So I'm Fucked
Well.. Financially I'm totally screwed.
Between the money that I pretty much stole from UNM, the phone bill from July, and all the other little things that have come up I just don't have enough money. Oh, and the little trip down to ABQ set me back $400 that I definately didn't have then and I still don't have now.
I don't think I've ever been this boned in my life. I certainly do owe Jesse money, but I can take the high road when I can afford it. Everyone would drive a hybrid if they didn't cost so much god damned money right off the bat.
I owe the master of this new domain money because he's been letting me stay here free and that's real nice of him. I could cope with all the bills if...
If I don't go to Burning Man this year. And not going would break me I think. i know that spending that much money on a week in the desert to do drugs, drink, and look at amazing art seems really very silly and completely superfluous. Deep down inside, it's all I can really look forward to.
So what am I going to do?
I'm going to go to the food bank. I'm not going to buy decent tobacco. I'm only going to drink PBR. I'm going to fuck my credit. That's right, I'm going to get collections calls and I'm going to get a credit card for the road trip.
Is screwing myself financially for even longer term going to be worth it? Well, moving up here was pretty bad on the pocket book. I haven't recovered from it. I don't have a job that will let me recover from it. $8.75 an hour is not enough to pay the bills out here... or anywhere for that matter. I'm scraping. If the boys at the sandwich shop weren't such great people to me I'd starve.
I have no regrets. Misgivings indeed, but I just want to live and enjoy some of my youth. I've played at being an adult for too long, and now that I'm actually having to act like a grown up I have to make some very poor not-gtown-up-at-all decisions in order not to have a break down.
I have to screw myself again for the time being; I can't go back to ABQ. Not yet, not for a very long time. This is the only time in my awake life that I haven't really wanted to kill myself and that I've been really invested in the prospect of life.
I haven't let go of my punk rock yet, I'm just not willing to give into it yet. I can't get crushed yet.
After I get back from BRC I'm going to fully pursue a job on a cruise liner in any capacity that I can get one. I AM going to make more money and I AM going to get my shit together. There is no other option. I absolutely will pull myself out of this bullshit that's started raining down on my head because one dirty dread-lock hippy decided that I'm just too intense. I don't really care if it means stripping or selling out, I'm going to take care of myself. ...
With a little help from my friends, of course.
I might need to sober up though. I don't know when I've ever just drank like this. I don't generally crave a drink when I'm at work. I don't usually feel like staying up til four in the morning dancing to the talking heads and drinking wine. I don't usually start the day off with a beer. I'm repressing some things right now I think, but I don't have the strength to cope with all of that shit right now. I can't afford mentally or financially to have a breakdown. I'm not numb by any means, but I can cope right now. That's right, I'm boozing as a crutch and I just don't see the big deal about it.
God damn it, I'm 19. When the fuck do I get to be completely irresponsible? When I do I get to not worry about money and work and what they'll think of me tomorrow? I didn't get to have that during my stay with my parents, or at any point during my childhood. Fuck it. I'm a damn dumb young kid and I'm relieved to finally be acting like it.
"Make that money but don't let it cash you in"
Between the money that I pretty much stole from UNM, the phone bill from July, and all the other little things that have come up I just don't have enough money. Oh, and the little trip down to ABQ set me back $400 that I definately didn't have then and I still don't have now.
I don't think I've ever been this boned in my life. I certainly do owe Jesse money, but I can take the high road when I can afford it. Everyone would drive a hybrid if they didn't cost so much god damned money right off the bat.
I owe the master of this new domain money because he's been letting me stay here free and that's real nice of him. I could cope with all the bills if...
If I don't go to Burning Man this year. And not going would break me I think. i know that spending that much money on a week in the desert to do drugs, drink, and look at amazing art seems really very silly and completely superfluous. Deep down inside, it's all I can really look forward to.
So what am I going to do?
I'm going to go to the food bank. I'm not going to buy decent tobacco. I'm only going to drink PBR. I'm going to fuck my credit. That's right, I'm going to get collections calls and I'm going to get a credit card for the road trip.
Is screwing myself financially for even longer term going to be worth it? Well, moving up here was pretty bad on the pocket book. I haven't recovered from it. I don't have a job that will let me recover from it. $8.75 an hour is not enough to pay the bills out here... or anywhere for that matter. I'm scraping. If the boys at the sandwich shop weren't such great people to me I'd starve.
I have no regrets. Misgivings indeed, but I just want to live and enjoy some of my youth. I've played at being an adult for too long, and now that I'm actually having to act like a grown up I have to make some very poor not-gtown-up-at-all decisions in order not to have a break down.
I have to screw myself again for the time being; I can't go back to ABQ. Not yet, not for a very long time. This is the only time in my awake life that I haven't really wanted to kill myself and that I've been really invested in the prospect of life.
I haven't let go of my punk rock yet, I'm just not willing to give into it yet. I can't get crushed yet.
After I get back from BRC I'm going to fully pursue a job on a cruise liner in any capacity that I can get one. I AM going to make more money and I AM going to get my shit together. There is no other option. I absolutely will pull myself out of this bullshit that's started raining down on my head because one dirty dread-lock hippy decided that I'm just too intense. I don't really care if it means stripping or selling out, I'm going to take care of myself. ...
With a little help from my friends, of course.
I might need to sober up though. I don't know when I've ever just drank like this. I don't generally crave a drink when I'm at work. I don't usually feel like staying up til four in the morning dancing to the talking heads and drinking wine. I don't usually start the day off with a beer. I'm repressing some things right now I think, but I don't have the strength to cope with all of that shit right now. I can't afford mentally or financially to have a breakdown. I'm not numb by any means, but I can cope right now. That's right, I'm boozing as a crutch and I just don't see the big deal about it.
God damn it, I'm 19. When the fuck do I get to be completely irresponsible? When I do I get to not worry about money and work and what they'll think of me tomorrow? I didn't get to have that during my stay with my parents, or at any point during my childhood. Fuck it. I'm a damn dumb young kid and I'm relieved to finally be acting like it.
"Make that money but don't let it cash you in"