In Her Shoes
wow amazing book. I cried so many times. and not just from the book it made me think of so many things. and I dont know this weekend in general has just given me time to think.
about what i dont know but I havent done much. anything really. some homework a little over an hour at the rec. talk to craig eat and bathe. not very exciting or interesting.
not the lifestyle of a college student hours away from parental supervision in a big campus full of opportunities.
I just dont know. I dont feel like anything. there are people and then there is me. i can't explain it. when i'm with people its great and fun but when im not im detached and see the the differences between us. I am not a personable person I guess you might say.
It's okay. I was just thinking though. about school. life love loss. I miss my grandma. I miss our little apartment and the smell of smoke. I always stunk. my clothes werer always wrinkled. my haircuts always bad. and i miss it.
things change to fast for me. i say that all the time i hate change but i am always wating for the change to come hoping they will change into something that i feel comfortable with. I always think anything is better than this. and when anything comes I am at a loss. waiting for the next anything to come.
is that how my life is going to be. one change after another never feeling it no experiences just a passing of time. something has to change. but inside of me. I dont know what it is though.
i look at other people and see them happy there lives they have problems fears hopes dreams. why do i get so worked up. because they can seem happy and go on and i am stuck in a rut. a deep hole of misery and self pity. no not self pity. just misery.
So I am 18 my birthday is in about two months and it will be just another day. nothing special no family, no friends, no boyfriend. me and school a chemistry exam a three hour lab. lucky me. and then i thought about it.
what about when i get married. it won't be like other people. no parties or happy families. no cameras and dresses bridesmades and strippers. Things just seem to work for other people. even people that look lost and helpless are happy with friends that understand them. people who care that feel just like them. other guys in glasses with pimples and bad oufits. girls with hair thats to long. pants that come up to high. horizontal striped shirts and big brown shoes.
then there is me. and i fit no where. it amuses me sometimes. but when i think about things in my life where things come so natural to other people. i just see me. alone.
i feel sorry for craig. what is he getting in to. why would he want to be with me. i'm not like him. i dont like things he does. we have nothing in common. what is he doing with me. how could i make him happy. im pathetic.
and lisa's wedding is coming up. and i feel sorry for him that i am going. like i will prevent him from having fun. from dancing and drinking and smoking. whats wrong with me. it is supposed to be you fall in love you find yourself and everything falls into place. not you feel even more complicated. like you might complicate someone else. maybe i shouldnt go. he could dance with other people. lord knows i can't. he won't have to worry about smoking infront of me. or if i am drinking to much. or if he is not talking to me enough. why do i bother.
about what i dont know but I havent done much. anything really. some homework a little over an hour at the rec. talk to craig eat and bathe. not very exciting or interesting.
not the lifestyle of a college student hours away from parental supervision in a big campus full of opportunities.
I just dont know. I dont feel like anything. there are people and then there is me. i can't explain it. when i'm with people its great and fun but when im not im detached and see the the differences between us. I am not a personable person I guess you might say.
It's okay. I was just thinking though. about school. life love loss. I miss my grandma. I miss our little apartment and the smell of smoke. I always stunk. my clothes werer always wrinkled. my haircuts always bad. and i miss it.
things change to fast for me. i say that all the time i hate change but i am always wating for the change to come hoping they will change into something that i feel comfortable with. I always think anything is better than this. and when anything comes I am at a loss. waiting for the next anything to come.
is that how my life is going to be. one change after another never feeling it no experiences just a passing of time. something has to change. but inside of me. I dont know what it is though.
i look at other people and see them happy there lives they have problems fears hopes dreams. why do i get so worked up. because they can seem happy and go on and i am stuck in a rut. a deep hole of misery and self pity. no not self pity. just misery.
So I am 18 my birthday is in about two months and it will be just another day. nothing special no family, no friends, no boyfriend. me and school a chemistry exam a three hour lab. lucky me. and then i thought about it.
what about when i get married. it won't be like other people. no parties or happy families. no cameras and dresses bridesmades and strippers. Things just seem to work for other people. even people that look lost and helpless are happy with friends that understand them. people who care that feel just like them. other guys in glasses with pimples and bad oufits. girls with hair thats to long. pants that come up to high. horizontal striped shirts and big brown shoes.
then there is me. and i fit no where. it amuses me sometimes. but when i think about things in my life where things come so natural to other people. i just see me. alone.
i feel sorry for craig. what is he getting in to. why would he want to be with me. i'm not like him. i dont like things he does. we have nothing in common. what is he doing with me. how could i make him happy. im pathetic.
and lisa's wedding is coming up. and i feel sorry for him that i am going. like i will prevent him from having fun. from dancing and drinking and smoking. whats wrong with me. it is supposed to be you fall in love you find yourself and everything falls into place. not you feel even more complicated. like you might complicate someone else. maybe i shouldnt go. he could dance with other people. lord knows i can't. he won't have to worry about smoking infront of me. or if i am drinking to much. or if he is not talking to me enough. why do i bother.