Cycles
Saturday was Alicia's baby shower. Rosa had Cody James on Nov 6. There was another girl there with a 2 1/2 month old. Also on Saturday we found out that Doria, Becca's mom, died. Viewing is tomorrow, funeral the next day. The cycle of life and death. I'm shocked at Doria's death, and sad, because I really liked her.
However, it makes me think about how I'm kind of wasting my life. Becca and I were talking today about saving up some money and moving to NY in the spring or summer. We might actually do it, which makes me think about things again, because, see, I was thinking that I wished I had someone to celebrate the joy and tragedy of the life/death cycle with, but why bother if I might leave? Why bother if I don't want commitment right now and I don't know who or what or where I'll be in 6 months? Plus there's the whole Cryss issue, I don't know entirely where we stand. I mean, we aren't together, but I still care about him a lot. I might go out with someone if they ask me, but I don't think I'd really start anything. I don't know. I hate this whole life/death thing because it makes me think and analyze my life and I try not to do that too much. It's frustrating.
I want to love and be loved, but I'm afraid of commitment. My morals don't let me just screw guys and my nerves keep me from even flirting too much anyway, so it's not like those morals ever really get tested. Only in my mind.
What Kayla said to me once a month or so ago keeps bugging me - that "[she] and Katie like guys and guys like Elena." If this is even remotely true, it's just that guys find me more attractive, which is largely due to the fact that I'm skinny and serve them alcohol. And the last time I had a date was in, what, July? Hanging out with Vinnie and going shopping didn't count, as much as Jake and Kayla want it to. Hahahaha, maybe I should try to though, because then I don't have to worry about it going somewhere. His relationships rarely last more than 3 months, so it wouldn't be anything serious. My problem is that I can't have non-serious boyfriends. If I'm going to be with someone, it's probably going to last awhile. There doesn't seem to be a point in having a fling. But I want someone to take away the lonliness for a little while, just the illusion of affection. Nothing real. Real is too scary. "The girl is infectious human waste, and she's confused and afraid to commit to the wrong thing so she won't commit to anything. The girl in 8G has no faith in herself...and she's worried that as she grows older, she'll have fewer and fewer options." I am so Marla. "Ever since college, I make friends. They get married. I lose friends." Maybe I'm the narrator. "Don't call this love. Or Tyler. "What Marla loves, she says, is all the things that people love intensely and then dump an hour or a day after." I love how I get depressed and flip through Fight Club without even reading it, just picking out the lines that I or the previous owner have underlined. "It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." This isn't true because sometimes you're afraid of gaining something that will only be lost again.
Speaking of boyfriends, we really need to figure out a way to get rid of my sister's. He's whiny and annoying. I mean, she is too, often enough, but she could do way better than Steve.
However, it makes me think about how I'm kind of wasting my life. Becca and I were talking today about saving up some money and moving to NY in the spring or summer. We might actually do it, which makes me think about things again, because, see, I was thinking that I wished I had someone to celebrate the joy and tragedy of the life/death cycle with, but why bother if I might leave? Why bother if I don't want commitment right now and I don't know who or what or where I'll be in 6 months? Plus there's the whole Cryss issue, I don't know entirely where we stand. I mean, we aren't together, but I still care about him a lot. I might go out with someone if they ask me, but I don't think I'd really start anything. I don't know. I hate this whole life/death thing because it makes me think and analyze my life and I try not to do that too much. It's frustrating.
I want to love and be loved, but I'm afraid of commitment. My morals don't let me just screw guys and my nerves keep me from even flirting too much anyway, so it's not like those morals ever really get tested. Only in my mind.
What Kayla said to me once a month or so ago keeps bugging me - that "[she] and Katie like guys and guys like Elena." If this is even remotely true, it's just that guys find me more attractive, which is largely due to the fact that I'm skinny and serve them alcohol. And the last time I had a date was in, what, July? Hanging out with Vinnie and going shopping didn't count, as much as Jake and Kayla want it to. Hahahaha, maybe I should try to though, because then I don't have to worry about it going somewhere. His relationships rarely last more than 3 months, so it wouldn't be anything serious. My problem is that I can't have non-serious boyfriends. If I'm going to be with someone, it's probably going to last awhile. There doesn't seem to be a point in having a fling. But I want someone to take away the lonliness for a little while, just the illusion of affection. Nothing real. Real is too scary. "The girl is infectious human waste, and she's confused and afraid to commit to the wrong thing so she won't commit to anything. The girl in 8G has no faith in herself...and she's worried that as she grows older, she'll have fewer and fewer options." I am so Marla. "Ever since college, I make friends. They get married. I lose friends." Maybe I'm the narrator. "Don't call this love. Or Tyler. "What Marla loves, she says, is all the things that people love intensely and then dump an hour or a day after." I love how I get depressed and flip through Fight Club without even reading it, just picking out the lines that I or the previous owner have underlined. "It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." This isn't true because sometimes you're afraid of gaining something that will only be lost again.
Speaking of boyfriends, we really need to figure out a way to get rid of my sister's. He's whiny and annoying. I mean, she is too, often enough, but she could do way better than Steve.