Stealth Disagreements
Anna and I have recently discovered that we have differing opinions on stealth. She sees that as her ultimate goal, and I have an aversion to the whole idea. We have talked about it a few times, and I have been trying to get a grasp on my feelings, because a lot of my dislike for the idea is a gut reaction, and I am not entirely sure why I have these feelings.
It is not as though I feel Anna should tell everyone she is trans once she is living passably full-time. That would be silly, pointless, and downright dangerous. Even if someone asked her I would expect her to deny it, unless the person who asked was someone important in our life, like a friend who had become very close or something. What bothers me most is the idea of destroying the evidence, erasing the person who was. I don't want to have to get rid of my photos of Adam. I fell in love with Adam. Yes, Adam and Anna are the same person, but that is exactly why I don't want to have to deny that Adam ever existed.
Of COURSE it is Anna's decision. I would never "out" her without her permission, and if it is painful for her that reminders exist that she was once Adam, then we would get rid of them. I just don't want to have to. Anna has struck me as a very well-adjusted trans-person, especially considering the abuse she went through as a child, and up until recently I never considered the idea that she might want to forget Adam. I just assumed she and he would coexist peacefully as the same person, just at different times in her life. Just thinking about it right now triggers that "mourning" idea I have heard others talk about, as if Adam is dying... Which sounds just as silly now as it did the first time someone mentioned it to me. But it is a tough feeling to shake. Is it because humans are such visual creatures?
Anyway, I digress. I had a brief moment when I worried that the reason I don't want Anna to go stealth is because somehow being a lesbian bothered me more than being a straight girl with a transwoman. That was a scary idea, because I know too many super-cool lesbians to ever fear being considered one. Fortunately, the idea makes no sense even when I try to consider it. But I thought of something else that makes a little more sense, and it is this:
I volunteered for this ride.
Yes, Anna is CHOOSING to transition, but when it comes down to it, she NEEDS to do it. She didn't ask for this, and she wouldn't do it if she could snap her fingers and just become a normal girl. I, on the other hand, don't have to go through this. I could walk away, but I have made the enormous and weighty decision to participate as fully as I possibly can.
This decision means a lot to me. It is once of the most important decisions of my entire life. I think this is part of why the idea of Anna going stealth bothers me. I have decided I WANT to take this momentous journey with her, and I don't want the journey to be erased and forgotten as soon as it is "finished."
Can anyone relate?
It is not as though I feel Anna should tell everyone she is trans once she is living passably full-time. That would be silly, pointless, and downright dangerous. Even if someone asked her I would expect her to deny it, unless the person who asked was someone important in our life, like a friend who had become very close or something. What bothers me most is the idea of destroying the evidence, erasing the person who was. I don't want to have to get rid of my photos of Adam. I fell in love with Adam. Yes, Adam and Anna are the same person, but that is exactly why I don't want to have to deny that Adam ever existed.
Of COURSE it is Anna's decision. I would never "out" her without her permission, and if it is painful for her that reminders exist that she was once Adam, then we would get rid of them. I just don't want to have to. Anna has struck me as a very well-adjusted trans-person, especially considering the abuse she went through as a child, and up until recently I never considered the idea that she might want to forget Adam. I just assumed she and he would coexist peacefully as the same person, just at different times in her life. Just thinking about it right now triggers that "mourning" idea I have heard others talk about, as if Adam is dying... Which sounds just as silly now as it did the first time someone mentioned it to me. But it is a tough feeling to shake. Is it because humans are such visual creatures?
Anyway, I digress. I had a brief moment when I worried that the reason I don't want Anna to go stealth is because somehow being a lesbian bothered me more than being a straight girl with a transwoman. That was a scary idea, because I know too many super-cool lesbians to ever fear being considered one. Fortunately, the idea makes no sense even when I try to consider it. But I thought of something else that makes a little more sense, and it is this:
I volunteered for this ride.
Yes, Anna is CHOOSING to transition, but when it comes down to it, she NEEDS to do it. She didn't ask for this, and she wouldn't do it if she could snap her fingers and just become a normal girl. I, on the other hand, don't have to go through this. I could walk away, but I have made the enormous and weighty decision to participate as fully as I possibly can.
This decision means a lot to me. It is once of the most important decisions of my entire life. I think this is part of why the idea of Anna going stealth bothers me. I have decided I WANT to take this momentous journey with her, and I don't want the journey to be erased and forgotten as soon as it is "finished."
Can anyone relate?