(no subject)
i hid my feelings so much in my last relationship, and i hated it. it was sheer hell. although matt was inconsiderate about our time together. i always got an i love you or a flower he picked. the physical time we spent together was great and we got along then. he never lost any passion or desire for me. but i constantly hid my disappointment and anger from him. we had our fair share of fights, but for the most part i held my tounge. i treated him so well and the way he treated me hurt like hell.
fast forward to nathan, i constantly express my feelings and they don't really matter to him. after matt i told myself i would not do that to myself again. i miss the way nathan was when we first started dating. it was so awesome. i was the most beautiful girl in the world to him, and we could hardly keep his hands off me. now he hardly ever does anything like that anymore. other than actually helping me out with rent and bills. i can't remember the last nice thing he's done for me. it does bother me, but how i feel doesn't matter to him, he says i'm stupid and i wear my heart on my sleeve. our relationship has always been ass backwards, like we lived together first then started living at home for financial reasons. we fought a lot more in the beginning than we do now. i just don't get him. i feel like i'm not good enough for him. i thought i understood him. everything was so much better when we lived at the apartment. he kissed me every night before we went to bed and always an i love you before work. i realize those are the great perks of living together, and those will come after i'm on my feet and able to get an apartment. also i could easily talk to him about things that bothered me and now they're not so much important to him as they are me. he also hates talking on the phone. so it makes it harder if i have a concern.
i've started walking halfway to portland and back every day. i'm hoping to god that maybe once i lose a little weight i'll be more desireable to him. i just feel so gross, because when we met i was 50 lbs lighter and going into the navy. i stayed for him, got on depo, and ballooned because of the hormones. now i feel like a cow. i'm so hoping that once i lose weight maybe i'll get some compliments from him. he's not the primary reason i want to lose weight. i got asked when i was due and it really sucks. it really hurt. i really want a smokin body. i want to walk by and have every guy turn his head.
why is it when he walks into a room my heart skips a beat?
why when i see him do i get butterflies?
why when my phone rings and his name pops up on the caller id do i still get excited?
why do i keep his picture by my bedside?
why do i have a bunny he gave me with his cologne on it?
if i have so many good feelings, how can i feel so crappy sometimes?
what happened to all the nice things he did when we first started dating.
where are the kisses?
where are the caressess?
where are the hugs and the wild nights of passion?
why doesn't he understand my need to hear his voice?
why doesn't he understand i need to breathe him in and taste him?
everything is so jumbled. i know i love him. i love him more and more everday. i miss him so much. things are so difficult and stressful right now. i think we just need to get through this rough patch we'll be fine. i'm having so many doubts right now and all i need is a little bit of certainty and sanity. all of this is a way to get my feelings out since i cannot do so with him. its just sad i can't talk to a real person. instead i type letters into a machine that feels nothing. *sigh*
kris
fast forward to nathan, i constantly express my feelings and they don't really matter to him. after matt i told myself i would not do that to myself again. i miss the way nathan was when we first started dating. it was so awesome. i was the most beautiful girl in the world to him, and we could hardly keep his hands off me. now he hardly ever does anything like that anymore. other than actually helping me out with rent and bills. i can't remember the last nice thing he's done for me. it does bother me, but how i feel doesn't matter to him, he says i'm stupid and i wear my heart on my sleeve. our relationship has always been ass backwards, like we lived together first then started living at home for financial reasons. we fought a lot more in the beginning than we do now. i just don't get him. i feel like i'm not good enough for him. i thought i understood him. everything was so much better when we lived at the apartment. he kissed me every night before we went to bed and always an i love you before work. i realize those are the great perks of living together, and those will come after i'm on my feet and able to get an apartment. also i could easily talk to him about things that bothered me and now they're not so much important to him as they are me. he also hates talking on the phone. so it makes it harder if i have a concern.
i've started walking halfway to portland and back every day. i'm hoping to god that maybe once i lose a little weight i'll be more desireable to him. i just feel so gross, because when we met i was 50 lbs lighter and going into the navy. i stayed for him, got on depo, and ballooned because of the hormones. now i feel like a cow. i'm so hoping that once i lose weight maybe i'll get some compliments from him. he's not the primary reason i want to lose weight. i got asked when i was due and it really sucks. it really hurt. i really want a smokin body. i want to walk by and have every guy turn his head.
why is it when he walks into a room my heart skips a beat?
why when i see him do i get butterflies?
why when my phone rings and his name pops up on the caller id do i still get excited?
why do i keep his picture by my bedside?
why do i have a bunny he gave me with his cologne on it?
if i have so many good feelings, how can i feel so crappy sometimes?
what happened to all the nice things he did when we first started dating.
where are the kisses?
where are the caressess?
where are the hugs and the wild nights of passion?
why doesn't he understand my need to hear his voice?
why doesn't he understand i need to breathe him in and taste him?
everything is so jumbled. i know i love him. i love him more and more everday. i miss him so much. things are so difficult and stressful right now. i think we just need to get through this rough patch we'll be fine. i'm having so many doubts right now and all i need is a little bit of certainty and sanity. all of this is a way to get my feelings out since i cannot do so with him. its just sad i can't talk to a real person. instead i type letters into a machine that feels nothing. *sigh*
kris