The OCD thing
When people think OCD, what first comes to mind must be the Hollywood take on the subject. Its been made to look 'quirky' . Only second to Tourettes, OCD has been labled the funny uncontrollable anxiety disorder.
I dont mind this at all, in fact i think me and other people who suffer from it meet and greet the serious sides of OCD often enough each day, then to need to recieve it from friends and aquaintances too.. as long as it doesnt take away from peoples view on how serious the disorder can be.
My OCD can be very funny sometimes, even in the middle of devastation aspects of it are humerous even to me. I sufferd uncontrollable intrusive thought patterns around my untimely death for atleast 10 years. It bleed into every aspect of my life and due to that i never made any plans, never had any dreams or aspirations because this too was forbidden in my OCD riddled mind and venturing there would only cause my death to approach much faster "think about anything you want and its jinxed" and then you die. I had to count in order to try and have a 1UP year, everyday. I had to reach summs like 10-30 000 and this was by counting Punctuation and dotts over i's and other Scandinavian letters, i would alsow count 7 letter words which were awarded with a sertain amount of points which was equal to 10 which held special power, and 5 letter words..anyways long story short, I had to by subtracting and deviding reach the numbers of the upcomming next year say 2003, and count 2000 2001 2002 2003 say amen and do a funny little OCD ritual with my teeth which played out as me trying to position my jaw in various positions as to try and overlap in sertain painful ways and touch teeth that shuldnt touch, together... this brought inimaginable relief, both from the pain and the ackomplishment of being able to do all this everyday.
When this ended which it mostly has, 4 years ago when i was able to move on from this with the help of god really, something else grabbed me.
I would obsessively edge toothpicks inbetween teeth (have a favorite place of course) make it bleed and do another ritual with this destructive (self mutilatilating) obsession. This was to cause relief from other OCD rituals that botherd me more on a personal and human level, bad thoughts and so on. This wedging things between teeth to relieve anxiery is something i still struggle with from time to time. For many years this was the only way for me to relax, this is why i sometimes compare it to Cutting, i suppose it was my personal interpretation.
I still find it difficult to relax without this comping method, especially since i quit smoking but i make do and try my best. I find having a rubber band round my arm and snapping it when i feel the urge is too much, helps a lot. I used to suffer Trich too as a very very small child, to stop me from doing that, which i do from time to time still, as to not get bald patvhes i use hair from my brush and play with that.
My boyfriend is always complaining over all the hair of mine all over the house, i do loose hair im a natural blonde and we loose a lot a day, but i do pull some and well that is probably the biggest issues. Anyways its terribly embarrassing and itll be a hard discussion when i dare to have it.
"well yeah u know how i had trich as a child, u know how i used it to cope with th abuse as a kid, well i never really stopped"
gah tough!
I obsessivly and ritually count numbers on car registration plates and road signs, this is why itd probably be very bad for me to take my licence, i cannot today say i never will, i dont want to limit myself like that. One day i will be well enough to have a licence just not right now. I am only 'allowed' to count plates with 7 digits and they have a special power, again their worth 10 and well these days i dont have to reach 10 000, i usually find myself counting and go "what the hell are you doing" and i stop because i get fed up and bored with myself.
Im only allowed to count 7,10 and 5 letter words on road signs. The 5 letter words have a separate rule i can only count them if they evenly reach 10 or 20 not if they reach 15 or say 25. Its very intricate and i couldnt begin to explain half of it because it only makes sense to me. So the wierd stuff ill leave out
I have many OCD rituals, some of them dont even register they seem that much a part of me, the counting and the hair issue are things i know about because they are specifically diagnosed. I will try to identify more of my ocd rituals im curious myself. itll be a fun dive into general anxiety!
well another day...
