Yes, it has been a while...
... so how are things?
Well, pick a day from the last six months and you may hear anything from "wonderful" to "hellish". Today? What is worse than hellish?
Bleak. Very bleak.
Facial surgery time is coming fast... We had planned on doing it this spring, and are going in for a consult in less than a month. So how is the money situation? Well, basically I have $4000 saved up for what will likely be a $40,000 surgery. Ans the financing I was planning on getting through the surgeon? Yeah, they dont do that anymore... You know how lenders are these days...
We were planning on Anna getting a second job this winter to save up a bundle, but she is facing some awful discrimination at her job right now, and we dont even know if she is going to have ONE job this winter, let alone two. I feel terrible because she is inconsolable about her job and the fucked up shit that is happening, and I keep wanting to point out to her that this shit happens to SO MANY people. I know that wont make it feel any less shitty, but it is true, and I hate this world for that reason and many others.
And my job? Well, I am doing okay in that I am making decent money, but I am working twice the hours I used to in order to make it. And I am in a very seasonal business, so any day now things are going to go downhill. Commissioned sales is not the lark it used to be...
Would money solve all my problems? Um, yes, actually it probably would. Anna has had little glimmers of self esteem this summer. She smiles more now that her teeth are fixed, she has a full A cup that is simultaneously her pride and her greatest embarrassment. We had sex 3 times in a month, which may not seem like much, but it is the most we have had in a single month in a year I think. But every time something nice seems to be happening, reality crushes it with another shitty something-or-other.
I knew long ago that I would be he optimist in this relationship, but I think I am running out. Some drama with a mutual pair of friends (incredibly, completely non-trans-related) has really tested our relationship over the summer, and I dont think we have come out unscathed. I have had to turn my back on a very good friend to please Anna, and while that friend could have many times done things to fix the situation, she chose not to, and I was forced to choose between her and Anna. It hangs between us like a bad smell.
And I am isolated. That friend was the only one I had who would "make the first move", by which I mean call me and hang out with me without any particular reason. I am so lonely. Anna is depressed and I dont think she wants me around, but even if she does I am miserable and it brings her even farther down. I worry that she is not far from suicidal, and then I feel guilty for thinking it, for doubting her strength.
Therapy would be nice but I cant afford it. And it wouldnt solve anything.
I need to get a work-from-home job to make extra cash this winter. Does anyone know of one that isn't a scam?
Well, pick a day from the last six months and you may hear anything from "wonderful" to "hellish". Today? What is worse than hellish?
Bleak. Very bleak.
Facial surgery time is coming fast... We had planned on doing it this spring, and are going in for a consult in less than a month. So how is the money situation? Well, basically I have $4000 saved up for what will likely be a $40,000 surgery. Ans the financing I was planning on getting through the surgeon? Yeah, they dont do that anymore... You know how lenders are these days...
We were planning on Anna getting a second job this winter to save up a bundle, but she is facing some awful discrimination at her job right now, and we dont even know if she is going to have ONE job this winter, let alone two. I feel terrible because she is inconsolable about her job and the fucked up shit that is happening, and I keep wanting to point out to her that this shit happens to SO MANY people. I know that wont make it feel any less shitty, but it is true, and I hate this world for that reason and many others.
And my job? Well, I am doing okay in that I am making decent money, but I am working twice the hours I used to in order to make it. And I am in a very seasonal business, so any day now things are going to go downhill. Commissioned sales is not the lark it used to be...
Would money solve all my problems? Um, yes, actually it probably would. Anna has had little glimmers of self esteem this summer. She smiles more now that her teeth are fixed, she has a full A cup that is simultaneously her pride and her greatest embarrassment. We had sex 3 times in a month, which may not seem like much, but it is the most we have had in a single month in a year I think. But every time something nice seems to be happening, reality crushes it with another shitty something-or-other.
I knew long ago that I would be he optimist in this relationship, but I think I am running out. Some drama with a mutual pair of friends (incredibly, completely non-trans-related) has really tested our relationship over the summer, and I dont think we have come out unscathed. I have had to turn my back on a very good friend to please Anna, and while that friend could have many times done things to fix the situation, she chose not to, and I was forced to choose between her and Anna. It hangs between us like a bad smell.
And I am isolated. That friend was the only one I had who would "make the first move", by which I mean call me and hang out with me without any particular reason. I am so lonely. Anna is depressed and I dont think she wants me around, but even if she does I am miserable and it brings her even farther down. I worry that she is not far from suicidal, and then I feel guilty for thinking it, for doubting her strength.
Therapy would be nice but I cant afford it. And it wouldnt solve anything.
I need to get a work-from-home job to make extra cash this winter. Does anyone know of one that isn't a scam?