Wow
It's so bad this morning, doing nothing but sitting here at my desk, that I am going to take a Vicodin, for the first time in how long?? =( Yesterday when I left work at 3:30 to walk to the subway and get to my therapy appt. I honestly truly thought "I can't make it." I was in SUCH intense pain that I truly thought I was going to have to sit down in the middle of the nasty sidewalk because just to hold my weight up was nearly unbearable. I had tears running down my face by the time I finally got through the turnstyles of the subway, but I made it. Of course, then the subway was full but I squeezed in to the one empty seat on the train despite no one wanting to move so I could get to that seat.
Therapy yesterday evening was pretty intense, and for the first time EVER, we ran over quite a bit, I felt bad for the lady after me. I had no idea I went on that long. I felt like I arrived with a giant bag FULL of things, and the second the door closed, the bottom of that bag ripped open and everything just spilled out. Friendships, relationships, parenting, health, death, family, work, money - all the things stressing me out right now just flooded over me all at once. I don't tend to really CRY when I discuss things with my therapist - yes, tears overwhelm me at times, but I dont' out and out CRY, I never have, even discussing the ugliest things that have occurred in my life. Yeah...well, couldn't stop it yesterday. Lots and lots and lots to think through - and I think I'm going to call her to ask for another appt. fairly quick - the problem??? My fucking insurance. Again. They're limiting me and I had to fill out all sorts of paperwork yesterday to determine exactly how nuts I am and how many sessions they think they should pay for. *sigh*
One of the things I discussed was Kelsey and the issue I talked about yesterday - and yes, my daughter is, as I know, mirroring me. The difference is, and the only thing I can keep doing apparently, I am SEEING this happen, I am IDENTIFYING it for her, and I am TELLING HER IT IS WRONG. I have to keep doing this, and hope that eventually Kelsey can do it for herself. Labels are very important, according to my therapist - LABEL things like MANIPULATION when it happens, and eventually she'll start to see it for herself. Get this - apparently the relationships of young teen girls with one another are a precursor to these girls relationships with men in their future. I guess there's all sorts of studies out there that show this...she's going to get me some to read.
She's also suggesting that I follow up with my doctor about this pain, just in case, AND she wants me to look around for support groups for sufferers of chronic pain - a pain clinic of some sort.
You know, thinking about it - I don't remember her ever taking notes as frenetically as she did yesterday. My first appt. yes, but since then, she's never taken notes, let alone in such a flurry as yesterday.
I'm completely drained. I feel like I have no fight in me right now, because I've been doing nothing but slamming myself into a door over and over thinking "this time it'll open, this time i'll have the magic words" but I don't.
Therapy yesterday evening was pretty intense, and for the first time EVER, we ran over quite a bit, I felt bad for the lady after me. I had no idea I went on that long. I felt like I arrived with a giant bag FULL of things, and the second the door closed, the bottom of that bag ripped open and everything just spilled out. Friendships, relationships, parenting, health, death, family, work, money - all the things stressing me out right now just flooded over me all at once. I don't tend to really CRY when I discuss things with my therapist - yes, tears overwhelm me at times, but I dont' out and out CRY, I never have, even discussing the ugliest things that have occurred in my life. Yeah...well, couldn't stop it yesterday. Lots and lots and lots to think through - and I think I'm going to call her to ask for another appt. fairly quick - the problem??? My fucking insurance. Again. They're limiting me and I had to fill out all sorts of paperwork yesterday to determine exactly how nuts I am and how many sessions they think they should pay for. *sigh*
One of the things I discussed was Kelsey and the issue I talked about yesterday - and yes, my daughter is, as I know, mirroring me. The difference is, and the only thing I can keep doing apparently, I am SEEING this happen, I am IDENTIFYING it for her, and I am TELLING HER IT IS WRONG. I have to keep doing this, and hope that eventually Kelsey can do it for herself. Labels are very important, according to my therapist - LABEL things like MANIPULATION when it happens, and eventually she'll start to see it for herself. Get this - apparently the relationships of young teen girls with one another are a precursor to these girls relationships with men in their future. I guess there's all sorts of studies out there that show this...she's going to get me some to read.
She's also suggesting that I follow up with my doctor about this pain, just in case, AND she wants me to look around for support groups for sufferers of chronic pain - a pain clinic of some sort.
You know, thinking about it - I don't remember her ever taking notes as frenetically as she did yesterday. My first appt. yes, but since then, she's never taken notes, let alone in such a flurry as yesterday.
I'm completely drained. I feel like I have no fight in me right now, because I've been doing nothing but slamming myself into a door over and over thinking "this time it'll open, this time i'll have the magic words" but I don't.