...it's hard to breathe.
Does anyone even use LiveJournal anymore? It seems as if the online community has moved along to the likes of Friendster and MySpace, the latter a behemoth of Internet friendship and chatting. I refuse to get a MySpace account... I refuse. But, that's just because I'm stubborn. I didn't want to get a LiveJournal account four years ago (my God, has it been that long?) when I got one; it seemed as if everyone had one; there were a paltry 80,000+ users at the time. Now LJ boasts numbers of over 10 million, yet it still seems as if the number of users (at least the ones that I know) are few and far between. Perception is nine-tenths of reality, after all.
But, that's not the reason that I'm writing now.
I don't know what it's going to take for me to finally see what I'm really worth. These rehearsals really get me down. It's something so stupid, but I really feel like I have no talent whatsoever. Now, I know that I'm just being overly dramatic, as they wouldn't have hired me if I hadn't some redeemable quality of note (although I am the only black person in the cast... perhaps in the whole state, too), but this first week of rehearsals has left a rather putrescent residue in my stomach. I just feel inept and talentless, with no skills whatsoever.
That's funny... you used to be so beautiful.
It's ridiculous, I know that. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way. So, while I was wallowing in my own self-pity today during rehearsal, I asked myself, "Don, what would it take for you to feel better about yourself?" And the answer that came was that it would take the appreciation and adulation of those in my immediate company. Long story short, I was singing the wrong notes, and I could see people judging me. Paranoia? Perhaps. But I projected my own feelings of incompetence onto them, imagining that they thought I was as stupid as I felt. So the only solution would be to gain the admiration of my peers that I so desperately desire; I need them to admire me as much as I admire them.
Don't worry, I'm not going to go out and spend $2000 on gifts. I promise. Not this time.
See, this time around, I've made some resolutions. I'm not going to resort to sex to make myself feel better. Normally on days like this, I just go online, have people tell me how beautiful I am (of course, the catch is that I'm never attracted to said people; it's just that they like me and I need to be wanted at the time), and we'll go out and have sex and I'll forget how vile I am on the inside. It's a nice fix for two or three hours. Of course, once the sex is done, I'm back to being me, and since I hate being me so much, I just look to the next fix, and the next one, and the next one...
I'm an addict. I'll admit it. I'm addicted to feeling good. Aren't we all, though?
Anyway, I'm trying to be different this time around. So, no whoring myself around to anyone who will take me into their bed (besides, come October, there may be a very steep price to pay, but that's a story for later). My other vice is my habit of buying love from those around me. I buy my friends, and I buy all my relationships. I am now completely broke because of it, and sometimes it gets hard to tell which people are around me for what I do for them, and which ones actually like me for me. I find it hard to believe that anyone would really like me for the person that I am, since I hate the person that I am so much. Yet again, I digress. My goal this time is not to purchase the affection of my cast, yet to earn their affection. So, I'm not going to spend money that I don't have on gifts for people who will never show their appreciation beyond the trite and oft insincere thank-yous that I receive. I never get what I need or want out of the situation; no one from any cast that I've ever done this for has kept in touch with me, in any way, shape or form. I'm sure that they don't even remember who gave them the gifts they wear. And we're talking thousands of dollars in expensive gifts.
You can't buy love. I'm walking proof of that.
See, the thing that hurts is that I can't really be myself around people because I'm afraid that they won't like the real me; I don't like the real me, so why should anyone else like the real me. I don't even think I know who the real me is. So, I feel like I constantly have to perform to get people to notice me; I'm the eternal actor -- the chameleon -- constantly shifting and changing each role to suit the tastes of the person I'm with. It's a lonely existence.
So that's the drama for right now. Look to the positive; search for the light. Things are only as bad as you allow them to be. I am stronger than I think I am, and I can control my own happiness.
Just not today.
But, that's not the reason that I'm writing now.
I don't know what it's going to take for me to finally see what I'm really worth. These rehearsals really get me down. It's something so stupid, but I really feel like I have no talent whatsoever. Now, I know that I'm just being overly dramatic, as they wouldn't have hired me if I hadn't some redeemable quality of note (although I am the only black person in the cast... perhaps in the whole state, too), but this first week of rehearsals has left a rather putrescent residue in my stomach. I just feel inept and talentless, with no skills whatsoever.
That's funny... you used to be so beautiful.
It's ridiculous, I know that. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way. So, while I was wallowing in my own self-pity today during rehearsal, I asked myself, "Don, what would it take for you to feel better about yourself?" And the answer that came was that it would take the appreciation and adulation of those in my immediate company. Long story short, I was singing the wrong notes, and I could see people judging me. Paranoia? Perhaps. But I projected my own feelings of incompetence onto them, imagining that they thought I was as stupid as I felt. So the only solution would be to gain the admiration of my peers that I so desperately desire; I need them to admire me as much as I admire them.
Don't worry, I'm not going to go out and spend $2000 on gifts. I promise. Not this time.
See, this time around, I've made some resolutions. I'm not going to resort to sex to make myself feel better. Normally on days like this, I just go online, have people tell me how beautiful I am (of course, the catch is that I'm never attracted to said people; it's just that they like me and I need to be wanted at the time), and we'll go out and have sex and I'll forget how vile I am on the inside. It's a nice fix for two or three hours. Of course, once the sex is done, I'm back to being me, and since I hate being me so much, I just look to the next fix, and the next one, and the next one...
I'm an addict. I'll admit it. I'm addicted to feeling good. Aren't we all, though?
Anyway, I'm trying to be different this time around. So, no whoring myself around to anyone who will take me into their bed (besides, come October, there may be a very steep price to pay, but that's a story for later). My other vice is my habit of buying love from those around me. I buy my friends, and I buy all my relationships. I am now completely broke because of it, and sometimes it gets hard to tell which people are around me for what I do for them, and which ones actually like me for me. I find it hard to believe that anyone would really like me for the person that I am, since I hate the person that I am so much. Yet again, I digress. My goal this time is not to purchase the affection of my cast, yet to earn their affection. So, I'm not going to spend money that I don't have on gifts for people who will never show their appreciation beyond the trite and oft insincere thank-yous that I receive. I never get what I need or want out of the situation; no one from any cast that I've ever done this for has kept in touch with me, in any way, shape or form. I'm sure that they don't even remember who gave them the gifts they wear. And we're talking thousands of dollars in expensive gifts.
You can't buy love. I'm walking proof of that.
See, the thing that hurts is that I can't really be myself around people because I'm afraid that they won't like the real me; I don't like the real me, so why should anyone else like the real me. I don't even think I know who the real me is. So, I feel like I constantly have to perform to get people to notice me; I'm the eternal actor -- the chameleon -- constantly shifting and changing each role to suit the tastes of the person I'm with. It's a lonely existence.
So that's the drama for right now. Look to the positive; search for the light. Things are only as bad as you allow them to be. I am stronger than I think I am, and I can control my own happiness.
Just not today.