Good morning America, how are you?
Mashed potatoes, corn, turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, chicken and noodles- the list goes on. Even if you hate your life as long as you are able to eat food most likely we all have some reason to be thankful for Thanksgiving. If nothing else it is 2 extra days off of school. sometimes i get bored and when i get bored i make up really long stories off the top of my head. they might be dumb but what other good crap can you do when you're bored besides like those word search books? some of you may have heard the story of the first thanksgiving, well screw all that man. this is the only thanksgiving story that really matters and it originated in an internet conversation between me and b-rett; i call it "the greatest thanksgiving ever"
did I ever tell you about the time me and Rager were volunteering at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving up in Chicago a couple years back? you know cuz we like to give back and crap. man id worked all week saving up for this turkey i bought for the homeless people. this was no ordinary turkey either. Rick Schavietllo himself killed it deep in the Black Forest of Germany with his bare hands. it was six feet long and 4 feet in diameter. it’s head was the size of a bowling ball. it cost me close to a thousand dollars.
and today it was going to make the greatest thanksgiving dinner ever for the poor old homeless people of Chicago. well i spend like an entire day cooking this shit, getting it just right, that thing was perfect- all juicy and what not. by the time Thanksgiving morning rolled around the homeless people had lined up down the whole block waiting to get in.
at the very front of the line was a group of about 7 or 8 girls. they’re all very big. so im thinking cool there are fat homeless people too, i wont discriminate- i bet they have a lot of bountiful trash cans in a city as big as the Chi
they were all wearing really baggy, bulgy clothing. well finally by like 10:30 we start letting these kids in. first thing those fat cows do is head straight for the restroom. but of course by this time there are so many people i lose track.
finally everyone gets seated, there are probably like 500 homeless people seated in this giant mess hall/ soup kitchen/ cafeteria thing. yeah everybody is seated and me and rager are just sitting back relaxing- knocking back a few cold ones and we’re like shit i think its time to serve the food
so we head back in the kitchen. sammy, bobby, tom, george, harry, mitch, schmidt, and stan- they’re all gone. they’re the dudes who were like running the kitchen. and in their place are like 6 or 7 big girls. the biggest one looks up at me all scared and kind of starts to stutter.
“shift change,” she says.
well wouldn’t you know im a gullible bastard. i let that fat heifer convince me that soup kitchen volunteers work in shifts. and why wouldnt i beleive the woman? this lady is promising me her and all her staff will serve the food for us.
“just sit back mr kelsey, mr rager,” she says, “we’ve got this under control- go back out and have a seat and we'll bring all the food out in like 5 minutes. we just have to put the finishing touches on a few things.”
me and josh are like far out. we just head back out into the hall, pop a top and chill. well wouldnt you know its like 15 minutes. still no chicas gordas con mi comida.
im ticked. finally i decide to go back there and check on things. the kitchen its empty.
all the food is sitting on the counter ready to be served. everything but my turkey. im going ballistic man.
yeah the whole thing is just gone. i take off running, looking all over the place for these chubby hos and my damned turkey. i open the freezer and what do i find? sammy, bobby, tom, george, harry, mitch, schmidt, and stan all tied up in a big bundle knocked out cold. then it hit me. those fat girls, the really giant ones who were the first in line- they snuck into the kitchen, knocked out our help, took off all their bulky clothes, and freaking made off with the turkey. right about now josh busts in and you know he’s strapped
hes waving his glock around all crazy in the air- hes pisssed. hes like “dont just stand there man we gotta stop these fools.” like the man with a plan that he is he hops out the supersized window they escaped through. i follow. right as we get outside we hear the squeal of the tires. sure enough out pulls the greencastle j.v. cheerleading bus from behind the alley. damn! being the badasses we are, we rush the first car we see and "liberate" it.
its some rich bastard in a Porsche. before we know it we're weaving in and out of chicago traffic, shooting left and right, chasing the greencastle cheerleading bus. josh being the dale jr. that he is, soon catches up with the cheerleaders. im hanging out the passenger window shooting out the tires. pretty soon those pigs are stopped cold- in the middle of the road.
if only we could see the looks on their faces. but theyve got tinted windows. so we walk up to the door and kick it in.sitting in the drivers seat is freaking joy cheng
just when you thought it couldnt get any crazier. all those fat cheerleaders are drugged unconcious laying in a heap next to the giant turkey. joy just starts laughing, maniacally.
“oh yes you thought those fat pigs could actually engineer a scheme this flawless?
Pshhhh! they were just my pawns. you see that turkey? its the biggest turkey ever. and this year the guiness book of world records has promised a 5 million dollar reward for the first person to produce the worlds biggest turkey! i merely had to trick those peons into thinking they would get to eat the turkey afterwards to get them to steal it.”
me and josh we dont even know what to say.we never get a chance to speak. because before we can say anything captain planet flies through the windshield.
“for killing the world’s largest turkey, which was actually not even a turkey but a superturkey, which made it an endangered species- you're going to jail bitch!” he yells.
fortunately for us captain planet’s dead endagered species tracker lead him to the turkey only after joy had stolen it. hours earlier and it might’ve been me and josh getting dragged kicking and screaming to environmental prison. see the captain didnt know who killed it. just that it was dead, and at the time of the arrest it was clearly in the possesion of miss cheng.
so they drag her off and throw away the key and we're just sitting there chilling like what just happened. and then josh gets the balls to ask captain planet a question- the captain is still there getting his picture taken for all the newspapers.
“captain planet” josh says, “if you're just going to throw the turkey away could we have it please, it could feed a lot of homeless people.”
captain planet, he doesnt want to look bad for the papers. so hes just like uhh sure kids…
4 hours after we left we arrive back at the homeless shelter, turkey in tow. 500 homeless people, captain planet, josh rager, and even me all had something to be thankful for. even joy was thankful because she was pardoned later that day by the governor.
I hope that this Thanksgiving everybody else out there has something they are thankful for….
did I ever tell you about the time me and Rager were volunteering at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving up in Chicago a couple years back? you know cuz we like to give back and crap. man id worked all week saving up for this turkey i bought for the homeless people. this was no ordinary turkey either. Rick Schavietllo himself killed it deep in the Black Forest of Germany with his bare hands. it was six feet long and 4 feet in diameter. it’s head was the size of a bowling ball. it cost me close to a thousand dollars.
and today it was going to make the greatest thanksgiving dinner ever for the poor old homeless people of Chicago. well i spend like an entire day cooking this shit, getting it just right, that thing was perfect- all juicy and what not. by the time Thanksgiving morning rolled around the homeless people had lined up down the whole block waiting to get in.
at the very front of the line was a group of about 7 or 8 girls. they’re all very big. so im thinking cool there are fat homeless people too, i wont discriminate- i bet they have a lot of bountiful trash cans in a city as big as the Chi
they were all wearing really baggy, bulgy clothing. well finally by like 10:30 we start letting these kids in. first thing those fat cows do is head straight for the restroom. but of course by this time there are so many people i lose track.
finally everyone gets seated, there are probably like 500 homeless people seated in this giant mess hall/ soup kitchen/ cafeteria thing. yeah everybody is seated and me and rager are just sitting back relaxing- knocking back a few cold ones and we’re like shit i think its time to serve the food
so we head back in the kitchen. sammy, bobby, tom, george, harry, mitch, schmidt, and stan- they’re all gone. they’re the dudes who were like running the kitchen. and in their place are like 6 or 7 big girls. the biggest one looks up at me all scared and kind of starts to stutter.
“shift change,” she says.
well wouldn’t you know im a gullible bastard. i let that fat heifer convince me that soup kitchen volunteers work in shifts. and why wouldnt i beleive the woman? this lady is promising me her and all her staff will serve the food for us.
“just sit back mr kelsey, mr rager,” she says, “we’ve got this under control- go back out and have a seat and we'll bring all the food out in like 5 minutes. we just have to put the finishing touches on a few things.”
me and josh are like far out. we just head back out into the hall, pop a top and chill. well wouldnt you know its like 15 minutes. still no chicas gordas con mi comida.
im ticked. finally i decide to go back there and check on things. the kitchen its empty.
all the food is sitting on the counter ready to be served. everything but my turkey. im going ballistic man.
yeah the whole thing is just gone. i take off running, looking all over the place for these chubby hos and my damned turkey. i open the freezer and what do i find? sammy, bobby, tom, george, harry, mitch, schmidt, and stan all tied up in a big bundle knocked out cold. then it hit me. those fat girls, the really giant ones who were the first in line- they snuck into the kitchen, knocked out our help, took off all their bulky clothes, and freaking made off with the turkey. right about now josh busts in and you know he’s strapped
hes waving his glock around all crazy in the air- hes pisssed. hes like “dont just stand there man we gotta stop these fools.” like the man with a plan that he is he hops out the supersized window they escaped through. i follow. right as we get outside we hear the squeal of the tires. sure enough out pulls the greencastle j.v. cheerleading bus from behind the alley. damn! being the badasses we are, we rush the first car we see and "liberate" it.
its some rich bastard in a Porsche. before we know it we're weaving in and out of chicago traffic, shooting left and right, chasing the greencastle cheerleading bus. josh being the dale jr. that he is, soon catches up with the cheerleaders. im hanging out the passenger window shooting out the tires. pretty soon those pigs are stopped cold- in the middle of the road.
if only we could see the looks on their faces. but theyve got tinted windows. so we walk up to the door and kick it in.sitting in the drivers seat is freaking joy cheng
just when you thought it couldnt get any crazier. all those fat cheerleaders are drugged unconcious laying in a heap next to the giant turkey. joy just starts laughing, maniacally.
“oh yes you thought those fat pigs could actually engineer a scheme this flawless?
Pshhhh! they were just my pawns. you see that turkey? its the biggest turkey ever. and this year the guiness book of world records has promised a 5 million dollar reward for the first person to produce the worlds biggest turkey! i merely had to trick those peons into thinking they would get to eat the turkey afterwards to get them to steal it.”
me and josh we dont even know what to say.we never get a chance to speak. because before we can say anything captain planet flies through the windshield.
“for killing the world’s largest turkey, which was actually not even a turkey but a superturkey, which made it an endangered species- you're going to jail bitch!” he yells.
fortunately for us captain planet’s dead endagered species tracker lead him to the turkey only after joy had stolen it. hours earlier and it might’ve been me and josh getting dragged kicking and screaming to environmental prison. see the captain didnt know who killed it. just that it was dead, and at the time of the arrest it was clearly in the possesion of miss cheng.
so they drag her off and throw away the key and we're just sitting there chilling like what just happened. and then josh gets the balls to ask captain planet a question- the captain is still there getting his picture taken for all the newspapers.
“captain planet” josh says, “if you're just going to throw the turkey away could we have it please, it could feed a lot of homeless people.”
captain planet, he doesnt want to look bad for the papers. so hes just like uhh sure kids…
4 hours after we left we arrive back at the homeless shelter, turkey in tow. 500 homeless people, captain planet, josh rager, and even me all had something to be thankful for. even joy was thankful because she was pardoned later that day by the governor.
I hope that this Thanksgiving everybody else out there has something they are thankful for….