Of all the things I've loved and lost I miss my Mouse the most.
It's been for ever since I've last updated, and it's kind of odd 'cause it's the times where SO MUCH is happening that you update the least.
First off, my dreams have been horrible since I tried to stop drinking, and I'm not sure how I can both not want to sleep, yet sleep at the same time, but that's what's been going on.
Heather's been coming back into my dreams, why? Not sure. I'm very happy in my current relationship, so the only thing that I can think of is the fact that the relationship that I had with Heather was fine, but I'M the one who completely borked it all up. Which means that no matter how happy I am now, subconsiously I'm going to start fucking it up because I'm afraid of what I could lose if I have everything I want and have nothing else to strive for. I scare myself with thoughts like this... Too often... I'm torn between running away from everything and being happy. I probobly get the saddest when I'm at my happiest because that's when I fear the most lose, yet I'm at my happiest when I'm at my worst because I fear no loss. My father was very right when he told me that he didn't know anyone who was as "Alive" as me, because with every passing moment I try to live in it, yet I feel dead sometimes because I try not to be emotional, yet I can feel everything and shrug it off if I wanted to. I can laugh at just about everything... and there is rarely a time where I can not find humor, trying to make other people understand takes time.
How can I care so much, yet be so careless and carefree??? How cam these thoughts exist while I contimplate the reality of Elvis and James Dean?! JAMES DEAN!!! "What are you rebelling against?" "What'cha got?" roflol I'm a 'Rebal without a clue', I'm a heart on sleeve bearing child of a rebalious times, yet I do not hate nor wish I was anywhere else.
If I had been born 30 years earlier what would I have done? What would I have known? As it is I have struggled for music, yet have beenbe taught computers. The only thing stopping me from falling on my face IS my knowledge of things that SCARE other people. I didn't ask for my understand of computers, I didn't ASK for my in depth knowledge of archaic systems or processes. I asked not for any technical related skills, yet I was born with this understanding.
... because of the way I was built I will for ever be a techie, even though I will always TRY to be a musician, and my suffering will be that I am better at what I would gladly give up than that which I would rather suffer a thousand deaths than lose.
First off, my dreams have been horrible since I tried to stop drinking, and I'm not sure how I can both not want to sleep, yet sleep at the same time, but that's what's been going on.
Heather's been coming back into my dreams, why? Not sure. I'm very happy in my current relationship, so the only thing that I can think of is the fact that the relationship that I had with Heather was fine, but I'M the one who completely borked it all up. Which means that no matter how happy I am now, subconsiously I'm going to start fucking it up because I'm afraid of what I could lose if I have everything I want and have nothing else to strive for. I scare myself with thoughts like this... Too often... I'm torn between running away from everything and being happy. I probobly get the saddest when I'm at my happiest because that's when I fear the most lose, yet I'm at my happiest when I'm at my worst because I fear no loss. My father was very right when he told me that he didn't know anyone who was as "Alive" as me, because with every passing moment I try to live in it, yet I feel dead sometimes because I try not to be emotional, yet I can feel everything and shrug it off if I wanted to. I can laugh at just about everything... and there is rarely a time where I can not find humor, trying to make other people understand takes time.
How can I care so much, yet be so careless and carefree??? How cam these thoughts exist while I contimplate the reality of Elvis and James Dean?! JAMES DEAN!!! "What are you rebelling against?" "What'cha got?" roflol I'm a 'Rebal without a clue', I'm a heart on sleeve bearing child of a rebalious times, yet I do not hate nor wish I was anywhere else.
If I had been born 30 years earlier what would I have done? What would I have known? As it is I have struggled for music, yet have beenbe taught computers. The only thing stopping me from falling on my face IS my knowledge of things that SCARE other people. I didn't ask for my understand of computers, I didn't ASK for my in depth knowledge of archaic systems or processes. I asked not for any technical related skills, yet I was born with this understanding.
... because of the way I was built I will for ever be a techie, even though I will always TRY to be a musician, and my suffering will be that I am better at what I would gladly give up than that which I would rather suffer a thousand deaths than lose.