Turns in the Road: Second Thoughts, by cmar, Wes/Eric
Title: Second Thoughts
Author: cmar
Relationship: Wes/Eric
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Takes place after 'Red Fire'.
As he had so many times in the last year, Wes Collins ran a thumb over the glass covering the fading Polaroid he kept in a small frame on his bedside table, as if to smooth out the traces of crumpling it still bore. “Trip... Katie... Lucas...” he whispered. Last of all his eyes lingered on the small, smiling image of a pretty, brown-haired young woman as she seemed to look back at him from the past they had shared, as if from a different life. “Jen.”
Another moment. Then he said very softly, “Goodbye,” tucked the picture into a drawer, closed it, and lay back on the bed with a sigh.
Goodbye. Somehow it was more final than when he had said it to the living people in that picture, so long ago. In some ways he felt he was saying goodbye to his own past, to his old ways of thinking, and perhaps of living. As of that day, everything had changed.
“But why? I haven’t changed,” he told the ceiling. “Or have I?”
Maybe I have. Am I a different person because I finally stopped hiding from myself? Because I wanted to be with Eric? Because I had sex with him?
I’m not defined by who I sleep with. Am I?
The ceiling held no answers. He turned his head, eyes drawn to the telephone. Eric... Eric would know. Or would he? He was just as human as anyone else. He didn’t have all the answers. Even if he thinks he does, Wes added with a smile. He started to reach for the phone, and then hesitated. He had left Eric’s house less than two hours ago. Too soon to call. Too soon.
Too soon, that’s what Eric told himself as his hand paused over the phone and then reluctantly withdrew. Much too soon to call. It would just look - weird. In fact, just wanting to call felt strange. Was this what love did to you? Made every moment spent apart seem like an empty, meaningless waste of time? So stupid. Eric shook his head.
All these years he had been in love with Wes, and yet it had never felt like this. Whoever said having something was a lot different from wanting it was right. Having meant being afraid of losing what you had. Having meant wanting more, and feeling like it would never be enough. The person who said love is like an addiction was right too. A wonderful, happy, thrilling addiction if everything went right - but what if it didn’t?
What if all this turned out to be a mistake? What if it didn’t work out; what if one of them wanted to break up some day? What if this made it impossible for the two of them to work together? What would happen if - when - Wes’s father found out? That could mean serious trouble. Complications, problems... Is this really what I want?
Wes shifted restlessly on the bed, ignoring a twinge from his still healing ribs. Here he was, after one of the most important events of his life, unable to talk about it to anyone. In a home where he suddenly seemed no longer to fit, facing the fact that now he had something to hide from the people closest to him. Again he smiled, grimly this time, as he realized this was his first real taste of something Eric had lived with for most of his life. Secrecy. Someday Wes would have to tell his father. But not now, not yet, not when he was still trying to get used to the idea himself.
Secrets. Lies. Is this really what I want?
Yes, it must be... Not like I didn’t think about it for weeks. Not like I didn’t plan it, and go through it a thousand times in my mind. Why am I wondering about it now?
Because reality is different. Now I have to face the consequences, and wonder why I’m doing this.
Why? Because sex with Eric was somehow thrilling in a way it never had been with a woman? That much was true... He could almost still feel it, the excitement of Eric’s touch on his skin, the way Eric’s body had felt under his own exploring fingers, sending hot echoes of pleasure vibrating through him. And yet, sex was only a part of it. Eric had been right, he realized. It wasn’t so much who you had sex with as who you dreamed of, who you wanted to wake up with, who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Who you fell in love with.
At one time he had thought all of those were Jen, even after it was Eric who had begun to fill his thoughts and haunt his dreams. How could he know it was Eric now? He had been so sure while they were together, when they made love, when they reluctantly parted with a few last, lingering kisses - since he had to go home so his father wouldn’t suspect, and inside Eric’s door since they couldn’t let the neighbors see - and when he had driven away with a last look back. Up until the moment he had turned into the driveway of his house - his father’s house - and suddenly it had seemed as if he was returning to the reality of his everyday life, waking from some exciting but fading dream.
“Dammit...” Eric muttered, glaring at the telephone as his hand seemed to ache with wanting to pick it up, dial that familiar number, and dispel the cloud of doubts with the sound of Wes’s voice. And that was the answer, wasn’t it? Whatever problems their relationship might bring, he wanted it anyway.
He had been wondering about his own feelings - but what about Wes? What if Wes was having second thoughts? What if he changed his mind? What if he climbed back into his closet and shut the door so tight it would never open again? What if even their friendship was destroyed?
A feeling close to panic brought Eric to the phone again. He reached out - hesitated - and slowly let his hand drop to his side. No, after everything Wes had gone through to get to this point, he would have to make his decisions on his own, without persuasion or interference which he might end up resenting. All Eric could do for now was wait - and hope.
Wes opened his eyes. He needed someone to talk to, and he knew who it had to be. And that was an answer to some of his questions in itself, wasn’t it? Eric’s was the one voice he wanted to hear, and Eric was the one person he trusted to understand. Eric... What was he doing right now? What was he thinking? If I call, will I sound too eager? Too desperate? Too needy? Will he be glad if I call, or annoyed?
Maybe it would be better to wait, and let Eric call first.
But no - he wouldn’t. Wes knew that with a sudden deep certainty that touched him with the knowledge of how well he knew his partner and friend. No, Eric realized how difficult it had been for Wes to face this truth about himself, and he wouldn’t push. He would let Wes make the next move.
And he also knew now was the time for that move. Wes picked up the phone and dialed.
“Hello?”
Wes felt that same thrill as he heard his partner’s voice, making his breath come faster and his heart leap, melting away all his uncertainties with its reminder of fulfillment and its promise for the future. He smiled. “Hi.”
“Hey.” Eric’s voice dropped into a lower, more intimate tone. “I’m glad you called.”
“Are you? I was afraid you’d think it was stupid to call so soon.”
There was a chuckle. “I was afraid of the same thing.”
“So... what’s new since a couple of hours ago?”
“Not much. What have you been doing?”
“Thinking.”
“What about?”
“About... this. About us. Kind of asking myself a lot of questions.”
“Yeah?” There was a pause, and when Eric went on Wes could hear the anxiety almost hidden under the surface of his voice. “And... have you gotten any answers?”
“All the important ones, I guess. Except one. Maybe you can help me out with that right now.”
“What is it?”
“How soon can we get together again?”
TBC...
Linkage:
[Turns on my site]
[Turns on ff.net]
List of 22: Thrill
Author: cmar
Relationship: Wes/Eric
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Takes place after 'Red Fire'.
As he had so many times in the last year, Wes Collins ran a thumb over the glass covering the fading Polaroid he kept in a small frame on his bedside table, as if to smooth out the traces of crumpling it still bore. “Trip... Katie... Lucas...” he whispered. Last of all his eyes lingered on the small, smiling image of a pretty, brown-haired young woman as she seemed to look back at him from the past they had shared, as if from a different life. “Jen.”
Another moment. Then he said very softly, “Goodbye,” tucked the picture into a drawer, closed it, and lay back on the bed with a sigh.
Goodbye. Somehow it was more final than when he had said it to the living people in that picture, so long ago. In some ways he felt he was saying goodbye to his own past, to his old ways of thinking, and perhaps of living. As of that day, everything had changed.
“But why? I haven’t changed,” he told the ceiling. “Or have I?”
Maybe I have. Am I a different person because I finally stopped hiding from myself? Because I wanted to be with Eric? Because I had sex with him?
I’m not defined by who I sleep with. Am I?
The ceiling held no answers. He turned his head, eyes drawn to the telephone. Eric... Eric would know. Or would he? He was just as human as anyone else. He didn’t have all the answers. Even if he thinks he does, Wes added with a smile. He started to reach for the phone, and then hesitated. He had left Eric’s house less than two hours ago. Too soon to call. Too soon.
Too soon, that’s what Eric told himself as his hand paused over the phone and then reluctantly withdrew. Much too soon to call. It would just look - weird. In fact, just wanting to call felt strange. Was this what love did to you? Made every moment spent apart seem like an empty, meaningless waste of time? So stupid. Eric shook his head.
All these years he had been in love with Wes, and yet it had never felt like this. Whoever said having something was a lot different from wanting it was right. Having meant being afraid of losing what you had. Having meant wanting more, and feeling like it would never be enough. The person who said love is like an addiction was right too. A wonderful, happy, thrilling addiction if everything went right - but what if it didn’t?
What if all this turned out to be a mistake? What if it didn’t work out; what if one of them wanted to break up some day? What if this made it impossible for the two of them to work together? What would happen if - when - Wes’s father found out? That could mean serious trouble. Complications, problems... Is this really what I want?
Wes shifted restlessly on the bed, ignoring a twinge from his still healing ribs. Here he was, after one of the most important events of his life, unable to talk about it to anyone. In a home where he suddenly seemed no longer to fit, facing the fact that now he had something to hide from the people closest to him. Again he smiled, grimly this time, as he realized this was his first real taste of something Eric had lived with for most of his life. Secrecy. Someday Wes would have to tell his father. But not now, not yet, not when he was still trying to get used to the idea himself.
Secrets. Lies. Is this really what I want?
Yes, it must be... Not like I didn’t think about it for weeks. Not like I didn’t plan it, and go through it a thousand times in my mind. Why am I wondering about it now?
Because reality is different. Now I have to face the consequences, and wonder why I’m doing this.
Why? Because sex with Eric was somehow thrilling in a way it never had been with a woman? That much was true... He could almost still feel it, the excitement of Eric’s touch on his skin, the way Eric’s body had felt under his own exploring fingers, sending hot echoes of pleasure vibrating through him. And yet, sex was only a part of it. Eric had been right, he realized. It wasn’t so much who you had sex with as who you dreamed of, who you wanted to wake up with, who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Who you fell in love with.
At one time he had thought all of those were Jen, even after it was Eric who had begun to fill his thoughts and haunt his dreams. How could he know it was Eric now? He had been so sure while they were together, when they made love, when they reluctantly parted with a few last, lingering kisses - since he had to go home so his father wouldn’t suspect, and inside Eric’s door since they couldn’t let the neighbors see - and when he had driven away with a last look back. Up until the moment he had turned into the driveway of his house - his father’s house - and suddenly it had seemed as if he was returning to the reality of his everyday life, waking from some exciting but fading dream.
“Dammit...” Eric muttered, glaring at the telephone as his hand seemed to ache with wanting to pick it up, dial that familiar number, and dispel the cloud of doubts with the sound of Wes’s voice. And that was the answer, wasn’t it? Whatever problems their relationship might bring, he wanted it anyway.
He had been wondering about his own feelings - but what about Wes? What if Wes was having second thoughts? What if he changed his mind? What if he climbed back into his closet and shut the door so tight it would never open again? What if even their friendship was destroyed?
A feeling close to panic brought Eric to the phone again. He reached out - hesitated - and slowly let his hand drop to his side. No, after everything Wes had gone through to get to this point, he would have to make his decisions on his own, without persuasion or interference which he might end up resenting. All Eric could do for now was wait - and hope.
Wes opened his eyes. He needed someone to talk to, and he knew who it had to be. And that was an answer to some of his questions in itself, wasn’t it? Eric’s was the one voice he wanted to hear, and Eric was the one person he trusted to understand. Eric... What was he doing right now? What was he thinking? If I call, will I sound too eager? Too desperate? Too needy? Will he be glad if I call, or annoyed?
Maybe it would be better to wait, and let Eric call first.
But no - he wouldn’t. Wes knew that with a sudden deep certainty that touched him with the knowledge of how well he knew his partner and friend. No, Eric realized how difficult it had been for Wes to face this truth about himself, and he wouldn’t push. He would let Wes make the next move.
And he also knew now was the time for that move. Wes picked up the phone and dialed.
“Hello?”
Wes felt that same thrill as he heard his partner’s voice, making his breath come faster and his heart leap, melting away all his uncertainties with its reminder of fulfillment and its promise for the future. He smiled. “Hi.”
“Hey.” Eric’s voice dropped into a lower, more intimate tone. “I’m glad you called.”
“Are you? I was afraid you’d think it was stupid to call so soon.”
There was a chuckle. “I was afraid of the same thing.”
“So... what’s new since a couple of hours ago?”
“Not much. What have you been doing?”
“Thinking.”
“What about?”
“About... this. About us. Kind of asking myself a lot of questions.”
“Yeah?” There was a pause, and when Eric went on Wes could hear the anxiety almost hidden under the surface of his voice. “And... have you gotten any answers?”
“All the important ones, I guess. Except one. Maybe you can help me out with that right now.”
“What is it?”
“How soon can we get together again?”
TBC...
Linkage:
[Turns on my site]
[Turns on ff.net]
List of 22: Thrill