could be really, really creepy.
I rather like Paris Hiltons tits.
Asses are nice. exploit_me has a pretty sweet ass, so I guess something like hers. Too bad I don't have any visuals to post here. :[
Legs. I'm really big on legs for some reason. I think legs are mega hot. So she has to have nice long, muscular legs. Like Stacey Keibler style. Mmmm.
Oh, and she has to get french manicures all the time!!! You know, fingernails with the white tips. Oh God, I love that so much. Don't ask why, I just do.
As far as tattoos go, anything tasteful. None of this chest piece crap, though. Chest pieces are seriously the work of Satan. Sleeves on girls don't really look too appealing either. Piercings should look tasteful too. I'm a sucker for nose rings. NOT SEPTUMS. Then again, we went over this. So girls with nose rings please stand up. Monroes look nice too. And if you have an eyebrow ring please slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your skull. Thanks.
Glasses would be pretty sweet, too. Not required, but it never hurts.
And she must smell good all the time. I try and smell good always, so should she.
Personality and such:
First and foremost, SHE HAS TO BE CLEAN.
CLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEAN.
I obsess over cleanliness. Like seriously. OCD style. It's scary. If she's not clean, there's the fucking door. Seriously. I'm through with messy girls. I'm a firm believer in NOT HAVING SHIT ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. Her car's interior also has to be impeccable. I mean if I'm going to be spending a fair amount of time in her vehicle, it damn well better be spotless.
Humor - She has to be funny. Not as funny as me, because like, well, who can? But at least somewhat funny. And she always has to laugh at my jokes. Unless it's like super lame, then she can walk away or whatever. She also has to appreciate my sense of humor. Something that all but four people in this world obviously can't do. And because you're all curious, those people are oooh_lala, memoriah, count_me_0ut, and last but not least, nerdrockjosh. Those people get me. The rest of you, well....be more like those people. Anyway, yeah, I want my girlfriend to have a dry sense of humor. And she has to be sarcastic too. So sarcastic I never know when she's not being sarcastic. And cynical, too. Cynicism is totally hot shit. Not as hot as dry humor or sarcasm, but it's pretty fucking hot.
Intelligence - She has to be smart. Really smart. Smarter than me. But not too smart. Not spending every waking moment babbling on about the latest faggoty book she read. Or bitching about politics and blah blah blah. And speaking of books, I hope she hates them too. Books are a complete waste of time. WHERE'S THE REPLAY VALUE? Nobody ever re-reads books. I mean, wtf? Anyway, she also has to type well. That includes using punctuation and periods at the end of each sentence. SOMETHING NONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DO. She must also enjoy playing scrabble and she must find it cute when I try and pass off made up words as actual ones.
Social - She must like sitting home and doing nothing. Because I love sitting home and doing nothing. She must also believe that going out doesn't necessarily assure a good time. We'd much rather be content chilling at home, playing Halo, and drinking some 151. <3. Oh, and she must love Halo. And 151. And speaking of miss 151...
She must not be straight edge. I can't stress this enough. She must drink and smoke. Okay, well, she doesn't have to smoke, but she must be cool about it, and not bitch at me about how awful of a habit it is. I'm well aware of its awfulness, I don't need you bitching at me, that's the rest of the world's job. But if she does smoke she better not fucking smoke in my car or hers. That's the absolute worst. THE WORST, JERRY. THE WORST. She must also NOT be vegan or vegetarian. I fucking love meat, so she should too. There's no way in hell I could go out with an anti-meat girl. I take most things with a grain of salt, but not that. Seriously. Go meat, or go home.
And while we're still on the social issue, well, sort of, she can't have more than like 300 myspace friends. Anything more than 300 is just ridiculous.
Passion - She has to have a passion about something. Like I have a passion about music, and star wars, and racism. So she should too. Whether it be something really ridiculous and far-fetched, I don't care.
Religion - She shouldn't be too religious. Too religious is weird. I want her to have the same outlook on religion as I do. Yes, I believe in God, but I don't feel the need to go to church. Nor do I feel the need to spend every moment of my life praising God. Nor do I feel the need to try and preach my faith on everyone else. Fuck that. She doesn't have to be catholic, but nothing really eccentric. No jevohah's witnesses or jews or anything.
Et cetera... - She must like everything that I like. Things such as but not limited to: AIDS, alcohol, baseball, George W. Bush, hair metal, halo, hello kitty, lindsay lohan, meat, the oc, pornography, sleeping, star wars, strip clubs, strippers, all things stripper or strip club related.
She must also enjoy talking shit about everything/everyone under the sun. And if someone has a problem with it, she'll open a couple of cans of whoop ass. She must also hate all the stupid girls who date those faggot fashioncore guys who play nothing but shitty music. She has to be down, too. Like if I say, "Baby, I'm going to rob a bank." And she'll say, "I'll drive." "<33333" "<33333" And I'd really like it if she hated cats. Because cats are the worst creatures ever.
And she can't like gravy train!!!11. gravy train!!!11 is seriously the worst/most annoying/gayest band in existence. true story, motherfuckers.
I'd like it if she did little cute things. Like random phone calls or text messages saying how she's thinking of me or something. Or things like the way Krista helps Adam with his drums. There is nothing more awesome than that. Props, Krista, Props. She (my hypothetical girlfriend, not krista) could also send me flowers. Flowers are great.
And what's up with the crap about the guy always paying for everything? For once I'd just like a girl to reach for the check. That's all I'm asking for. Just a reach. I'm more than willing to pay. Shit, I don't think there's been an occasion where I DIDN'T pay. But yeah, just a reach. That's all I'm asking for. :/
Sex - Whatever happened in the past, stays in the past. I don't want to hear about how many guys she had sex with or how shes sucked 37 dicks. I'm not talking about my past and she's not talking about hers. As far as sex with each other is concerned, whatever. Sex is pretty much the last thing I'm concerned about. If she's a virgin + 987928374727987345987098304853485305435 points, though.
But lastly, none of this matters if she doesn't make me happy. If she makes me happy that's all that really matters. And that's the truest story of them all.
And I think I put entirely too much thought into this. :[
The end.
Perhaps I'm nit-picking because I'm afraid they could be perfect for me, yet I'm deathly afraid of commitment. So I find certain "shortcomings" so to speak, and I run with them. Or maybe I just really fucking hate accents, and weird noses and the name "Roxanne." Goddamn, I hate that name. And sluts. Yeah, I hate sluts.
I really don't know. But what I do know is that I'm picky. Damn picky. I want nothing short of perfection. And what is perfection?
Well, here is a list of qualities my ideal girlfriend needs to possess:
Physical attributes:
Hair - Blonde. I fucking love blonde hair. I'd also settle for black hair. But not naturally black, because naturally black hair sucks. Dyed black is hot shit. Some girls look sooooooooo fucking hot with black hair. No brown, or red. In all of my experiences with girls, brown haired ones are the most trouble. I've never dated a red haired girl, but I'm pretty sure they're sluts and they suck a lot of dick.
Eyes - If the girl has blonde hair, I want her to have brown eyes. Blonde/brown is my absolute favorite hair/eye combination. That's probably the main reason why murder_it is the prettiest girl in the entire universe. She's got that down perfect. But anyway, if the girl has black hair, blue eyes would be in order. Black/blue is the second best hair/eye combination. uhmmmstopit has black hair and blue eyes, and she's hot as hell. So yeah, I know what I'm talking about.
Height - TALL. TALL. TALL. TALL. I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH. Nothing shorter than 5'7. 5'7 - 5'10 is my ideal height range. I'm 6'2, so I want to be able to at least walk down the street with my girlfriend and not feel weird. I'm so sick of short girls. And it seems like they're getting shorter and shorter. Hell, guys are too. I saw this couple the other day, the both of them must have been at least 5'5 tops. How fucking ridiculous is that? If you're a guy and you're 5'5, I don't care if your dick is ten inches, YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN. True story. Anyway, short girls need not apply. Tall and only tall.
Weight - I'm horrible at guessing girls weights, so I'm guessing between 110-130 lbs? That seems reasonable I think. Thin. Thin is in. And she definitely can't weigh more than me. I'm pretty sure I don't really have to get into the whole fat girl specifics, most of you already know how shallow I am. But yeah, NO FAT CHICKS.
Physical features - She has to have really nice skin. Soft and smooth and such. Skin is important. Tan is nice. But not too tan. Orange isn't hot. Maybe a goldish hue?
Boobs are really not of my concern, I could frankly care less. Just as long as her chest is bigger than mine. Because frankly if they weren't, that could be really, really creepy.
I rather like Paris Hiltons tits.
Asses are nice. exploit_me has a pretty sweet ass, so I guess something like hers. Too bad I don't have any visuals to post here. :[
Legs. I'm really big on legs for some reason. I think legs are mega hot. So she has to have nice long, muscular legs. Like Stacey Keibler style. Mmmm.
Oh, and she has to get french manicures all the time!!! You know, fingernails with the white tips. Oh God, I love that so much. Don't ask why, I just do.
As far as tattoos go, anything tasteful. None of this chest piece crap, though. Chest pieces are seriously the work of Satan. Sleeves on girls don't really look too appealing either. Piercings should look tasteful too. I'm a sucker for nose rings. NOT SEPTUMS. Then again, we went over this. So girls with nose rings please stand up. Monroes look nice too. And if you have an eyebrow ring please slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your skull. Thanks.
Glasses would be pretty sweet, too. Not required, but it never hurts.
And she must smell good all the time. I try and smell good always, so should she.
Personality and such:
First and foremost, SHE HAS TO BE CLEAN.
CLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEAN.
I obsess over cleanliness. Like seriously. OCD style. It's scary. If she's not clean, there's the fucking door. Seriously. I'm through with messy girls. I'm a firm believer in NOT HAVING SHIT ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. Her car's interior also has to be impeccable. I mean if I'm going to be spending a fair amount of time in her vehicle, it damn well better be spotless.
Humor - She has to be funny. Not as funny as me, because like, well, who can? But at least somewhat funny. And she always has to laugh at my jokes. Unless it's like super lame, then she can walk away or whatever. She also has to appreciate my sense of humor. Something that all but four people in this world obviously can't do. And because you're all curious, those people are oooh_lala, memoriah, count_me_0ut, and last but not least, nerdrockjosh. Those people get me. The rest of you, well....be more like those people. Anyway, yeah, I want my girlfriend to have a dry sense of humor. And she has to be sarcastic too. So sarcastic I never know when she's not being sarcastic. And cynical, too. Cynicism is totally hot shit. Not as hot as dry humor or sarcasm, but it's pretty fucking hot.
Intelligence - She has to be smart. Really smart. Smarter than me. But not too smart. Not spending every waking moment babbling on about the latest faggoty book she read. Or bitching about politics and blah blah blah. And speaking of books, I hope she hates them too. Books are a complete waste of time. WHERE'S THE REPLAY VALUE? Nobody ever re-reads books. I mean, wtf? Anyway, she also has to type well. That includes using punctuation and periods at the end of each sentence. SOMETHING NONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DO. She must also enjoy playing scrabble and she must find it cute when I try and pass off made up words as actual ones.
Social - She must like sitting home and doing nothing. Because I love sitting home and doing nothing. She must also believe that going out doesn't necessarily assure a good time. We'd much rather be content chilling at home, playing Halo, and drinking some 151. <3. Oh, and she must love Halo. And 151. And speaking of miss 151...
She must not be straight edge. I can't stress this enough. She must drink and smoke. Okay, well, she doesn't have to smoke, but she must be cool about it, and not bitch at me about how awful of a habit it is. I'm well aware of its awfulness, I don't need you bitching at me, that's the rest of the world's job. But if she does smoke she better not fucking smoke in my car or hers. That's the absolute worst. THE WORST, JERRY. THE WORST. She must also NOT be vegan or vegetarian. I fucking love meat, so she should too. There's no way in hell I could go out with an anti-meat girl. I take most things with a grain of salt, but not that. Seriously. Go meat, or go home.
And while we're still on the social issue, well, sort of, she can't have more than like 300 myspace friends. Anything more than 300 is just ridiculous.
Passion - She has to have a passion about something. Like I have a passion about music, and star wars, and racism. So she should too. Whether it be something really ridiculous and far-fetched, I don't care.
Religion - She shouldn't be too religious. Too religious is weird. I want her to have the same outlook on religion as I do. Yes, I believe in God, but I don't feel the need to go to church. Nor do I feel the need to spend every moment of my life praising God. Nor do I feel the need to try and preach my faith on everyone else. Fuck that. She doesn't have to be catholic, but nothing really eccentric. No jevohah's witnesses or jews or anything.
Et cetera... - She must like everything that I like. Things such as but not limited to: AIDS, alcohol, baseball, George W. Bush, hair metal, halo, hello kitty, lindsay lohan, meat, the oc, pornography, sleeping, star wars, strip clubs, strippers, all things stripper or strip club related.
She must also enjoy talking shit about everything/everyone under the sun. And if someone has a problem with it, she'll open a couple of cans of whoop ass. She must also hate all the stupid girls who date those faggot fashioncore guys who play nothing but shitty music. She has to be down, too. Like if I say, "Baby, I'm going to rob a bank." And she'll say, "I'll drive." "<33333" "<33333" And I'd really like it if she hated cats. Because cats are the worst creatures ever.
And she can't like gravy train!!!11. gravy train!!!11 is seriously the worst/most annoying/gayest band in existence. true story, motherfuckers.
I'd like it if she did little cute things. Like random phone calls or text messages saying how she's thinking of me or something. Or things like the way Krista helps Adam with his drums. There is nothing more awesome than that. Props, Krista, Props. She (my hypothetical girlfriend, not krista) could also send me flowers. Flowers are great.
And what's up with the crap about the guy always paying for everything? For once I'd just like a girl to reach for the check. That's all I'm asking for. Just a reach. I'm more than willing to pay. Shit, I don't think there's been an occasion where I DIDN'T pay. But yeah, just a reach. That's all I'm asking for. :/
Sex - Whatever happened in the past, stays in the past. I don't want to hear about how many guys she had sex with or how shes sucked 37 dicks. I'm not talking about my past and she's not talking about hers. As far as sex with each other is concerned, whatever. Sex is pretty much the last thing I'm concerned about. If she's a virgin + 987928374727987345987098304853485305435 points, though.
But lastly, none of this matters if she doesn't make me happy. If she makes me happy that's all that really matters. And that's the truest story of them all.
And I think I put entirely too much thought into this. :[
The end.