It's 5 a.m.; I must be lonely...
It's not another one of those posts, but it's another one of those posts.
Men vs. Women
1. Names
Women: If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
Men: If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. Eating Out
Men: When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though the bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit that they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. Money
Men: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
Women: A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need, but she will buy it because it's on sale.
4. Bathrooms
Men: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap, and a washcloth/towel that he uses to wash his face, his body and dry himself.
Women: The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 337. The average man is unable to identify most of these items.
5. Arguments
Women: Will get the last word in any argument.
Men: Will think he's gotten the last word, but has really started a new argument.
6. Cats
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Some men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick or throw cats. (calling the ASPCA...)
7. Future
Women: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
Men: A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. Success
Men: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Women: A successful woman is one who finds such a man. (Archaic, yes, but comical...)
9. Marriage
Women: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
Men: A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
10. Dressing Up
Women: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for a wedding or a funeral.
11. Natural Beauty
Men: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed (or, at least, that's what the woman will tell him).
Women: Women somehow deteriorate during the night (or, that's what their soon-to-be ex has told them).
12. Offspring
Not the band, we're talking about progeny. And, by progeny I mean children, not the "Smack My Bitch Up" people.
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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Food for thought: A taken man (i.e., married of with a girlfriend) should always forget any mistake he makes. There's no point in two people remembering the same thing.
And finally...
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument (that the man erroneously thinks he won), and neither of them have spoken a word since.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack-asses (yes, there is a difference), cows and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" Not skipping a beat, the woman replied, "Yep. In-laws."
Thank you! G'night!!
Men vs. Women
1. Names
Women: If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
Men: If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. Eating Out
Men: When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though the bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit that they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. Money
Men: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
Women: A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need, but she will buy it because it's on sale.
4. Bathrooms
Men: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap, and a washcloth/towel that he uses to wash his face, his body and dry himself.
Women: The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 337. The average man is unable to identify most of these items.
5. Arguments
Women: Will get the last word in any argument.
Men: Will think he's gotten the last word, but has really started a new argument.
6. Cats
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Some men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick or throw cats. (calling the ASPCA...)
7. Future
Women: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
Men: A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. Success
Men: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Women: A successful woman is one who finds such a man. (Archaic, yes, but comical...)
9. Marriage
Women: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
Men: A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
10. Dressing Up
Women: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for a wedding or a funeral.
11. Natural Beauty
Men: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed (or, at least, that's what the woman will tell him).
Women: Women somehow deteriorate during the night (or, that's what their soon-to-be ex has told them).
12. Offspring
Not the band, we're talking about progeny. And, by progeny I mean children, not the "Smack My Bitch Up" people.
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
========
Food for thought: A taken man (i.e., married of with a girlfriend) should always forget any mistake he makes. There's no point in two people remembering the same thing.
And finally...
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument (that the man erroneously thinks he won), and neither of them have spoken a word since.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack-asses (yes, there is a difference), cows and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" Not skipping a beat, the woman replied, "Yep. In-laws."
Thank you! G'night!!