Alexander minific #5

[pseudy]

Title: Alone (1/2)
Author: pseudonihilist
Fandom: Alexander the Great
Pairing: Alexander/Hephaistion, Alexander/Bagoas implied
Rating: PG
Summary: After Alexander forces Hephaistion to renounce his quarrel with Eumenes on pain of death, they meet in Hephaistion’s tent to discuss things.
A/N: Based on Mary Renault’s account of events in her excellent novel, The

Comments

[pink_pants]

wow. you kill me, you really do. this is getting to the heart of it all without pulling some contrivance out of it to make it all "better." that's one of the things i most hate: a desire to whitewash the badness/mistakes/monster-side out of relationships/personality. We're not looking at a perfect picture of either of them; Hephaistion is a gaping maw of need, Alexander is unable to understand how to relate to others as an equal - ultimately he's 'just a man', right? their relationship here is full of that really uneven power dynamic which is always so deliciously exciting. i think they are both uncomfortable/unsure with when and how to wield the power they both have over the other. and that leads to this whole kerfuffle, and his lack of surety when going to Hephaisition is really telling, since he's barely ever presented that way in the Renault-verse.

it's so sad. when you are really sure of someone there is not this need to be shown that you are the most loved. Alexander had the power there, and he tries to use the love given to him as a weapon, though with how much self-awareness, we can't know. it's ironic tho, because Hephaistion does have some consciousness of the power that he holds over Alexander, with the threats to leave and all. so he knows, but he's not sure. "In my mind, I know. It is my heart that doubts. and also there's something implicit in the relationship which Alexander is never unsure of. That Hephaistion would never leave is almost a surity. He does a good job, here, tho, of reminding Alexander of what he could have had, that he's spent time thinking about it, wanting it?

Of course I fully identify with Hephaistion. Alexander is like, well - he doesn't really know what it's like being a person who is in love with him. He doesn't get it with Bagaos either, y'know. He doesn't get it with his mother or his father. He knows he is loved, but he doesn't really understand what that means, the carelessness of ignoring it, the pain. you could think of it as megalomania, but he's far too generous and sincerely loving of others for it to be that. but still, the blinders, or the willfull ignorance of the specificity of what is needed from him, rather than the general "i love you more than anyone."

But he also holds the self-imposed weight of the world on his shoulders, is everything to so many in his life.

What I'm trying to say, of course, is that your vision of this scene matches so perfectly with my interpretation of the dynamics. it makes me explode with inspiration and excitement, and all o' that. i really do hope you continue on with it. how do they get back to a place where this was all pre-verbal? do they ever? do they ever have makeup sex? (fade to black, of course...:-))

i hope you are doing okay, little miss pseudy. i miss your velma icons. you are so quiet...it makes me think you are up to something! plotting something. hmm!

[pseudonihilist]

wow. you understand these characters so completely, so comprehensively - your reading of renault so intuitive and insightful - everytime i read feedback from you you show me something new about renault's characters, the situations in which they find themselves, and just relationships in general, of any kind, that it's really like reading a very good fanfic. i mean, i find this comment so incredibly educational - and maybe it's no wonder i feel so much trepidation in posting, because if someone like you is interested in this pairing, someone so intelligent and insightful, who's thought about these characters - if not very MUCH, then certainly very WELL, it makes it all the more difficult to feel like i could possibly be writing something that would appeal.

which is a long way of saying that the fact that you enjoyed this piece really elates me. i wrote it for you, i want to reiterate that, and if you hadn't liked it (you would be honest, right?) it would have been, simply, tragic.

anyway, i learn from you and your comments, i really do. thanks for reading and commenting, as always - it really means a lot to me :)

and if i'm quiet it is unfortunately not because i'm planning anything, but because i'm skipping work to sleep all day and mope in a darkened room, during these beautiful summer days. *sigh* ;)

[pink_pants]

well, indeedy, you made my day with this story, your comments, not to mention having an actual story dedicated to me which is shocking and so cool, and makes me get all haughty and think i'm neato etc. etc!!!

i love this stuff so much. so much! and i'm glad you're willing to play in the sandbox with me a little.

KISSYFACE.

Now, being a depressive myself i know the feeling of contemplating the ceiling or the navel too often, for too long. Treat yerself good, realnihilist, treat yourself to a rereading of the Hoot/Tood series from start to finish, all kabillion chapters of it. Or, heck, a sour pickle might make you feel better, as it just did for me... snap crunch yum. remember, it's hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world. !!!

::sings you dolly parton songs::