The ghost of Christmas *whatever*
I can't believe my last update was that long ago. Wow. I also can't believe that I've learned so little in all that time. At the beginning of this year I was still stuck in that same place. What has sobriety taught me? That I need to relax and have a few beers. lol
Seriously, I get so frustrated and I bottle up all this anger and hatred towards things and people and when I think I'm about to explode I don't. The best I've felt in a long time was last night. Hanging out with Adam and Nicole (His roommate, not my Ex,) and talking about Transvestites and Drag Queens and Gays and stuff... I got mad at him 'cause he said he couldn't be friends with a Drag Queen, odd that I should get mad at a gay friend for being prejudice. So I turned it around, what if it had been one of my straight friends? Well, I would have been pissed, but I guess less disappointed. Either way, I'm disappointed in him a lot. He's still one of my closest friends, and still on my list of people I would Die or Kill for. Maybe that's why I like him so much. When you meet him, you think you just totally read him, cover to cover. It turns out that you wouldn't be all that mistaken except for some really important things that really matter in the end. I pretended I was going to commit suicide and he jumped out of the car and scratched his knee. Did anyone question me about my motives? No, they all laughed at him for jumping out of the car. Really? It wasn't moving, and I had a gun to my head... I guess I can see why he'd jump out, no good reason to have your friends brains splattered on you while being grilled by the cops, plus that would have made a traumatizing event, that much more so. But, what would any of my other close friends have done? Probably laugh, it's the truth. I've had so many failed suicide attempts that it's realy kind of a running joke now. That's why I love Adam, we still surprise each other, even though you can learn 90% of who we are in 2 days, the other 10% is an uphill battle. I think I'm going to fall off the wagon today. Hope I don't stay gone long.
I guess maybe I should do a quick sanity check. Tiffany, so samie same that I can't believe I thought our relationship would be different "This time around". Lynnzie, Seems cooler then before, understands her role as Alpha Male and allows me to be Alpha female... Still, I hate being away from Payge so much, but she seems to be pretty good for Payge despite all the things I ever hated about Lynnzie. Chris Has 1 and 3/4 testicles, 4 kids and watches coal get dumped onto trains for work. Why does his life seem to keep getting sweeter? Everyone else... ghah, so boring. Seriously, it's no wonder I have a hard time with females in my life 'cause they have like one track minds. Marriage, breed. There's only 1 cool chick in my life now, and she's getting divorced, and really, we seem to be growing apart as her life gets more exciting. What are the odds?
Which brings me to my last point. Maybe I drank because life seemed so dull and meaningless. I've had to "Accept" people into my "Friends" circle 'cause I couldn't rightfully not call them "Just someone I know, who I enjoy talking to and visiting a lot" but really, when I'm feeling really down now, instead of grabbing a bottle, I reach out for people. I find very few people who are worth the time or effort to talk to. Some people I enjoy listening to, and some I enjoy speaking at, and some I can have a good conversation with. Of course they have other things to do, other people to see, significant others to attend to. Fuck all that... It makes me feel as though I'm missing a significant other in my life, but really... where would I find someone so fascinating that I could actually just hang out with them and not care if they made sense or not, and just goof around with... aside from the select few people I've already befriended, which happen to be mostly males, and how do you go from making fun of people to making out and having sex? Am I going to be lonely for the rest of my life? Probably, but not because I don't have a mate, but because it's really hard to find interesting people.
*Magical new paragraph*
You use to be able to pick them out in a crowd. The weird looking one, the one who didn't seem to be having any fun, the ones who stood out by doing what everyone else was doing, but differently. Now everyone is a "Hipster" everyone is "Different" has "Their own style". Labels killed fun. Punk rock became so popular it wore itself out and is now spoon fed to us because you can't be different anymore without being labeled. Downfall of the logical mind. Everything has to fit into a category, stamped and sorted, I sit on a shelf, I wait, I type, I think, I read, I feel, I want to scream, and I open my mouth push all the air out of my lungs and without a sound continue to wait.
Seriously, I get so frustrated and I bottle up all this anger and hatred towards things and people and when I think I'm about to explode I don't. The best I've felt in a long time was last night. Hanging out with Adam and Nicole (His roommate, not my Ex,) and talking about Transvestites and Drag Queens and Gays and stuff... I got mad at him 'cause he said he couldn't be friends with a Drag Queen, odd that I should get mad at a gay friend for being prejudice. So I turned it around, what if it had been one of my straight friends? Well, I would have been pissed, but I guess less disappointed. Either way, I'm disappointed in him a lot. He's still one of my closest friends, and still on my list of people I would Die or Kill for. Maybe that's why I like him so much. When you meet him, you think you just totally read him, cover to cover. It turns out that you wouldn't be all that mistaken except for some really important things that really matter in the end. I pretended I was going to commit suicide and he jumped out of the car and scratched his knee. Did anyone question me about my motives? No, they all laughed at him for jumping out of the car. Really? It wasn't moving, and I had a gun to my head... I guess I can see why he'd jump out, no good reason to have your friends brains splattered on you while being grilled by the cops, plus that would have made a traumatizing event, that much more so. But, what would any of my other close friends have done? Probably laugh, it's the truth. I've had so many failed suicide attempts that it's realy kind of a running joke now. That's why I love Adam, we still surprise each other, even though you can learn 90% of who we are in 2 days, the other 10% is an uphill battle. I think I'm going to fall off the wagon today. Hope I don't stay gone long.
I guess maybe I should do a quick sanity check. Tiffany, so samie same that I can't believe I thought our relationship would be different "This time around". Lynnzie, Seems cooler then before, understands her role as Alpha Male and allows me to be Alpha female... Still, I hate being away from Payge so much, but she seems to be pretty good for Payge despite all the things I ever hated about Lynnzie. Chris Has 1 and 3/4 testicles, 4 kids and watches coal get dumped onto trains for work. Why does his life seem to keep getting sweeter? Everyone else... ghah, so boring. Seriously, it's no wonder I have a hard time with females in my life 'cause they have like one track minds. Marriage, breed. There's only 1 cool chick in my life now, and she's getting divorced, and really, we seem to be growing apart as her life gets more exciting. What are the odds?
Which brings me to my last point. Maybe I drank because life seemed so dull and meaningless. I've had to "Accept" people into my "Friends" circle 'cause I couldn't rightfully not call them "Just someone I know, who I enjoy talking to and visiting a lot" but really, when I'm feeling really down now, instead of grabbing a bottle, I reach out for people. I find very few people who are worth the time or effort to talk to. Some people I enjoy listening to, and some I enjoy speaking at, and some I can have a good conversation with. Of course they have other things to do, other people to see, significant others to attend to. Fuck all that... It makes me feel as though I'm missing a significant other in my life, but really... where would I find someone so fascinating that I could actually just hang out with them and not care if they made sense or not, and just goof around with... aside from the select few people I've already befriended, which happen to be mostly males, and how do you go from making fun of people to making out and having sex? Am I going to be lonely for the rest of my life? Probably, but not because I don't have a mate, but because it's really hard to find interesting people.
*Magical new paragraph*
You use to be able to pick them out in a crowd. The weird looking one, the one who didn't seem to be having any fun, the ones who stood out by doing what everyone else was doing, but differently. Now everyone is a "Hipster" everyone is "Different" has "Their own style". Labels killed fun. Punk rock became so popular it wore itself out and is now spoon fed to us because you can't be different anymore without being labeled. Downfall of the logical mind. Everything has to fit into a category, stamped and sorted, I sit on a shelf, I wait, I type, I think, I read, I feel, I want to scream, and I open my mouth push all the air out of my lungs and without a sound continue to wait.