36th session
One more day of work. If that asshole touches me one more time...he's going to lose his hand. I'm tired of it. He's been seling his books bac one at a time, I swear, and I could have the longest line, and he'll be in it. And god forbid I'm not behind the counter. The he stops touching my hand and arm and goes right for the ass. Hiyoshi, I hope your glare is as powerful as you say, because...I may snap. And not in the good way.
I need to get out of here. Maybe it's a good thing Atsushi and I are going home. I feel like I'm suffocating, somehow. But there will be time at home, time with 'Sushi, and...that will make things better.
Atsushi...I'll call you tomorrow with the information about going home. I'm not sure if it would be better to go Wednesday night or Thursday morning.
Actually, it feels more like drowning. With Atsushi, Gakuto, Kippei, Aki, An-chan, Ryou...I spend so much time worrying, so much energy...I forgot to hold anything back for myself. I keep telling myself I don't need to, though. They...have things, important ones. I can't burden them with anything of mine, and I can't stop being there for them.
I mean, fuck. Up until the other night, I was almost convinced Atsushi was going to leave me. And he's stil upset about it, still feeling guilty, and...I wish he wouldn't. It hurts more, seeing him hurt over this. The situation with...the other guy--I can't even type his name, how pathetic is that?--is stressing him, though. Frankly, I'm worried that his anemia is going to come back, reactivate, whatever it does. I need to be there for him. I need to show him that I am not leaving.
We're all right. He loves me. I believe him, and I trust in that. And I love him so much I know I'd die without him. But I can't help that small part of me that's sobbing inside, because he is this conflicted over someone else, that...this person has so much of a hold over him, I guess, as to have him this torn up. I wonder...do I have that same power? It's selfish and petty of me, but...Atsushi's jealous? I am, too! I'm jealous of this man because he's still got this hold on my love. I know he had a past, and I don't mind that. But...I'm still crying...I'm crying *now*, because it hurts. He can't know this. It'll pass, in time.
Aki, An-chan...they have almost the exact same probem, that I know of. And it came--and all our problems came--from not talking. From avoiding the issues that came up. And, connected to that...what the fuck is up with Kippei? I'm worried about him--it's been a *really* long time since he's pulled a retreat act like this--but at the same time, I'm so pissed off at him! He....
It's hurting Gakuto. I...he...I can almost literally *feel* it, not hard to do when you share living space with someone. And...I don't know what to do to help him. Or if he even wants anyone. Other than Kippei. Who is a moron.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe I just should. Might help with some of this stress.
I need to get out of here. Maybe it's a good thing Atsushi and I are going home. I feel like I'm suffocating, somehow. But there will be time at home, time with 'Sushi, and...that will make things better.
Atsushi...I'll call you tomorrow with the information about going home. I'm not sure if it would be better to go Wednesday night or Thursday morning.
Actually, it feels more like drowning. With Atsushi, Gakuto, Kippei, Aki, An-chan, Ryou...I spend so much time worrying, so much energy...I forgot to hold anything back for myself. I keep telling myself I don't need to, though. They...have things, important ones. I can't burden them with anything of mine, and I can't stop being there for them.
I mean, fuck. Up until the other night, I was almost convinced Atsushi was going to leave me. And he's stil upset about it, still feeling guilty, and...I wish he wouldn't. It hurts more, seeing him hurt over this. The situation with...the other guy--I can't even type his name, how pathetic is that?--is stressing him, though. Frankly, I'm worried that his anemia is going to come back, reactivate, whatever it does. I need to be there for him. I need to show him that I am not leaving.
We're all right. He loves me. I believe him, and I trust in that. And I love him so much I know I'd die without him. But I can't help that small part of me that's sobbing inside, because he is this conflicted over someone else, that...this person has so much of a hold over him, I guess, as to have him this torn up. I wonder...do I have that same power? It's selfish and petty of me, but...Atsushi's jealous? I am, too! I'm jealous of this man because he's still got this hold on my love. I know he had a past, and I don't mind that. But...I'm still crying...I'm crying *now*, because it hurts. He can't know this. It'll pass, in time.
Aki, An-chan...they have almost the exact same probem, that I know of. And it came--and all our problems came--from not talking. From avoiding the issues that came up. And, connected to that...what the fuck is up with Kippei? I'm worried about him--it's been a *really* long time since he's pulled a retreat act like this--but at the same time, I'm so pissed off at him! He....
It's hurting Gakuto. I...he...I can almost literally *feel* it, not hard to do when you share living space with someone. And...I don't know what to do to help him. Or if he even wants anyone. Other than Kippei. Who is a moron.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe I just should. Might help with some of this stress.