Why do I get this icky feeling...
...whenever I present myself in any way that makes me feel desirable?
When I think about how sexy I feel in a new outfit, the feeling is automatically tainted by the knowledge that I will be objectified when I wear it. By men, by women, by everyone... Like when, for the first time in years, I bought a shirt that showed cleavage... went to the grocery store... and got leered at by so many guys that I threw the shirt away when I got home.
Why this constant battle... Do I want to be noticed or not? Do I want people to think I am sexy or not? Is there no way that I can feel desirable without being offended that people think I am desirable? Do I have a right to be offended?
I am so much a product of my upbringing that it hurts... Mom and Dad taught me that who I am is not about how I look, but the media tells me that no one will like me if I don't display myself properly. So I swing back and forth... Today I am going to dress like a successful woman, even if I dont feel like one. By tonight I will be wishing I had more XL men's T-shirts to hide in. Next week I will consider a mini-skirt... the week after that I will swear off shorts completely. Is it about weight? Kind of... but it is also about attention. Why do I want it, why do I feel so ashamed when I get it? Why do I simultaneously hate and feel sorry for sexy women? Are they playing the game, or falling for it? Do I want to play? Or do I just want to throw stuff?
Why is it so hard to figure this out?
When I think about how sexy I feel in a new outfit, the feeling is automatically tainted by the knowledge that I will be objectified when I wear it. By men, by women, by everyone... Like when, for the first time in years, I bought a shirt that showed cleavage... went to the grocery store... and got leered at by so many guys that I threw the shirt away when I got home.
Why this constant battle... Do I want to be noticed or not? Do I want people to think I am sexy or not? Is there no way that I can feel desirable without being offended that people think I am desirable? Do I have a right to be offended?
I am so much a product of my upbringing that it hurts... Mom and Dad taught me that who I am is not about how I look, but the media tells me that no one will like me if I don't display myself properly. So I swing back and forth... Today I am going to dress like a successful woman, even if I dont feel like one. By tonight I will be wishing I had more XL men's T-shirts to hide in. Next week I will consider a mini-skirt... the week after that I will swear off shorts completely. Is it about weight? Kind of... but it is also about attention. Why do I want it, why do I feel so ashamed when I get it? Why do I simultaneously hate and feel sorry for sexy women? Are they playing the game, or falling for it? Do I want to play? Or do I just want to throw stuff?
Why is it so hard to figure this out?