lets protect someone.
well, i'm in a very uncensored emotional venting mood. so lets do it.
...
im back in the city. i had a painful flight from oregon, and i got into newark and took the bus into manhattan, felt way sick, then took a cab to my dorm. pretty much i woke up at 5am pst and got to my dorm at 5pm est. it was a bitch of a trip, and im on the last leg of an annoying head cold, so i had to deal with that on top of everything. so i finally get all my shit to my room, and i remember that ian moved out. so i enter the room and realize how much shit was ACTUALLY IANS that we dont have anymore. lol, like the tv, and the microwave, and other things of that sort, so that sucks. also the heat in my room is currently way inadequate. so its pretty freezing inside....its better now, but it was damn near painful last night. also, i enter the room and have to meet our new suitemate. jim. thank god he is nice and a seemingly good guy, or else i wouldve cried. i hate getting new roommates. but he seems nice and is friendly and shit. hopefully that'll be kept up. then, since i was still on crazy west coast time, i took a shower at like 330am. the most wonderful ive ever taken, might i add. it was so warm and amazing and the best ever. so then i went to bed at like 4.
so today i woke up at like 1. and went to tisch and signed up to audition for a show. then i went shopping cos i havent been shopping in a while and i deserve it. anyway, i couldnt find what i really wanted which was a light pink oxford. so i ended up going to the diesel denim gallery and buying a pair of jeans. so i did that. and then i came home. and made pasta. and here i sit at 730pm. and i can pretty much predict the rest of my evening. ill sit here in my room and listen to music and be annoyed that all my friends are being lame.
...
plus allyn. ugh. lets just say that im starting wish id never took the dive and started talking with her and getting to know her. because she has been a bit disappointing lately. now, its perfectly fine if she doesnt want to hang out me and is like 'yea whatever i dunno i dont really think youre fun' or whatever. but at least deal with it like an adult. whatever thats not even it, maybe this will articulate my thoughts for accurately: im getting the feeling that the only reason she talked to me so much over break was out of convenience and because no one else talked to her or whatever. which is way lame. i feel like i was kinda used for her entertainment. and plus she is way wishy washy, like, a week ago she was like 'god i cant wait to hang out with you once we get back in the city' and blah 'we're gonna have so much fun'.......needless to say, she seems quite the opposite of that now. and for no real reason. she didnt return one of my phone calls and then i talked to her yesterday and she was just distant and like 'oh um blah blah'..anyway. it makes me upset. cos i would much rather her explain herself, then just try to slowly phase me out for no apparent reason. its just weird. way weird. and im not someone who likes NOT KNOWING. whatever the case may be. i hate when people arent straight. and i hate when ppl are like 'ya i am so no bullshit' but then they are totally all talk and do something that is SUCH bullshit, like this. cos i know that if i confronted her about it, she wouldnt own it, and she'd just be like 'what? i have been acting normal'...which is bullshit. ugh. this whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. jesus. well i guess thats all i have to say about that right now. i welcome comments. please, tell me what you think rachmaclizmegan and whoever else might be randomly reading this.
the thing is... i hate it when people "sorta" put in an effort--you know? when people are there for you at their convenience? like there's a chance that a better offer might turn up...so they hold you off until everything falls through and you are their last resort? im just tryin to live my life like everyone else. I want to be accepted and loved just like you. i guess thats how i feel about the whole allyn thing.
im just upset. and im even more upset that i have to be upset when im coming back to school. this is just such a bad way to start off the semester. it makes me so mad. ew. EW.
...
i have one or two really cool ideas for my poetry project. so im excited for that. 'hooray' or something. whatever, im gonna kick its ass. fuck you everyone. anyway, its still far from where it needs to be. so thats a bit intimidating. lol but whatever, ill pull it off. i always do. except one day, i know that i wont pull it off. and that day is gonna suck.
...
im waiting for someone to save the day. but im starting to worry that no one can.
...
we accept the love we think we deserve.
"i know new york, i need new york, i know i need unique new york"
...
im back in the city. i had a painful flight from oregon, and i got into newark and took the bus into manhattan, felt way sick, then took a cab to my dorm. pretty much i woke up at 5am pst and got to my dorm at 5pm est. it was a bitch of a trip, and im on the last leg of an annoying head cold, so i had to deal with that on top of everything. so i finally get all my shit to my room, and i remember that ian moved out. so i enter the room and realize how much shit was ACTUALLY IANS that we dont have anymore. lol, like the tv, and the microwave, and other things of that sort, so that sucks. also the heat in my room is currently way inadequate. so its pretty freezing inside....its better now, but it was damn near painful last night. also, i enter the room and have to meet our new suitemate. jim. thank god he is nice and a seemingly good guy, or else i wouldve cried. i hate getting new roommates. but he seems nice and is friendly and shit. hopefully that'll be kept up. then, since i was still on crazy west coast time, i took a shower at like 330am. the most wonderful ive ever taken, might i add. it was so warm and amazing and the best ever. so then i went to bed at like 4.
so today i woke up at like 1. and went to tisch and signed up to audition for a show. then i went shopping cos i havent been shopping in a while and i deserve it. anyway, i couldnt find what i really wanted which was a light pink oxford. so i ended up going to the diesel denim gallery and buying a pair of jeans. so i did that. and then i came home. and made pasta. and here i sit at 730pm. and i can pretty much predict the rest of my evening. ill sit here in my room and listen to music and be annoyed that all my friends are being lame.
...
plus allyn. ugh. lets just say that im starting wish id never took the dive and started talking with her and getting to know her. because she has been a bit disappointing lately. now, its perfectly fine if she doesnt want to hang out me and is like 'yea whatever i dunno i dont really think youre fun' or whatever. but at least deal with it like an adult. whatever thats not even it, maybe this will articulate my thoughts for accurately: im getting the feeling that the only reason she talked to me so much over break was out of convenience and because no one else talked to her or whatever. which is way lame. i feel like i was kinda used for her entertainment. and plus she is way wishy washy, like, a week ago she was like 'god i cant wait to hang out with you once we get back in the city' and blah 'we're gonna have so much fun'.......needless to say, she seems quite the opposite of that now. and for no real reason. she didnt return one of my phone calls and then i talked to her yesterday and she was just distant and like 'oh um blah blah'..anyway. it makes me upset. cos i would much rather her explain herself, then just try to slowly phase me out for no apparent reason. its just weird. way weird. and im not someone who likes NOT KNOWING. whatever the case may be. i hate when people arent straight. and i hate when ppl are like 'ya i am so no bullshit' but then they are totally all talk and do something that is SUCH bullshit, like this. cos i know that if i confronted her about it, she wouldnt own it, and she'd just be like 'what? i have been acting normal'...which is bullshit. ugh. this whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. jesus. well i guess thats all i have to say about that right now. i welcome comments. please, tell me what you think rachmaclizmegan and whoever else might be randomly reading this.
the thing is... i hate it when people "sorta" put in an effort--you know? when people are there for you at their convenience? like there's a chance that a better offer might turn up...so they hold you off until everything falls through and you are their last resort? im just tryin to live my life like everyone else. I want to be accepted and loved just like you. i guess thats how i feel about the whole allyn thing.
im just upset. and im even more upset that i have to be upset when im coming back to school. this is just such a bad way to start off the semester. it makes me so mad. ew. EW.
...
i have one or two really cool ideas for my poetry project. so im excited for that. 'hooray' or something. whatever, im gonna kick its ass. fuck you everyone. anyway, its still far from where it needs to be. so thats a bit intimidating. lol but whatever, ill pull it off. i always do. except one day, i know that i wont pull it off. and that day is gonna suck.
...
im waiting for someone to save the day. but im starting to worry that no one can.
...
we accept the love we think we deserve.
"i know new york, i need new york, i know i need unique new york"