better the devil you know than the devil you dont
last night i ran into an old acquaintance from high school at the most random venue. okay so i was at the casino again, but thats not important. from afar i was staring at this girl who was staring back at me, and i couldnt help but wonder if i had met this girl previously. i pretend to mind my own business and stare aimlessly around me to find the right opportunity to look back again. trying to be inconspicuous, i turn back around only now to find her waving at me frantically from afar. at the risk of not looking like a fool and waving back immediately just in case she wasnt directing her greeting to me, i had a dumbfounded look on my face pretending to be squinting over in her direction as if i was blind. i finally realized that it was who i thought it was and i was amazed at how random this occurrence really was.
i finished my business and walked over to her in which she immediately gave me a big hug. surprised i hugged back not really knowing what to make of such a kind gesture from someone who ive considered a stranger for almost eight years now. the background behind this person is simple. she was the connecting link between myself and my first ever boyfriend. so she played a significant role in playing the middle man between two shy, gay high schoolers who were too manly to ever express feelings of love and emotion to one another. she became the quintessential fag hag for the both of us as she played cupid.
seeing as how i have never been in a relationship with a guy before, let alone anyone, i proceeded with caution as to how i would approach this burgeoning connection. it also didnt hurt that i thought this guy was the sweetest piece of eye candy that i had ever laid my eyes on. let me just say that he pretty much set the standard for the guys that i have dated after him. i dont really like to place certain criteria for the guys that im attracted to, but i am a sucker for bald headed guys with chinky looking eyes.
anyways, catching up with this girl last night was really interesting. she updated me on her life and what she has been up to. a part of me got the feeling that she is the kind of person to over exaggerate just a little bit to keep up with the jones' if you know what i mean. it was obvious that this girl had gone nowhere in life and that she pretty much found herself to be exactly where she was five years ago with nothing but a high school diploma to show for all her efforts. i wasnt necessarily looking down upon her but it was just easy to see through her whole charade of "im this" and "im that" when really she has nothing to show for it. i bring this up because i totally could have been her five years ago. i felt out of place in my college and i thought i couldnt amount to nothing more than my high school diploma. she was my mirror. that could have been me if i decided not to pursue higher education.
dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with the lifestyle that she is leading for herself right now. different strokes for different folks you know. i just realized last night that if i hadnt pushed myself harder during those times where i felt helpless than i might not be as fierce and fabulous as i am right now. now i know thats saying a lot, but im kinda glad that i just didnt just settle for less and rest on my laurels then. because i definitely have a lot more opportunities with this college degree to do a lot more than i ever would have been able to do with just a measly high school diploma. that and i feel that college has made me such a better writer and has really improved my vocabulary. because i was reading some old journal entries, and man was that some garbage. it was real, but it was real garbage. ha!
i couldnt resist myself and ask her what my exboyfriend was up to. actually it was she who had insinuated that conversation first at her mention of her only going to las vegas once a year to visit him. that was a stretch but she somehow found a way to bring him into the conversation even though i was nowhere even close to leaning in that direction. so i obliged and asked her how he was doing. she said that he was now living in las vegas with his high school diploma and working as a manager for a money lending corporation. i guess if you were to work for a company like that the most ideal place to do it in is in las vegas. i feigned a really half hearted enthusiastic smile on my face and from that reaction she knew i wasnt really impressed. we are just in two totally different worlds right now. maybe im just too posh, but im definitely happy at where i currently am at the moment.
to elaborate on that really quickly. i remember in middle school i would always be labeled as the rich kid. mind you i came from a really poor neighborhood and was probably in the same financial standing as the majority of my class or maybe even worse off. and we were only allowed to wear black and white uniforms in middle school. i wore the same school issued uniform as everyone else but i was still labeled as the rich boy by my peers and pretty much everyone who ever knew me. i guess ive always come off as posh to everyone that i have encountered in my life. ive just been able to embrace a different sense of self that was way beyond my years as a youth growing up in the ghetto. i envisioned bigger and grander things for myself. and i think the gay gene totally kicked in and made me more sensible in making fashionable decisions in life. i was the only one to order the cardigan in my class. which was utterly useless because wearing and owning a cardigan in san diego is so ridiculous. but it was me and i wanted it. i was posh like that even at such a young age. and i really would not accept anything less for myself.
and with that i end another really long entry. i just thought it was amazing to see someone who i hadnt seen in such a long time and see how different our lives were. it inspired me to write this and reflect back on myself and where i currently am in my life right now. i dont feel bad for being just simply who i really have been since i could ever remember. these days its difficult to be posh without people thinking that youre too intimidating or too good for anyone. some people even go as far as hating on you for having such an impressive lifestyle. theres just way too much negativity out there already, but to hate on someone for simply having their own high standards in life is just insane. but people hate for a reason and its because they always hate on the things that they cant have in their own lives. its hard to find the balance between being relatable and just being able to have some standards in your life. but for now, ive learned that the best way to live your life is to do exactly that. live your own life without having to compromise yourself and other peoples selves. if people are assholes in real life then let them be assholes. obviously they can sleep better at night knowing that they are assholes. as for me, i can sleep better knowing that one day those assholes are going to one day spit shine my shoes. haha maybe not, but thats what gets me to have the sweetest dreams.
i finished my business and walked over to her in which she immediately gave me a big hug. surprised i hugged back not really knowing what to make of such a kind gesture from someone who ive considered a stranger for almost eight years now. the background behind this person is simple. she was the connecting link between myself and my first ever boyfriend. so she played a significant role in playing the middle man between two shy, gay high schoolers who were too manly to ever express feelings of love and emotion to one another. she became the quintessential fag hag for the both of us as she played cupid.
seeing as how i have never been in a relationship with a guy before, let alone anyone, i proceeded with caution as to how i would approach this burgeoning connection. it also didnt hurt that i thought this guy was the sweetest piece of eye candy that i had ever laid my eyes on. let me just say that he pretty much set the standard for the guys that i have dated after him. i dont really like to place certain criteria for the guys that im attracted to, but i am a sucker for bald headed guys with chinky looking eyes.
anyways, catching up with this girl last night was really interesting. she updated me on her life and what she has been up to. a part of me got the feeling that she is the kind of person to over exaggerate just a little bit to keep up with the jones' if you know what i mean. it was obvious that this girl had gone nowhere in life and that she pretty much found herself to be exactly where she was five years ago with nothing but a high school diploma to show for all her efforts. i wasnt necessarily looking down upon her but it was just easy to see through her whole charade of "im this" and "im that" when really she has nothing to show for it. i bring this up because i totally could have been her five years ago. i felt out of place in my college and i thought i couldnt amount to nothing more than my high school diploma. she was my mirror. that could have been me if i decided not to pursue higher education.
dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with the lifestyle that she is leading for herself right now. different strokes for different folks you know. i just realized last night that if i hadnt pushed myself harder during those times where i felt helpless than i might not be as fierce and fabulous as i am right now. now i know thats saying a lot, but im kinda glad that i just didnt just settle for less and rest on my laurels then. because i definitely have a lot more opportunities with this college degree to do a lot more than i ever would have been able to do with just a measly high school diploma. that and i feel that college has made me such a better writer and has really improved my vocabulary. because i was reading some old journal entries, and man was that some garbage. it was real, but it was real garbage. ha!
i couldnt resist myself and ask her what my exboyfriend was up to. actually it was she who had insinuated that conversation first at her mention of her only going to las vegas once a year to visit him. that was a stretch but she somehow found a way to bring him into the conversation even though i was nowhere even close to leaning in that direction. so i obliged and asked her how he was doing. she said that he was now living in las vegas with his high school diploma and working as a manager for a money lending corporation. i guess if you were to work for a company like that the most ideal place to do it in is in las vegas. i feigned a really half hearted enthusiastic smile on my face and from that reaction she knew i wasnt really impressed. we are just in two totally different worlds right now. maybe im just too posh, but im definitely happy at where i currently am at the moment.
to elaborate on that really quickly. i remember in middle school i would always be labeled as the rich kid. mind you i came from a really poor neighborhood and was probably in the same financial standing as the majority of my class or maybe even worse off. and we were only allowed to wear black and white uniforms in middle school. i wore the same school issued uniform as everyone else but i was still labeled as the rich boy by my peers and pretty much everyone who ever knew me. i guess ive always come off as posh to everyone that i have encountered in my life. ive just been able to embrace a different sense of self that was way beyond my years as a youth growing up in the ghetto. i envisioned bigger and grander things for myself. and i think the gay gene totally kicked in and made me more sensible in making fashionable decisions in life. i was the only one to order the cardigan in my class. which was utterly useless because wearing and owning a cardigan in san diego is so ridiculous. but it was me and i wanted it. i was posh like that even at such a young age. and i really would not accept anything less for myself.
and with that i end another really long entry. i just thought it was amazing to see someone who i hadnt seen in such a long time and see how different our lives were. it inspired me to write this and reflect back on myself and where i currently am in my life right now. i dont feel bad for being just simply who i really have been since i could ever remember. these days its difficult to be posh without people thinking that youre too intimidating or too good for anyone. some people even go as far as hating on you for having such an impressive lifestyle. theres just way too much negativity out there already, but to hate on someone for simply having their own high standards in life is just insane. but people hate for a reason and its because they always hate on the things that they cant have in their own lives. its hard to find the balance between being relatable and just being able to have some standards in your life. but for now, ive learned that the best way to live your life is to do exactly that. live your own life without having to compromise yourself and other peoples selves. if people are assholes in real life then let them be assholes. obviously they can sleep better at night knowing that they are assholes. as for me, i can sleep better knowing that one day those assholes are going to one day spit shine my shoes. haha maybe not, but thats what gets me to have the sweetest dreams.