(no subject)
It's the start of the school year and I know this year is going to be great but for some reason there's some things in the back of my head now that are making it hard to take full advantage of this.
People keep asking me if I'm "ok" and a normal response is yeah I'm fine, but I guess if so many people have been noticing it I can be honest. I'm not really, not to a point to raise any concern, but to a point where last night I seriously put on my ipod on the new Last Kiss soundtrack and just cried for an hour. I'm not one to do that but I guess I had so much in my mind that I really needed to get it out of my system.
I've come to the conclusion that I will never be able to believe in God. I tried, I've been trying, and I still will, but my results yield nothing. The lyrics in my profile right now have a line "Will salvation only come if I fall?" and it got me thinking. I've fallen. A million times, some HUGE some small, none too catastrophic but in the past month some life-changing things have been happening (at home, friends, etc.) and it feels like these big changes, these big problems would bring me closer. This "falling" if you will should bring me to a position where I am vulnerable to understand this hope that the rest of you so easily aquired.
But it doesn't work. It hasn't worked. And it just makes me feel so empty. I spent 20 minutes yesterday thinking to myself, this can't be it, this can't be it! But then on the contrary I prefer not to believe that this is merely a test. I wish I could find some middle ground and stand there, but it seems like that place doesn't exist, or I've yet to find it.
What if this is it? What if I spend this time worrying and being anxious and die young? What about the things I can't predict, like my grandmother having a stroke and moving in. Or being so earth-shatteringly unhappy half of the time.
And what about THIS? This war in my mind between whats real and what I want to be real and what I need to be real. No one ever wins. And I don't want this to be it... I want to have some hope in me that maybe this is just all a test, maybe this is just NOTHING, maybe I'll be born again, ANYTHING!!
Most of you don't understand what nothingness really is, especially if you claim to be an atheist. I got that from Nate, he always says things about me not understanding what nothingness is, but I think I do now. I think I understand why this needs to be so much more then what it appears to be, and what it means if it isn't.
Well that's my welcoming to the school year, I'm happy with friends, classes, and practically anything else, except for the usual things... like not being able to compare to my friends and their achievements, talents, intelligence, etc. I wish I could, I do.
People keep asking me if I'm "ok" and a normal response is yeah I'm fine, but I guess if so many people have been noticing it I can be honest. I'm not really, not to a point to raise any concern, but to a point where last night I seriously put on my ipod on the new Last Kiss soundtrack and just cried for an hour. I'm not one to do that but I guess I had so much in my mind that I really needed to get it out of my system.
I've come to the conclusion that I will never be able to believe in God. I tried, I've been trying, and I still will, but my results yield nothing. The lyrics in my profile right now have a line "Will salvation only come if I fall?" and it got me thinking. I've fallen. A million times, some HUGE some small, none too catastrophic but in the past month some life-changing things have been happening (at home, friends, etc.) and it feels like these big changes, these big problems would bring me closer. This "falling" if you will should bring me to a position where I am vulnerable to understand this hope that the rest of you so easily aquired.
But it doesn't work. It hasn't worked. And it just makes me feel so empty. I spent 20 minutes yesterday thinking to myself, this can't be it, this can't be it! But then on the contrary I prefer not to believe that this is merely a test. I wish I could find some middle ground and stand there, but it seems like that place doesn't exist, or I've yet to find it.
What if this is it? What if I spend this time worrying and being anxious and die young? What about the things I can't predict, like my grandmother having a stroke and moving in. Or being so earth-shatteringly unhappy half of the time.
And what about THIS? This war in my mind between whats real and what I want to be real and what I need to be real. No one ever wins. And I don't want this to be it... I want to have some hope in me that maybe this is just all a test, maybe this is just NOTHING, maybe I'll be born again, ANYTHING!!
Most of you don't understand what nothingness really is, especially if you claim to be an atheist. I got that from Nate, he always says things about me not understanding what nothingness is, but I think I do now. I think I understand why this needs to be so much more then what it appears to be, and what it means if it isn't.
Well that's my welcoming to the school year, I'm happy with friends, classes, and practically anything else, except for the usual things... like not being able to compare to my friends and their achievements, talents, intelligence, etc. I wish I could, I do.