A Transition (Warning: rambling self conceit ahead)
On thursday I went to the CCQN quiz night at uni, and saw a few familiar faces. In and amongst the awful jokes, negotiating answers with obstinate team members and fighting for reason; I realised something pretty critical.
I don't belong there anymore.
This realisation, that I'm finished with uni should probably have happened a while ago, but in true (human?) fashion it doesn't really hit you when you shake the hand of the Dean and accept your degree. In this regard, going to the quiz night was a huge step; I am not a student.
And I am okay with that.
In another fashion, the quiz night was an awful experience. (This, of course, is no reflection on the actual evening - you did a fantastic job lemouse ). Firstly, my Ex was there and his current squeeze. Call me shallow, but he doesn't seem to aimed particularly high. I'm sure I'm not alone in noticing that some people tend to repeat the same sentence in a conversation in that insistent, self-assured way with no regard of the course of the conversation. Credit where credit is due, the boy smiled the whole way through the evening and was affectionate to my Ex, so perhaps thats fine for them.
Its not, though, something I particularly wanted to spend my evening across from. Bitchy and self-centred as that may sound, its true. Perhaps its not so much bitchiness as it is a lessening of respect for everyone involved (myself included) - which i can appreciate sounds pretty damning.
In addition to this there was a somewhat older person at the table who also seemed to have missed a few of life's precious social lessons, particularly those involving teamwork and general politeness. By all means, be assertive but also pay attention to other people around you. Especially when someone offers to pass you the paper instead of you invading their personal space.
My god, these are trivial infringements, I suspect, magnified through the lens of the fact that I have nothing left in common with anyone at that night (lemouse and a certain amiable zoologist being clear exceptions). Hell, I have more in common with the vast majority of highschool people than I do with this lot.
Lets be clear on one thing, I may not have much left in common with them, but I do hold a lot of affection for a few.
What makes me feel worse is that people told me that they missed me. (Also that there are problems with QD now that I've left - if that isn't an ego trip I don't know what it is. Wait, yes I do, its awful. I heard about an incident where a couple of the regulars behaved in a particularly un-safespace way to a fresher (which compounds the incident into the realm of 'completely unacceptable))
Back on topic, people missed me, but I don't feel the same connection I once did with them. I do believe this disconnection is mutual with the small number of people I know remaining. Was our only real connection the Room? Is the QD room the glue?
Maybe I'm just unhappy that I didn't get to see Toby that evening? (I really ought to meet up with him sometime)
Maybe this severance with university truly means a severance from a lot of people who I once believed I was close to (ok, just to be absolutely clear; if you can read this this statement excludes you; also, the zoologist).
Its a little scary that I believe this is likely, and also that I'm okay with this.
What's even more scary is the idea that the Room was a social crutch and now I'm on my own.
We won first prize at the quiz night; I walked away with a bottle of wine. I'm begining to believe that might be a small mercy.
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