Communication......works? (with a side of irony)
So for those of you who have been following my situation, I finally talked to Anna about the whole sex-crazed monster (ME) thing. It went a little something like this (NOT exact words):
ME (text message): keep this evening open, I have something I want to talk with you about.
ANNA (text message): should I be worried?
ME(text message): of course not! I am just trying to honor my promise to communicate with you when I am having a problem.
***ring ring***
ANNA: hey, whats up? you cant text something like that to me and then expect me to wait all day to find out what is going on.
ME: shit, I know. Im sorry, I just hate talking about stuff over the phone because I can never make things come out in order.
ANNA: talk to me.
ME: well, you know that I have dated men my whole life, and there has never been any, uh, um, well, lack of desire towards me........ *sniff* ....... and as much as I hate it, the truth is I seem to kind of need that validation........*sniff*........ or I dont feel good about myself....... and I know its just habit, or societal brainwashing, or whatever, but I cant seem to make it go away..... *sniff*.....and I know you cant make yourself want me, and you shouldnt have to, but........ shit....*sob*....Im sorry, hang on a minute.............*sob* .........................................*sniff*..... but it isnt just about sex, I mean it kind of is, but its also about just feeling desired......*sob*.....and I DONT anymore.....*sniff*...........
And so on. I cant type in that format anymore, it was too long of a conversation. But what happened when we started exchanging information is the good part, because I learned something I had no idea about: The reason Anna had been avoiding physical contact with me (as in, avoiding just about EVERYTHING) is because she feels like every time she kisses me, or touches me in any remotely sexual way, I ALWAYS assume that means we should have sex. She is afraid to do the stuff that matters most to her, like cuddling and kissing and light petting (which incidently, is also the stuff that matters most to me), because she does not want it to automatically lead to sex. And I have apparently been jumping her every time.... guilty as charged!
OK, so flash back to my previous relationship... Every time I so much as pinched my Ex's butt, he wanted sex, and because of that I kept him at arms length as much as I could because he literally wanted sex every day. Ironic??? The hunted has become the hunter!
Back to Anna and I, I dont want sex every day by any means... In fact once or twice a week is fantastic with me, and I could live with less. As I said in my previous post, I am not craving physical release, I am craving Anna. And the REASON I have been jumping her every time she touches me is BECAUSE she hardly ever touches me. We have been literally exacerbating each others problems in our attempts to deal with our own! She has been keeping me at arms length because I jump on her, and I have been jumping on her because she has been keeping me at arms length!!! The solution: RELAX, the sex may not come any more frequently, but the time between can be sexier without involving sex.
So how have we done so far? Last night we cuddled and kissed, and I only occasionally caught myself wanting to tear her clothes off, but instead of getting frustrated I kissed her deeply and enjoyed the warm feelings, then relaxed and let them fade away...
Then this morning I woke to her pressing her entire body against mine at about 6am, and we had hot sex until 8...
I think I can handle this.
ME (text message): keep this evening open, I have something I want to talk with you about.
ANNA (text message): should I be worried?
ME(text message): of course not! I am just trying to honor my promise to communicate with you when I am having a problem.
***ring ring***
ANNA: hey, whats up? you cant text something like that to me and then expect me to wait all day to find out what is going on.
ME: shit, I know. Im sorry, I just hate talking about stuff over the phone because I can never make things come out in order.
ANNA: talk to me.
ME: well, you know that I have dated men my whole life, and there has never been any, uh, um, well, lack of desire towards me........ *sniff* ....... and as much as I hate it, the truth is I seem to kind of need that validation........*sniff*........ or I dont feel good about myself....... and I know its just habit, or societal brainwashing, or whatever, but I cant seem to make it go away..... *sniff*.....and I know you cant make yourself want me, and you shouldnt have to, but........ shit....*sob*....Im sorry, hang on a minute.............*sob* .........................................*sniff*..... but it isnt just about sex, I mean it kind of is, but its also about just feeling desired......*sob*.....and I DONT anymore.....*sniff*...........
And so on. I cant type in that format anymore, it was too long of a conversation. But what happened when we started exchanging information is the good part, because I learned something I had no idea about: The reason Anna had been avoiding physical contact with me (as in, avoiding just about EVERYTHING) is because she feels like every time she kisses me, or touches me in any remotely sexual way, I ALWAYS assume that means we should have sex. She is afraid to do the stuff that matters most to her, like cuddling and kissing and light petting (which incidently, is also the stuff that matters most to me), because she does not want it to automatically lead to sex. And I have apparently been jumping her every time.... guilty as charged!
OK, so flash back to my previous relationship... Every time I so much as pinched my Ex's butt, he wanted sex, and because of that I kept him at arms length as much as I could because he literally wanted sex every day. Ironic??? The hunted has become the hunter!
Back to Anna and I, I dont want sex every day by any means... In fact once or twice a week is fantastic with me, and I could live with less. As I said in my previous post, I am not craving physical release, I am craving Anna. And the REASON I have been jumping her every time she touches me is BECAUSE she hardly ever touches me. We have been literally exacerbating each others problems in our attempts to deal with our own! She has been keeping me at arms length because I jump on her, and I have been jumping on her because she has been keeping me at arms length!!! The solution: RELAX, the sex may not come any more frequently, but the time between can be sexier without involving sex.
So how have we done so far? Last night we cuddled and kissed, and I only occasionally caught myself wanting to tear her clothes off, but instead of getting frustrated I kissed her deeply and enjoyed the warm feelings, then relaxed and let them fade away...
Then this morning I woke to her pressing her entire body against mine at about 6am, and we had hot sex until 8...
I think I can handle this.