i would wish for time machines.

[pseudostar]

i can feel it welling up inside of me again. i'll be moving right along quite content at the mediocrity of my existence and perhaps even happy, and then something happens. anything can trigger it. a phone call, a text message, a forgotten song and it's like the last six months never happened. i'll sit in my living room finding myself waiting on a whisper of a conversation for someone who cares enough about me to not want to damage me further. and it's not like it's one solitary person either if that's what you're thinking. it appears that anyone who i let get close enough to me to realize how incredibly broken to pieces i let myself become before i decided to pick myself back up again hightails it the other direction with promises of "there's someone out there for you, just not me, you deserve the someone you're looking for, just not me".

and im getting frustrated ok? i don't want to be that girl anymore. im trying so hard to not be that girl anymore. i go out when i don't want to with people i don't know very well so i'm not that girl anymore. i run out to frisbee even if im too tired to think because i don't want to be that girl anymore. i picked up that paintbrush again so it would stop me from being that girl.

but i'm still sitting here, writing in this livejournal aren't i? so what has really changed? nothing.

i'm just getting older.