Of all the people to not have abandoned their Livejournals over the course of their lives, I'm glad it was you. :)
I think I have this compulsive worry that if I let a problem in a relationship fester it could end the relationship. That's probably why I'm still friends with a number of people from way back in my past, and also why some of my friends say I'm actually too forgiving of some people.
As for changing, I think that I (I'm not sure if this is universal, but it seems possible) tend to want to see myself as Person A evolved into Person B. When I see things that haven't really been improved upon or that remind me of my eighteen year old self, it's hard for me to remember that maybe other things have moved on in the meantime, emotionally/intellectually/morally.
And as for the morality issue, I think it's similar to the above. I think I expect myself to be a certain person wholly and completely, even though it's ridiculous and impossible. I forgive other people for "flip-flopping" a little, but I am frustrated that I do. I think sometimes I surround myself with people of a certain caliber because I think of them as the best of the best, and since I don't see their inner workings (or consider the times they're not exactly the best of the best) I am constantly measuring myself to them and failing.
Well, some problems in relationships can ruin them. And it is always better to deal with those problems. Remember that time when I e-mailed you that crazy rant with all the caps-locking? Yeah, that would have been major bad news. And clearly this has worked for you, if you've maintained friendships for so very long. But too forgiving? *shakes head. Too forgiving is...hard to pin down. I feel like to a certain extent, you have to define that for yourself. It's your life, after all. You're the one who decides what's too much, what's over the line. I suppose the problem is, some people have such skewed views of the world they can't tell. But I don't think you're one of those people. I remember my sister used to tell me I was too nice. Maybe I was, then. I did have a very skewed worldview. But I am a nice person. I am nice, and generous, and forgiving. And that's my choice. Nobody else gets to tell me I'm too anything. Or you.
Maybe lots of people do. I've started thinking about it more like...I'm not sure there's a metaphor for it. I can't think of one. But it's like the underlying structure stays the same, and only what you build on top of it changes. Granted, that can change a lot. But it's still built on the same foundations. It's like the bones of your face. You can gain weight or lose it, get scars or tattoos, glasses or contacts, you grow old and get wrinkles and age spots...and underneath it's still your face. The point is...I'm not sure what the point is. Actually, I am, I'm just not sure it's the right point. The point is, there is nothing wrong with your face, or with you. You sound as if you get angry at yourself for who you were, and sometimes for who you are. Don't do it. Making yourself better is always a great goal, but you don't have to be angry at yourself for who you were, or who you are. You're so forgiving? Try it on yourself.
Also, I am the world's biggest hypocrite, because I am totally harder on myself than I am on everyone around me. However. Do as I say, not as I sometimes do. I used to get so angry at myself, for...not being a different person in high school. And then I just...realized that I was a different person in high school, and that was okay, and I was actually doing fairly well with what I had. (Me in high school was a huge improvement over me in middle school. I am not always okay with any of this, particularly when I'm forcibly reminded of what I was like back then, but I do try.) I bet your eighteen-year-old self wasn't all so bad, either. You may beg to differ - but I won't believe you.
As for morality, caliber, etc, three words: like attracts like. Think about what you think of your friends, and then think about that for a while.
I am an awesome and badass person, even when I am writing ridiculously long LJ comments. And you are also an awesome and badass person. Remember that.
At this point I'm thinking you should really get yourself a self-help book deal. :)
I really appreciate the time and effort (as evidenced by length alone!) you've put into your responses. Long, thoughtful responses, at least for me, are always more appreciated than "Yeah, that sucks." Although, come to think of it, I've been chastised by people before for always thinking things need fixing/explaining rather than just commiserating with them. So I suppose that proves your point - like attracts like.
I'd argue my younger self with you but I'm sure we'd end in some vague undefinable stalemate, so let's just say I was likely in between what we both think I was back then.
I don't know if I'm angry with who I was. There is a part of me that really enjoyed the person I was - well, the aspects of who I was that I think were a little too free-wheeling and "immoral." Maybe that's the problem. I am frustrated with not being more angry and frustrated with the person I was. Of course, that's not true about everything - there are things I did that were undeniably stupid and I have tried to, if not rid myself of that, at least minimize it. But overall I guess this conversation has really hit upon the previous point mentioned above - I'm angry I'm not more angry.
Without getting into specifics, let's just say that while I had/have certain rules I myself adhere to, I do not find that I have much trouble with someone else doing something that would violate those rules, or our society's idea of acceptable behavior. If they are upset they're violating them then I'll try to help them, but if they're okay with what they're doing, I'm okay with it - even helping them do it.
And no, I'm not talking about any rapes or murders or Ponzi schemes or anything like that. Nothing that serious.
I hope I'm being somewhat coherent, though I feel I'm probably not. Regardless, I really appreciate your responses. :)
I think I have this compulsive worry that if I let a problem in a relationship fester it could end the relationship. That's probably why I'm still friends with a number of people from way back in my past, and also why some of my friends say I'm actually too forgiving of some people.
As for changing, I think that I (I'm not sure if this is universal, but it seems possible) tend to want to see myself as Person A evolved into Person B. When I see things that haven't really been improved upon or that remind me of my eighteen year old self, it's hard for me to remember that maybe other things have moved on in the meantime, emotionally/intellectually/morally.
And as for the morality issue, I think it's similar to the above. I think I expect myself to be a certain person wholly and completely, even though it's ridiculous and impossible. I forgive other people for "flip-flopping" a little, but I am frustrated that I do. I think sometimes I surround myself with people of a certain caliber because I think of them as the best of the best, and since I don't see their inner workings (or consider the times they're not exactly the best of the best) I am constantly measuring myself to them and failing.
Reply
Well, some problems in relationships can ruin them. And it is always better to deal with those problems. Remember that time when I e-mailed you that crazy rant with all the caps-locking? Yeah, that would have been major bad news. And clearly this has worked for you, if you've maintained friendships for so very long. But too forgiving? *shakes head. Too forgiving is...hard to pin down. I feel like to a certain extent, you have to define that for yourself. It's your life, after all. You're the one who decides what's too much, what's over the line. I suppose the problem is, some people have such skewed views of the world they can't tell. But I don't think you're one of those people. I remember my sister used to tell me I was too nice. Maybe I was, then. I did have a very skewed worldview. But I am a nice person. I am nice, and generous, and forgiving. And that's my choice. Nobody else gets to tell me I'm too anything. Or you.
Maybe lots of people do. I've started thinking about it more like...I'm not sure there's a metaphor for it. I can't think of one. But it's like the underlying structure stays the same, and only what you build on top of it changes. Granted, that can change a lot. But it's still built on the same foundations. It's like the bones of your face. You can gain weight or lose it, get scars or tattoos, glasses or contacts, you grow old and get wrinkles and age spots...and underneath it's still your face. The point is...I'm not sure what the point is. Actually, I am, I'm just not sure it's the right point. The point is, there is nothing wrong with your face, or with you. You sound as if you get angry at yourself for who you were, and sometimes for who you are. Don't do it. Making yourself better is always a great goal, but you don't have to be angry at yourself for who you were, or who you are. You're so forgiving? Try it on yourself.
Also, I am the world's biggest hypocrite, because I am totally harder on myself than I am on everyone around me. However. Do as I say, not as I sometimes do. I used to get so angry at myself, for...not being a different person in high school. And then I just...realized that I was a different person in high school, and that was okay, and I was actually doing fairly well with what I had. (Me in high school was a huge improvement over me in middle school. I am not always okay with any of this, particularly when I'm forcibly reminded of what I was like back then, but I do try.) I bet your eighteen-year-old self wasn't all so bad, either. You may beg to differ - but I won't believe you.
As for morality, caliber, etc, three words: like attracts like. Think about what you think of your friends, and then think about that for a while.
I am an awesome and badass person, even when I am writing ridiculously long LJ comments. And you are also an awesome and badass person. Remember that.
Reply
I really appreciate the time and effort (as evidenced by length alone!) you've put into your responses. Long, thoughtful responses, at least for me, are always more appreciated than "Yeah, that sucks." Although, come to think of it, I've been chastised by people before for always thinking things need fixing/explaining rather than just commiserating with them. So I suppose that proves your point - like attracts like.
I'd argue my younger self with you but I'm sure we'd end in some vague undefinable stalemate, so let's just say I was likely in between what we both think I was back then.
I don't know if I'm angry with who I was. There is a part of me that really enjoyed the person I was - well, the aspects of who I was that I think were a little too free-wheeling and "immoral." Maybe that's the problem. I am frustrated with not being more angry and frustrated with the person I was. Of course, that's not true about everything - there are things I did that were undeniably stupid and I have tried to, if not rid myself of that, at least minimize it. But overall I guess this conversation has really hit upon the previous point mentioned above - I'm angry I'm not more angry.
Without getting into specifics, let's just say that while I had/have certain rules I myself adhere to, I do not find that I have much trouble with someone else doing something that would violate those rules, or our society's idea of acceptable behavior. If they are upset they're violating them then I'll try to help them, but if they're okay with what they're doing, I'm okay with it - even helping them do it.
And no, I'm not talking about any rapes or murders or Ponzi schemes or anything like that. Nothing that serious.
I hope I'm being somewhat coherent, though I feel I'm probably not. Regardless, I really appreciate your responses. :)
Reply
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