(no subject)

[pseudo1]

i just got home from the disastrous catillion. i've let down steph yet again, i feel like shit. i would have been better not going at all. i couldn't take being near nicole, i just couldn't. i totally forgot she was going to be there. i had a good time for the first hour and a half, but then nicole showed up. i didn't think i would care so much, but it killed me. i'm used to her cold shoulder in music theory by now, but this was just completely different. i can't even explain it. i just felt like shit and everyone knows we're on bad terms and i had to leave. i left without saying anything to steph and took a drive for about a half an hour. i did not think i would be noticed missing. i always had the intention of coming back. a small walk through the parking lot turned into a drive up and down hylan. i was really having fun until she got there. i was surprised myself. i was talking with all of steph's friends, enjoying myself. steve and jodi came a little later. it was going fine. but then i just cracked and i can't feel worse about it. anyway, after my drive i came back and everyone was wondering where i was and steph was clearly pissed at me, understandably. i just don't think sometimes, i knew i was going to come back, but how could she? i just left without saying a word. i tried to recover for the lost time and have fun, but i couldn't. i still felt terrible, so i called steph over and told her what i was going through and that i had to leave. she said she understood and isn't mad, i really hope she means it. i think she realizes that this was out of her control and understands what i was feeling. i mean, i got a haircut for this thing just for her, so she knows i wasn't looking for just any little excuse to get out of there, i was there for her.
i can't do the ignoring thing. i just can't. i can't deal with it with tami, i can't deal with it with nicole. once things go bad i can't be around that person. i can't do it in math with tami and i couldn't do it tonight. i flee like a scared gazelle. i think it has to do with the fact that i still like these people. if someone does something hurtful to me, then i can deal. but when its supposedly my fault and i can't make things better i lose it.
agh, my day was actually good before this, but i can't recall it now. i'll write it some other time.
oh yeah, the fast i did. some other time.