life......happens.
depression is taking over my life. for no reason. and it upsets me. that im so upset. lately....things have just been...going. not going well..just going. and in like..20 days...i will be 16...which should be like...the best thing ever..but it wont be...cuz i still wont have a boyfriend...and i will still be the way i look. of course everything else will be swell..because..i am me on the inside. actually you know what...its ok for that to be upsetting because ill be 16 and without anybody that is of the opposite sex that thinks that i am even remotely amazing. its kind of unfair when people around me are all happy and in love..and im sitting here like....dont i deserve it? like what else do i have to do to find any person at all. like...im more okay with myself than like...a lot of other people who have somebody. i know i dont often let people in...but theres really nobody besides my bffs that i feel like i can really connect with...or would connect with if i were to let them into my life. maybe i need to like...go to a bigger town? or be more outgoing...? i dont know. but thats the point....im not outgoing.....i cant just be something that im not. and as much as id like to believe that things would be different in a bigger town where theres more of a selection....im sure that they wouldnt be. i dont know what to do anymore. i really dont actually. and ive said it before....and have tried to change before...but now its come down to the point where time is just passing as i watch my life pass me by. and i hate that point. and i hate that its come to that point.....more than i hate the fact that i dont fit in any dress because of my fricking god damn god damn huge chest that is disgusting. and ive become content with this life that i lead.....where i drink too much and dont believe in much of anything...i lie to myself..and say its for the best.
but in the end
id still like to change it
so much
that it hurts.
but in the end
id still like to change it
so much
that it hurts.