(no subject)
I have never known anything but this boat.
That’s what it feels like sometimes while I row out by your house on the water. It’s just a little island here and infinitesimally smaller when the light in your bedroom goes on. That’s the only place in the world and I’m outside in this little boat so so far away from you.
What didn’t help was last night.
In case you forgot, last night, you were lost to me. In a swirl of cocaine and mescaline, some beef-headed bros whisked you away. I watched the light glint off of you. Lost into the nnn-tss nnn-tss nnn-tss of that environment. I felt very sad to see you go.
You were gone, though. You’re still gone.
Anyway the phosphorescence in this water makes each movement glow. Last night you wore this sequin dress. Like the kind that looks kind of trashy on overly tan girls. But you didn’t go outside enough. You were always cold. You were always pale. And that dress hung off of you. And that’s the worst part, I watched you slumped over in that dress, wasting away in front of my eyes. Here you were disappearing, right in front of me. And I let you disappear. And I don’t know if that was the wrong thing to do.
Maybe you belong with them.
Well while I row up the river making metaphors for whoever you were before last night, while I row out to meet Tammy and her crowd, while I light a spliff and listen to crickets, I think about how you’re gone and I think about how that makes me feel.
Not too shitty.
Paper lanterns across the lake squint at me. Oh, Jackson? That’s you? Oh thank god. We thought it was Chris and then you’d just have to leave.
I feel the boat slip up against the wet sand with that thick sloshy noise and I just quiver. This party is so wrong. Why am I here? Why the fuck do I go anywhere anymore?
Tammy’s drunk.
“JACKSON!” Her fingernails are all over my shoulders in a second. She gives me this wet kiss on the cheek and ruffles my hair and asks what took me so long because Tracy wants to bang me and don’t I want to meet Tracy she’s smoking hot? I guess. I guess. I just stand there while Tammy slurs and looks around anxiously waiting for someone else to show up that she’s gotta talk to.
Then she goes “oh! There’s Mindy! See you later Jackson!” and I’m back to feeling like, why the fuck am I even here? You’re not here. I wish I could tell you about this though, well I mean before you started hanging out with those club fags, what I mean is, I wish I could tell old you about this new situation and then we could laugh and you’d pass me the tofu your mom made us and I’d pass you the piece and we’d just get along like old times.
Nope.
Remember you used to call me a lightweight? Well by my third beer I’m a little floaty. This girl Tracy’s all over me too it’s like, Jesus Christ be more desperate? But then she’d be at this party naked, right. So anyway I guess I just kind of dance with her. But I get bored of that, and I shove her into somebody else’s arms, some blonde boy with a crew cut and a motorhead t-shirt, I’m sure they’ll get along. I was too fuzzy for her I think. Too fucked up.
Especially now. You know the only thing that sucks about you being a fucking bitch is that it’s at probably the worst time. I guess girls and boys aren’t supposed to be best friends and I guess best friends aren’t supposed to have “casual” sex but I don’t think any of those things are reasons for you to abandon me. And anyway the sex didn’t even start until things got all fucked up back last month, so maybe this is all your fault, maybe it’s all mine, and maybe it’s all Patrick’s fault, but I don’t think he meant for this to happen anyway, because he would have been pissed if he saw you doing coke in the first place, especially so much of it.
I also guess the reason I’m especially pissed is because you abandoned me and that wasn’t how it was supposed to happen because you’re fucked up and I’m not supposed to be.
Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true.
Reflexively I punch Jacob in the arm when I see him but he’s not the same either. We’re not even friends. Remember Jacob before all this? He was so rad. He’d just be like, yeah man I got the hook ups. And you could do anything with Jacob. He’s a shell now. This… Well, it’s a lot to ask from us to all be the same, fit into uniforms we wore before. That’s what you always said right? Except you yelled it at me.
Then you pinned me down to your bed sheets.
Well you know what? I don’t fucking care about your bed sheets and you can fuck as many STD infested jackasses as you want and I really don’t care.
I will just miss the feel of your stringy hair.
Also I will miss your mother’s tofu.
There are some kids sprawled out on a bench by the back door to Tammy’s house and I just go inside. And there’s her dog Jupiter barking like mad and there are some burnouts circled around in the living room getting Tammy’s cats stoned and laughing at the TV. And I used to hang out with all of them, before. I used to do a lot of things before.
You used to say, “Jackson, you have no fucking right to be as upset as any of us.”
I think that’s a bullshit thing to say but I never told you that because I figured you were probably right since you knew him better and he was your lover or something along those lines and it was never really clear to anybody and that was probably even harder because maybe you loved him.
I also wondered if you convinced yourself you loved him.
Anyway the point is it’s not my fault that Patrick killed himself but you acted like it was just because I was there. You said that because I was there, because I could have stopped him, I had no right to be upset. Which doesn’t really make sense thinking about it, because maybe I should be even more upset, especially because a lot of people really hated me and blamed me for a long time afterwards. And also because Patrick was one of my best friends too even though I never called him one of my best friends because I mean I’d just met him. But I really liked Patrick and I felt like if I could talk to anybody I could talk to him and it wouldn’t be like, some gay communication because Patrick was just really cool and knew that sometimes it’s hard… well sometimes everything’s hard. And I guess things were harder for Patrick.
I walk upstairs to Tammy’s room because I figure nobody’s in there but I’m wrong because there’s some naked chick sprawled out and she screams and starts laughing and goes “get outta here, Luke’ll kill you!”
But I have nowhere to go. Can you tell Luke that for me? I don’t want to watch or anything. I just have nowhere to go.
I never fucking have anywhere to go.
The thing I liked about Patrick was that, like, before whatever, he never called you emo or anything just for saying something angsty. He never bullshitted you for being upset. You always did that to me, but Patrick would never do that to anybody.
You suck. I want you to know that. You fucking suck. You really do.
Its like after he died you wanted to be really really close and then months later you’re blaming me for all this shit. Late reaction baby. And you ditch me for your new drugs and your new friends and your new clothes and you’re just disgusting.
But I miss you a little bit.
I don’t know why. I guess just because you were around for so long.
Like, when you have a really really shitty car that you’ve been driving for years. You get a new car but you still kind of miss the old one because of the memories you have with it and all the time you invested into it and the fact that for a while that was your car. You’d be so pissed if you heard me say that though. “You’re comparing me to a car?”
When I start laughing, Luke finally comes out of the bathroom and punches me in the face. He’s yelling something but I can’t hear him. I grab this handle of vodka I see lying in the hallway and I just walk back down to the noise of the party.
Because you’re gone and party noise has to replace your wild rants.
You push and you push. That’s what you do. I mean just like whatever whatever… I look down at this empty bottle and I feel kind of stupid. How do I row home? Trip trip
Ouch
Well anwya yfuck right kcause like who even carsedes its jstut like you suck.
Grabbing my shit just means zipping my pants up because I took a leak in the woods and for some reason I’m just really pissed so I ask Jacob if he could maybe row me home but if anything he’s in a worse state than I am so whatever I get in my little boat.
From here the world still looks beautiful.
My eyes are all blurry and I think I’m crying. I can’t even tell anymore. What’s crying. I wasn’t allowed to cry when Patrick died, was I? A lot of the times I just kind of ask myself why I hung out with you for so long even when you made me feel like I killed my best friend.
And I think it’s because for a while I thought I did kill him and I thought I deserved to be treated like that.
So I guess it’s a good thing you left because fuck you and fuck thinking like that.
I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. Well maybe I will. Maybe that’s a stupid thing to say. The power of positive thinking right? But it seems like the sky is so big and there’s so much room for variety and for something to just, come, and… fix it. And it doesn’t come to fix it but I guess that doesn’t mean it has to, I don’t think… well anyway what did the sky ever do? Well. Well.
God I’m just sick of feeling this way. And I get in front of your house and it’s just so easy to row up a little closer. And a little closer. Like old times, right? I see this white silhouette in the moon. That’s you. Pale. Pale. Paler in your little white sundress.
What are you on?
“HEY.” Did you hear me? Anyway it doesn’t matter I didn’t really want you to. I look down. Here I am. I’m just standing here.
“Hey?”
That’s what it feels like sometimes while I row out by your house on the water. It’s just a little island here and infinitesimally smaller when the light in your bedroom goes on. That’s the only place in the world and I’m outside in this little boat so so far away from you.
What didn’t help was last night.
In case you forgot, last night, you were lost to me. In a swirl of cocaine and mescaline, some beef-headed bros whisked you away. I watched the light glint off of you. Lost into the nnn-tss nnn-tss nnn-tss of that environment. I felt very sad to see you go.
You were gone, though. You’re still gone.
Anyway the phosphorescence in this water makes each movement glow. Last night you wore this sequin dress. Like the kind that looks kind of trashy on overly tan girls. But you didn’t go outside enough. You were always cold. You were always pale. And that dress hung off of you. And that’s the worst part, I watched you slumped over in that dress, wasting away in front of my eyes. Here you were disappearing, right in front of me. And I let you disappear. And I don’t know if that was the wrong thing to do.
Maybe you belong with them.
Well while I row up the river making metaphors for whoever you were before last night, while I row out to meet Tammy and her crowd, while I light a spliff and listen to crickets, I think about how you’re gone and I think about how that makes me feel.
Not too shitty.
Paper lanterns across the lake squint at me. Oh, Jackson? That’s you? Oh thank god. We thought it was Chris and then you’d just have to leave.
I feel the boat slip up against the wet sand with that thick sloshy noise and I just quiver. This party is so wrong. Why am I here? Why the fuck do I go anywhere anymore?
Tammy’s drunk.
“JACKSON!” Her fingernails are all over my shoulders in a second. She gives me this wet kiss on the cheek and ruffles my hair and asks what took me so long because Tracy wants to bang me and don’t I want to meet Tracy she’s smoking hot? I guess. I guess. I just stand there while Tammy slurs and looks around anxiously waiting for someone else to show up that she’s gotta talk to.
Then she goes “oh! There’s Mindy! See you later Jackson!” and I’m back to feeling like, why the fuck am I even here? You’re not here. I wish I could tell you about this though, well I mean before you started hanging out with those club fags, what I mean is, I wish I could tell old you about this new situation and then we could laugh and you’d pass me the tofu your mom made us and I’d pass you the piece and we’d just get along like old times.
Nope.
Remember you used to call me a lightweight? Well by my third beer I’m a little floaty. This girl Tracy’s all over me too it’s like, Jesus Christ be more desperate? But then she’d be at this party naked, right. So anyway I guess I just kind of dance with her. But I get bored of that, and I shove her into somebody else’s arms, some blonde boy with a crew cut and a motorhead t-shirt, I’m sure they’ll get along. I was too fuzzy for her I think. Too fucked up.
Especially now. You know the only thing that sucks about you being a fucking bitch is that it’s at probably the worst time. I guess girls and boys aren’t supposed to be best friends and I guess best friends aren’t supposed to have “casual” sex but I don’t think any of those things are reasons for you to abandon me. And anyway the sex didn’t even start until things got all fucked up back last month, so maybe this is all your fault, maybe it’s all mine, and maybe it’s all Patrick’s fault, but I don’t think he meant for this to happen anyway, because he would have been pissed if he saw you doing coke in the first place, especially so much of it.
I also guess the reason I’m especially pissed is because you abandoned me and that wasn’t how it was supposed to happen because you’re fucked up and I’m not supposed to be.
Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true.
Reflexively I punch Jacob in the arm when I see him but he’s not the same either. We’re not even friends. Remember Jacob before all this? He was so rad. He’d just be like, yeah man I got the hook ups. And you could do anything with Jacob. He’s a shell now. This… Well, it’s a lot to ask from us to all be the same, fit into uniforms we wore before. That’s what you always said right? Except you yelled it at me.
Then you pinned me down to your bed sheets.
Well you know what? I don’t fucking care about your bed sheets and you can fuck as many STD infested jackasses as you want and I really don’t care.
I will just miss the feel of your stringy hair.
Also I will miss your mother’s tofu.
There are some kids sprawled out on a bench by the back door to Tammy’s house and I just go inside. And there’s her dog Jupiter barking like mad and there are some burnouts circled around in the living room getting Tammy’s cats stoned and laughing at the TV. And I used to hang out with all of them, before. I used to do a lot of things before.
You used to say, “Jackson, you have no fucking right to be as upset as any of us.”
I think that’s a bullshit thing to say but I never told you that because I figured you were probably right since you knew him better and he was your lover or something along those lines and it was never really clear to anybody and that was probably even harder because maybe you loved him.
I also wondered if you convinced yourself you loved him.
Anyway the point is it’s not my fault that Patrick killed himself but you acted like it was just because I was there. You said that because I was there, because I could have stopped him, I had no right to be upset. Which doesn’t really make sense thinking about it, because maybe I should be even more upset, especially because a lot of people really hated me and blamed me for a long time afterwards. And also because Patrick was one of my best friends too even though I never called him one of my best friends because I mean I’d just met him. But I really liked Patrick and I felt like if I could talk to anybody I could talk to him and it wouldn’t be like, some gay communication because Patrick was just really cool and knew that sometimes it’s hard… well sometimes everything’s hard. And I guess things were harder for Patrick.
I walk upstairs to Tammy’s room because I figure nobody’s in there but I’m wrong because there’s some naked chick sprawled out and she screams and starts laughing and goes “get outta here, Luke’ll kill you!”
But I have nowhere to go. Can you tell Luke that for me? I don’t want to watch or anything. I just have nowhere to go.
I never fucking have anywhere to go.
The thing I liked about Patrick was that, like, before whatever, he never called you emo or anything just for saying something angsty. He never bullshitted you for being upset. You always did that to me, but Patrick would never do that to anybody.
You suck. I want you to know that. You fucking suck. You really do.
Its like after he died you wanted to be really really close and then months later you’re blaming me for all this shit. Late reaction baby. And you ditch me for your new drugs and your new friends and your new clothes and you’re just disgusting.
But I miss you a little bit.
I don’t know why. I guess just because you were around for so long.
Like, when you have a really really shitty car that you’ve been driving for years. You get a new car but you still kind of miss the old one because of the memories you have with it and all the time you invested into it and the fact that for a while that was your car. You’d be so pissed if you heard me say that though. “You’re comparing me to a car?”
When I start laughing, Luke finally comes out of the bathroom and punches me in the face. He’s yelling something but I can’t hear him. I grab this handle of vodka I see lying in the hallway and I just walk back down to the noise of the party.
Because you’re gone and party noise has to replace your wild rants.
You push and you push. That’s what you do. I mean just like whatever whatever… I look down at this empty bottle and I feel kind of stupid. How do I row home? Trip trip
Ouch
Well anwya yfuck right kcause like who even carsedes its jstut like you suck.
Grabbing my shit just means zipping my pants up because I took a leak in the woods and for some reason I’m just really pissed so I ask Jacob if he could maybe row me home but if anything he’s in a worse state than I am so whatever I get in my little boat.
From here the world still looks beautiful.
My eyes are all blurry and I think I’m crying. I can’t even tell anymore. What’s crying. I wasn’t allowed to cry when Patrick died, was I? A lot of the times I just kind of ask myself why I hung out with you for so long even when you made me feel like I killed my best friend.
And I think it’s because for a while I thought I did kill him and I thought I deserved to be treated like that.
So I guess it’s a good thing you left because fuck you and fuck thinking like that.
I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. Well maybe I will. Maybe that’s a stupid thing to say. The power of positive thinking right? But it seems like the sky is so big and there’s so much room for variety and for something to just, come, and… fix it. And it doesn’t come to fix it but I guess that doesn’t mean it has to, I don’t think… well anyway what did the sky ever do? Well. Well.
God I’m just sick of feeling this way. And I get in front of your house and it’s just so easy to row up a little closer. And a little closer. Like old times, right? I see this white silhouette in the moon. That’s you. Pale. Pale. Paler in your little white sundress.
What are you on?
“HEY.” Did you hear me? Anyway it doesn’t matter I didn’t really want you to. I look down. Here I am. I’m just standing here.
“Hey?”