A friend e-mailed this too me!!!!
Counter Booty Call Agreement -
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to
as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2004, by_______________________ (hereinafter referred to as “Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess”), between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND
PRINCIPLES:
1. Calls must be made at least 2 hours prior to the
time when the bars close. Anything less will earn you
the title of “Inconsiderate Asshole” and your name and
contact information will be recorded on the “Wall of
Submissive Pleasure” in the Greyhound Bus Terminal
Men’s Room.
2. You must arrange for your own transportation and
for payment of said transportation. Your Mutherfucking
Sex Goddess is not picking your drunk ass up from the
titty bar or paying for your taxi.
2. Buying [1] drink does not constitute the price of
admission into the den of sexual debauchery. Your
Mutherfucking Sex Goddess is not a six-dollar whore.
You must purchase at least a [3] drink minimum. [5] if
you're ugly.
3. Do not ask if it’s the biggest Your Mutherfucking
Sex Goddess has ever seen. You know it’s not.
4. And taking a running start to ram yourself into
your partner will not make it seem bigger.
5. Do not demand to be referred to as “Daddy,”
“Pappy,” “Papito,” “Father McGinley” or any variation
of the aforementioned. The first infraction of this
rule will result in a warning; the second will be
penalized by an immediate call to your “Mommy” to
discuss her son’s aberrant sexual preferences.
6. The use of toys and other accoutrements will be
initiated at the discretion of Your Mutherfucking Sex
Goddess. Any that you bring that you’ve obviously used
in some other drunk ho is unacceptable and nasty.
7. Do not bring sentimental gifts. If we really liked
and respected you, we wouldn’t have let you come over.
8. Do not pretend to fall asleep when Your
Mutherfucking Sex Goddess goes into the bathroom to
get you a towel to clean up, leaving her to sleep on
the wet spot. You will be immediately defenestrated.
9. Do not attempt for a marathon session. Endurance
without results is boring and monotonous, and will
result in minus 20 points when your performance is
round-table analyzed by the girls at brunch the next
day.
10. Do not ask us if it was good, or say “That was
amazing” to goad us into making a reciprocal
statement. If you need to ask, it probably wasn't.
11. Don’t bother saying, “I’ll call you” as you
scramble for your clothes as you leave. Your
Mutherfucking Sex Goddess is already asleep and
dreaming about someone whom she actually gives a fuck
about.
14. Don't be offended if Your Mutherfucking Sex
Goddess does not remember your name. In your drunken
state, you probably don’t remember it either.
15. You can not help yourself to anything in the
fridge. Unless you want to get a bill in the mail.
16. Freshen up before you show up. Boys who stank, get
no skank.
17. You will not revise the night’s events to put your
prowess in a better light to your circle of
acquaintances after the fact. You will tell the
truth-that you were too drunk to get it up, that you
bit Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess’ knee thinking it
was her clitoris and thought you made her orgasm when
she screamed in pain, that you burst into tears for no
apparent reason during your sixth attempt at making
something happen shortly before you fell off the side
of the bed and passed out. And that you left wearing
her underwear.
The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the
holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts
to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it
will automatically become null and void and you will
then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted
from phone memory and email list. In other words, you
will be BLOCKED from all communications until your
silly ass understands the rules.
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to
as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2004, by_______________________ (hereinafter referred to as “Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess”), between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND
PRINCIPLES:
1. Calls must be made at least 2 hours prior to the
time when the bars close. Anything less will earn you
the title of “Inconsiderate Asshole” and your name and
contact information will be recorded on the “Wall of
Submissive Pleasure” in the Greyhound Bus Terminal
Men’s Room.
2. You must arrange for your own transportation and
for payment of said transportation. Your Mutherfucking
Sex Goddess is not picking your drunk ass up from the
titty bar or paying for your taxi.
2. Buying [1] drink does not constitute the price of
admission into the den of sexual debauchery. Your
Mutherfucking Sex Goddess is not a six-dollar whore.
You must purchase at least a [3] drink minimum. [5] if
you're ugly.
3. Do not ask if it’s the biggest Your Mutherfucking
Sex Goddess has ever seen. You know it’s not.
4. And taking a running start to ram yourself into
your partner will not make it seem bigger.
5. Do not demand to be referred to as “Daddy,”
“Pappy,” “Papito,” “Father McGinley” or any variation
of the aforementioned. The first infraction of this
rule will result in a warning; the second will be
penalized by an immediate call to your “Mommy” to
discuss her son’s aberrant sexual preferences.
6. The use of toys and other accoutrements will be
initiated at the discretion of Your Mutherfucking Sex
Goddess. Any that you bring that you’ve obviously used
in some other drunk ho is unacceptable and nasty.
7. Do not bring sentimental gifts. If we really liked
and respected you, we wouldn’t have let you come over.
8. Do not pretend to fall asleep when Your
Mutherfucking Sex Goddess goes into the bathroom to
get you a towel to clean up, leaving her to sleep on
the wet spot. You will be immediately defenestrated.
9. Do not attempt for a marathon session. Endurance
without results is boring and monotonous, and will
result in minus 20 points when your performance is
round-table analyzed by the girls at brunch the next
day.
10. Do not ask us if it was good, or say “That was
amazing” to goad us into making a reciprocal
statement. If you need to ask, it probably wasn't.
11. Don’t bother saying, “I’ll call you” as you
scramble for your clothes as you leave. Your
Mutherfucking Sex Goddess is already asleep and
dreaming about someone whom she actually gives a fuck
about.
14. Don't be offended if Your Mutherfucking Sex
Goddess does not remember your name. In your drunken
state, you probably don’t remember it either.
15. You can not help yourself to anything in the
fridge. Unless you want to get a bill in the mail.
16. Freshen up before you show up. Boys who stank, get
no skank.
17. You will not revise the night’s events to put your
prowess in a better light to your circle of
acquaintances after the fact. You will tell the
truth-that you were too drunk to get it up, that you
bit Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess’ knee thinking it
was her clitoris and thought you made her orgasm when
she screamed in pain, that you burst into tears for no
apparent reason during your sixth attempt at making
something happen shortly before you fell off the side
of the bed and passed out. And that you left wearing
her underwear.
The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the
holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts
to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it
will automatically become null and void and you will
then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted
from phone memory and email list. In other words, you
will be BLOCKED from all communications until your
silly ass understands the rules.
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________