Catharsis?
Writing is supposed to be cathartic...we'll just have to see.
I think college is the lonliest place on earth, at least for me. Everyone is competing with everyone else, the support people often give is supposed to be a temporary ego boost, which is, in fact, actually simple sycophantism. "Oh, that's SOOOOOO good!" God, it's like Teen Girl Squad. It's all bullshit. I haven't made the kind of friends I had hoped to. I don't know why. I don't have anyone here who I feel like I can call when I'm down, who I can randomly say, "Let's go get coffee," who is, by definition, a friend. I try to be a friend for anyone who needs one. It's just tiring when no one reciprocates. I am the kind of person who will drop everything for a friend. I never try and cut phone conversations short. I just want that in return. Case in point: This morning, a guy I know from home, from the Castle, who goes to DePaul, calls my phone at quarter of eleven, and announces that he and his girlfriend are downstairs and want a tour of the dorm. He hadn't told me he was coming by, he just showed up, waking me, and so I went downstairs, let him in, and gave him a 20 minute tour, and then talked to his gf, who wants to go here next year. This is on less than 4 hours of sleep. Then, I offer to show him around town at 4. He accepts. So I plan my afternoon around taking him and his gf into town, and he calls at 4:15, telling me that they've decided to go see a movie, and won't be able to make it. No thank you, nothing. I just want to make the kind of connections here that I have at home. The kind of friends who don't question, don't demand anything, just are there and are friends, no questions asked. No matter what. And yes, I acknowledge that I am really self-centered when I am here. I hate that about myself, and am trying to change it, but it's really really lonely otherwise. To the point where I don't know how long I could tolerate it. Lonliness sucks the life from a person.
As for the acting thing, I feel like I get repeatedly slapped in the face. I feel physically ill from the effort I put in and the response I get. I put all of myself into my performing here, and despite how many people tell me I'm good, or I'm perfect for a part, or anything, I'm not getting the acknowledgement I need--that of the directors. How can I be an actor if I'm not given the opportunity to act. And I hate that I can't gauge my auditions here. The ones that I think I bomb, I usually am right. The ones that I think I did really well on, I am wrong. I don't understand. I can have people who were working on a show tell me that I'm getting called back, and then not be. I can't do musical audtions for the life of me. My voice shuts down from the nerves. I can sing. Everyone who has heard me sing outside of auditions this year knows that my voice is BACK. Better than ever. I am thrilled, but if I can't make it work in auditions, then what is the point? It's a waste even to try. Plus, my shot at making Program this year has been destroyed by the fact that I didn't get Melissa as my voice teacher again. I am the only student she dropped, and I can't seem to get a straight answer as to why. The thing I loved more than anything else in the universe now is causing me nothing but pain. I feel like I am being devoured one limb at a time. I feel hollow and destroyed. I am tired of trying, but I know I will never stop. I look at the people around me, and I am the only one not doing a show. Luke has Laramie. Tim has his Moliere show. Mike has two shows. My brother has Laramie too. Me, I'm the theatre major. This is what I want to do with my life, or so I thought, but if the response I'm getting right now is any indicator, I am not only wasting everyone's time, but I should just quit now and get a "real" career. I am jealous of everyone around me, and becoming more and more embittered by the day. It's like the harder I try at anything, the more harder I fail. What a waste. I think everyone would be better off were I not here to waste their time. And tomorrow, I get to see my very harsh and scrutinizing family, get to endure their attacks of how I am not living up to my potential, how my cousin is doing so well in her polisci major, how she's going to study abroad, how she's made dean's list over and over, yet I, who have not yet had a grade below B+ in college, and only one of those, am wasting my time, money, and effort. I never will be good enough, no matter how hard I try. I'd probably be smarter just to drop out now. Quit wasting my father's hard-earned money that he could be spending on his children that matter. It's very clear to EVERYONE which of my father's children matter. It is also very clear that I am not one of those.
As for Luke, I'm starting to think that he definitely deserves better. Someone who is not going to be a waste of space. I love him, and because of that, I want him to be happy. No one in their right mind would want to be with someone like me. I don't deserve him. He should have someone wonderful and happy and beautiful and special who will have an outrageous amount of success in whatever it is that she chooses to do. I want him to be happy more than anything. He deserves someone who is THERE, who he can hold and who will make him as happy as he makes her. I don't think I ever could do that.
I came here this year wanting to make it work, meet people, be happy, be successful. I've been here two weeks now, and have already failed. I should quit wasting space.
I think college is the lonliest place on earth, at least for me. Everyone is competing with everyone else, the support people often give is supposed to be a temporary ego boost, which is, in fact, actually simple sycophantism. "Oh, that's SOOOOOO good!" God, it's like Teen Girl Squad. It's all bullshit. I haven't made the kind of friends I had hoped to. I don't know why. I don't have anyone here who I feel like I can call when I'm down, who I can randomly say, "Let's go get coffee," who is, by definition, a friend. I try to be a friend for anyone who needs one. It's just tiring when no one reciprocates. I am the kind of person who will drop everything for a friend. I never try and cut phone conversations short. I just want that in return. Case in point: This morning, a guy I know from home, from the Castle, who goes to DePaul, calls my phone at quarter of eleven, and announces that he and his girlfriend are downstairs and want a tour of the dorm. He hadn't told me he was coming by, he just showed up, waking me, and so I went downstairs, let him in, and gave him a 20 minute tour, and then talked to his gf, who wants to go here next year. This is on less than 4 hours of sleep. Then, I offer to show him around town at 4. He accepts. So I plan my afternoon around taking him and his gf into town, and he calls at 4:15, telling me that they've decided to go see a movie, and won't be able to make it. No thank you, nothing. I just want to make the kind of connections here that I have at home. The kind of friends who don't question, don't demand anything, just are there and are friends, no questions asked. No matter what. And yes, I acknowledge that I am really self-centered when I am here. I hate that about myself, and am trying to change it, but it's really really lonely otherwise. To the point where I don't know how long I could tolerate it. Lonliness sucks the life from a person.
As for the acting thing, I feel like I get repeatedly slapped in the face. I feel physically ill from the effort I put in and the response I get. I put all of myself into my performing here, and despite how many people tell me I'm good, or I'm perfect for a part, or anything, I'm not getting the acknowledgement I need--that of the directors. How can I be an actor if I'm not given the opportunity to act. And I hate that I can't gauge my auditions here. The ones that I think I bomb, I usually am right. The ones that I think I did really well on, I am wrong. I don't understand. I can have people who were working on a show tell me that I'm getting called back, and then not be. I can't do musical audtions for the life of me. My voice shuts down from the nerves. I can sing. Everyone who has heard me sing outside of auditions this year knows that my voice is BACK. Better than ever. I am thrilled, but if I can't make it work in auditions, then what is the point? It's a waste even to try. Plus, my shot at making Program this year has been destroyed by the fact that I didn't get Melissa as my voice teacher again. I am the only student she dropped, and I can't seem to get a straight answer as to why. The thing I loved more than anything else in the universe now is causing me nothing but pain. I feel like I am being devoured one limb at a time. I feel hollow and destroyed. I am tired of trying, but I know I will never stop. I look at the people around me, and I am the only one not doing a show. Luke has Laramie. Tim has his Moliere show. Mike has two shows. My brother has Laramie too. Me, I'm the theatre major. This is what I want to do with my life, or so I thought, but if the response I'm getting right now is any indicator, I am not only wasting everyone's time, but I should just quit now and get a "real" career. I am jealous of everyone around me, and becoming more and more embittered by the day. It's like the harder I try at anything, the more harder I fail. What a waste. I think everyone would be better off were I not here to waste their time. And tomorrow, I get to see my very harsh and scrutinizing family, get to endure their attacks of how I am not living up to my potential, how my cousin is doing so well in her polisci major, how she's going to study abroad, how she's made dean's list over and over, yet I, who have not yet had a grade below B+ in college, and only one of those, am wasting my time, money, and effort. I never will be good enough, no matter how hard I try. I'd probably be smarter just to drop out now. Quit wasting my father's hard-earned money that he could be spending on his children that matter. It's very clear to EVERYONE which of my father's children matter. It is also very clear that I am not one of those.
As for Luke, I'm starting to think that he definitely deserves better. Someone who is not going to be a waste of space. I love him, and because of that, I want him to be happy. No one in their right mind would want to be with someone like me. I don't deserve him. He should have someone wonderful and happy and beautiful and special who will have an outrageous amount of success in whatever it is that she chooses to do. I want him to be happy more than anything. He deserves someone who is THERE, who he can hold and who will make him as happy as he makes her. I don't think I ever could do that.
I came here this year wanting to make it work, meet people, be happy, be successful. I've been here two weeks now, and have already failed. I should quit wasting space.