[fic] mutual appreciation society
hi, livejournal, what do you think of crack?
because here, you can have some for free. i'm pretty easy like that.
mutual appreciation society
ryan ross is a girl for a while. brendon urie is the only one who truly understands his pain. pg13. 1,384 words.
fuck you, disarm-d. ♥
It's only ten in the morning, and already Ryan looks distressed. He hasn't even put any eyeliner on yet, and his hair is a mess. "Guys. I think we have a problem."
Brendon blinks. He swallows a hastily-chewed mouthful of Cheerios and says, "Oh. What's up, man?"
Spencer says, "Yeah, what is it?"
Jon says, "The album's going to be fine. Don't worry about it."
Ryan says, "No. Guys. Come on. Can't you tell?"
"What?" Brendon asks.
Ryan says, "Come on."
"Uhm?" Spencer says.
"Jesus Christ, you guys, I'm a girl."
"Oh," Brendon says. "Huh? Is this some existential thing?"
Jon says, "It's okay, Ryan. We still accept you. Just -- seriously? Okay. Well, that's -- are you going to get surgery?"
Spencer says, "Huh."
Ryan says, "No. No, no, no, I am not a transsexual, shut up, I'm a girl." He hefts his shirt up, and, sure enough, there are breasts there. Sort of. They're very small, and look more like he's been bitten on the chest by a spider than anything else.
Spencer says, "I think that's just called gynocomastia or something. It happens. I wouldn't figure it'd be a problem for you, you've got such a low BMI, but." He shrugs. "Don't worry about it. The doctor can probably do something about it."
Ryan says, "Shit, guys, you suck."
Brendon says, "Yeah, I knew a dude in high school who had bitch tits. He was pretty cool anyway."
Ryan pulls down his pants.
"Oh," the three other boys say.
Brendon says, "Thanks, I really needed to see that at breakfast. Ew. Ew."
Spencer says, "Well, thanks for that, Ryan. You didn't even -- wait." He says, "Wait, but I've seen you naked before." Jon and Brendon stare at Spencer for a while. "What? Shut up, we're childhood friends. I have legitimate reasons. Huh. You really did turn into a girl. Okay."
"Okay," Jon says slowly.
Ryan says, "Guys, what do we do?"
Spencer says, "Seeing that none of us could tell, I don't think it matters."
Ryan says, "I want my dick back. I do not want to have a vagina."
"Really?" Jon says.
Brendon says, "So if you're a girl, how come your hair's the same? Your voice isn't even any higher."
Ryan swears under his breath. He says, "I'm calling Pete."
-
Pete says, "Oh, yeah, this one time me and Patrick switched bodies. That was pretty great. I guess it's not the same, though."
"No," Ryan says. "Really, not, because you both still had ... the right kind of equipment, at least."
Pete says, "Seriously, you better not be shitting me, you don't even sound any different. You know, hold up." There's a bit of noise on his end of the line as he covers the mouthpiece with his hand and shouts something. Then he's back, saying, "Yeah, Patrick says your voice wouldn't have changed anyway. It's not like it'd ... retrain how you speak or something? Because that's an acquired skill ...? I don't know. Talk to Patrick."
"No!" Ryan says. "Not -- in a minute. Look. How did you guys turn back? I know it's not the same, but maybe I can get an idea."
"Well," Pete says. "We just left Brazil. Are you guys, you're overseas right now, right?"
"No," Ryan says.
"Oh," Pete says.
-
Ryan travels to Brazil. He comes home. He is still a girl.
Keltie is the only person who notices on her own. His hands are a little smaller, maybe, she says.
-
Ryan says, "Pete, that didn't work."
"Oh," Pete says. "Damn. I don't know, dude, it was worth a shot."
Ryan says, "Shit. Shit, man, this is annoying."
Pete says, "At least you're not on your period. Now that would suck."
"Fuck," Ryan says. "I hadn't even thought of it."
"Forewarned is forearmed," Pete says sagely. "Hey. Hey. So can I stick my penis in your vagina sometime?"
Ryan hangs up on him.
-
Ryan says, "You guys seriously didn't notice? I -- but my --"
"It's not that obvious," Jon says.
"Actually," Brendon says.
Spencer says, "Brendon, that's just because you pay more attention to other dudes' crotches than is strictly necessary."
"I'll pay more attention to your crotch than is strictly necessary," Brendon says. "Hah."
"Right," Spencer says. "Really, thanks, but no." He says, "Anyway, Ryan, you were wearing sweatpants."
"So?" Ryan says.
Spencer sighs.
"Keltie's not freaking out, at least," Ryan says. "We still have sex. It's okay. Don't worry."
Spencer says, "Ryan, seriously, seriously, none of us care that much about your sex life."
Jon says, "That's pretty hot."
Brendon says, "Ew. Ryan Ross. That's messed up."
Ryan shrugs. "I just didn't want you guys to freak out and think she was going to break up with me."
"Yeah, that was definitely my first thought," Jon says.
"See," Ryan says.
"I was kidding."
"Oh."
Spencer says, "At least you can still play guitar, right?"
"I hate you all," Ryan says. "I don't want to be a lesbian."
Brendon starts giggling.
Ryan says, "Hate."
-
"It's okay, Ryan," Brendon says. "We'll find a way to help you. I've been trying to do research."
Ryan says, "Really?"
"Yeah," Brendon says. "Mostly all I found was some weird porn, I don't know. I'm still looking, though. I wouldn't want to have a vagina either."
"Finally," Ryan says. "At least this matters to someone."
"I mean, seriously." Brendon says, "That's so, so gross, dude."
"Uhm."
"I don't even -- seriously. So gross. I don't get the appeal of vaginas, seriously."
"Right," Ryan says. "Well. Thanks."
-
"Spencer," Brendon says. "Do you think Ryan's more graceful?"
"What?"
"He's got poise," Brendon says. "And I just wonder if it's because he was a girl."
"Uhm."
Brendon says, "I mean, girls are supposed to be graceful. Right?"
"I -- guess so," Spencer says. "Some of them are. It's not a universal thing, though."
Brendon says, "Oh. Well. Just, you know, he's handling this really gracefully, too. So I was just wondering."
Spencer says, "No, probably not."
"Okay. Just checking." He says, "I miss Ryan's penis."
Spencer stares at him.
"In an existential way. Metaphorically."
"Yeah, okay," Spencer says.
"I would miss yours too," Brendon says. "Literally."
"How?" Spencer says. "Brendon, how would you even -- no, don't answer that. I don't want to know."
"I've --"
"No."
"Okay. Sorry. I'm just saying. I'm glad you're not a girl, since --"
"No."
-
"Do you think we should make out?" Brendon says, looking worried.
"No."
"I mean, I'm just saying, what if you've just got to kiss a dude to turn back?" Brendon says. "I'd make that sacrifice for you. For the sake of the band, and for the sake of your missing penis."
"No, Brendon," Ryan says.
Brendon says, "Maybe if you said you missed it."
Ryan says, "I'm pretty sure that's not going to work either."
"You never know. What if it does?"
Ryan says, "Seriously, that wouldn't even make sense. It's not like I said I didn't want it or anything. It was just gone."
"Well, maybe if you acknowledged it," Brendon says.
-
"Spencer," Brendon says.
"No, I don't care about Ryan's penis," Spencer says.
"But it's -- that's not what I was going to say!" Brendon says. "That is not even ."
"Okay, what's up?"
"Spencer, you appreciate your penis, right?"
"What? Yes?"
"You don't sound sure," Brendon says. "I'm worried."
"Oh my god," Spencer says. "No. Where's Jon?" He pulls out his phone and flips it open. "Jon Walker, save me. You're where? What? No, twenty minutes is not okay. Fuck you. ... I love you, Jon, thank you."
"Spencer Smith," Brendon says. "I'll appreciate it for you. We can't risk it."
-
Ryan says, "Jesus Christ, Urie, shut up. I appreciated my dick plenty, okay? Are you happy now? Stop making that face. Okay. I miss having a penis. There. Is that good enough? Are we done; can I go back to writing songs?"
"Yes, you can go back to writing songs about how vaginas are lame," Brendon says. "Just like the first album."
"That's," Ryan says. "I'm done. Go away. I'm finished listening to you."
"You're as bad as Spencer." Brendon adds, "Actually, do you think you have PMS?"
"No. ... I hope not."
"I don't wanna catch it," Brendon says, and promptly wanders off.
Ryan stares after him.
Then Ryan frowns. He looks down.
Ryan Ross reaches into his pants, and it is one of the happiest moments of his life. He does not bother to smile. His joy is pure and simple, and transcends even facial expressions.
because here, you can have some for free. i'm pretty easy like that.
mutual appreciation society
ryan ross is a girl for a while. brendon urie is the only one who truly understands his pain. pg13. 1,384 words.
fuck you, disarm-d. ♥
It's only ten in the morning, and already Ryan looks distressed. He hasn't even put any eyeliner on yet, and his hair is a mess. "Guys. I think we have a problem."
Brendon blinks. He swallows a hastily-chewed mouthful of Cheerios and says, "Oh. What's up, man?"
Spencer says, "Yeah, what is it?"
Jon says, "The album's going to be fine. Don't worry about it."
Ryan says, "No. Guys. Come on. Can't you tell?"
"What?" Brendon asks.
Ryan says, "Come on."
"Uhm?" Spencer says.
"Jesus Christ, you guys, I'm a girl."
"Oh," Brendon says. "Huh? Is this some existential thing?"
Jon says, "It's okay, Ryan. We still accept you. Just -- seriously? Okay. Well, that's -- are you going to get surgery?"
Spencer says, "Huh."
Ryan says, "No. No, no, no, I am not a transsexual, shut up, I'm a girl." He hefts his shirt up, and, sure enough, there are breasts there. Sort of. They're very small, and look more like he's been bitten on the chest by a spider than anything else.
Spencer says, "I think that's just called gynocomastia or something. It happens. I wouldn't figure it'd be a problem for you, you've got such a low BMI, but." He shrugs. "Don't worry about it. The doctor can probably do something about it."
Ryan says, "Shit, guys, you suck."
Brendon says, "Yeah, I knew a dude in high school who had bitch tits. He was pretty cool anyway."
Ryan pulls down his pants.
"Oh," the three other boys say.
Brendon says, "Thanks, I really needed to see that at breakfast. Ew. Ew."
Spencer says, "Well, thanks for that, Ryan. You didn't even -- wait." He says, "Wait, but I've seen you naked before." Jon and Brendon stare at Spencer for a while. "What? Shut up, we're childhood friends. I have legitimate reasons. Huh. You really did turn into a girl. Okay."
"Okay," Jon says slowly.
Ryan says, "Guys, what do we do?"
Spencer says, "Seeing that none of us could tell, I don't think it matters."
Ryan says, "I want my dick back. I do not want to have a vagina."
"Really?" Jon says.
Brendon says, "So if you're a girl, how come your hair's the same? Your voice isn't even any higher."
Ryan swears under his breath. He says, "I'm calling Pete."
-
Pete says, "Oh, yeah, this one time me and Patrick switched bodies. That was pretty great. I guess it's not the same, though."
"No," Ryan says. "Really, not, because you both still had ... the right kind of equipment, at least."
Pete says, "Seriously, you better not be shitting me, you don't even sound any different. You know, hold up." There's a bit of noise on his end of the line as he covers the mouthpiece with his hand and shouts something. Then he's back, saying, "Yeah, Patrick says your voice wouldn't have changed anyway. It's not like it'd ... retrain how you speak or something? Because that's an acquired skill ...? I don't know. Talk to Patrick."
"No!" Ryan says. "Not -- in a minute. Look. How did you guys turn back? I know it's not the same, but maybe I can get an idea."
"Well," Pete says. "We just left Brazil. Are you guys, you're overseas right now, right?"
"No," Ryan says.
"Oh," Pete says.
-
Ryan travels to Brazil. He comes home. He is still a girl.
Keltie is the only person who notices on her own. His hands are a little smaller, maybe, she says.
-
Ryan says, "Pete, that didn't work."
"Oh," Pete says. "Damn. I don't know, dude, it was worth a shot."
Ryan says, "Shit. Shit, man, this is annoying."
Pete says, "At least you're not on your period. Now that would suck."
"Fuck," Ryan says. "I hadn't even thought of it."
"Forewarned is forearmed," Pete says sagely. "Hey. Hey. So can I stick my penis in your vagina sometime?"
Ryan hangs up on him.
-
Ryan says, "You guys seriously didn't notice? I -- but my --"
"It's not that obvious," Jon says.
"Actually," Brendon says.
Spencer says, "Brendon, that's just because you pay more attention to other dudes' crotches than is strictly necessary."
"I'll pay more attention to your crotch than is strictly necessary," Brendon says. "Hah."
"Right," Spencer says. "Really, thanks, but no." He says, "Anyway, Ryan, you were wearing sweatpants."
"So?" Ryan says.
Spencer sighs.
"Keltie's not freaking out, at least," Ryan says. "We still have sex. It's okay. Don't worry."
Spencer says, "Ryan, seriously, seriously, none of us care that much about your sex life."
Jon says, "That's pretty hot."
Brendon says, "Ew. Ryan Ross. That's messed up."
Ryan shrugs. "I just didn't want you guys to freak out and think she was going to break up with me."
"Yeah, that was definitely my first thought," Jon says.
"See," Ryan says.
"I was kidding."
"Oh."
Spencer says, "At least you can still play guitar, right?"
"I hate you all," Ryan says. "I don't want to be a lesbian."
Brendon starts giggling.
Ryan says, "Hate."
-
"It's okay, Ryan," Brendon says. "We'll find a way to help you. I've been trying to do research."
Ryan says, "Really?"
"Yeah," Brendon says. "Mostly all I found was some weird porn, I don't know. I'm still looking, though. I wouldn't want to have a vagina either."
"Finally," Ryan says. "At least this matters to someone."
"I mean, seriously." Brendon says, "That's so, so gross, dude."
"Uhm."
"I don't even -- seriously. So gross. I don't get the appeal of vaginas, seriously."
"Right," Ryan says. "Well. Thanks."
-
"Spencer," Brendon says. "Do you think Ryan's more graceful?"
"What?"
"He's got poise," Brendon says. "And I just wonder if it's because he was a girl."
"Uhm."
Brendon says, "I mean, girls are supposed to be graceful. Right?"
"I -- guess so," Spencer says. "Some of them are. It's not a universal thing, though."
Brendon says, "Oh. Well. Just, you know, he's handling this really gracefully, too. So I was just wondering."
Spencer says, "No, probably not."
"Okay. Just checking." He says, "I miss Ryan's penis."
Spencer stares at him.
"In an existential way. Metaphorically."
"Yeah, okay," Spencer says.
"I would miss yours too," Brendon says. "Literally."
"How?" Spencer says. "Brendon, how would you even -- no, don't answer that. I don't want to know."
"I've --"
"No."
"Okay. Sorry. I'm just saying. I'm glad you're not a girl, since --"
"No."
-
"Do you think we should make out?" Brendon says, looking worried.
"No."
"I mean, I'm just saying, what if you've just got to kiss a dude to turn back?" Brendon says. "I'd make that sacrifice for you. For the sake of the band, and for the sake of your missing penis."
"No, Brendon," Ryan says.
Brendon says, "Maybe if you said you missed it."
Ryan says, "I'm pretty sure that's not going to work either."
"You never know. What if it does?"
Ryan says, "Seriously, that wouldn't even make sense. It's not like I said I didn't want it or anything. It was just gone."
"Well, maybe if you acknowledged it," Brendon says.
-
"Spencer," Brendon says.
"No, I don't care about Ryan's penis," Spencer says.
"But it's -- that's not what I was going to say!" Brendon says. "That is not even ."
"Okay, what's up?"
"Spencer, you appreciate your penis, right?"
"What? Yes?"
"You don't sound sure," Brendon says. "I'm worried."
"Oh my god," Spencer says. "No. Where's Jon?" He pulls out his phone and flips it open. "Jon Walker, save me. You're where? What? No, twenty minutes is not okay. Fuck you. ... I love you, Jon, thank you."
"Spencer Smith," Brendon says. "I'll appreciate it for you. We can't risk it."
-
Ryan says, "Jesus Christ, Urie, shut up. I appreciated my dick plenty, okay? Are you happy now? Stop making that face. Okay. I miss having a penis. There. Is that good enough? Are we done; can I go back to writing songs?"
"Yes, you can go back to writing songs about how vaginas are lame," Brendon says. "Just like the first album."
"That's," Ryan says. "I'm done. Go away. I'm finished listening to you."
"You're as bad as Spencer." Brendon adds, "Actually, do you think you have PMS?"
"No. ... I hope not."
"I don't wanna catch it," Brendon says, and promptly wanders off.
Ryan stares after him.
Then Ryan frowns. He looks down.
Ryan Ross reaches into his pants, and it is one of the happiest moments of his life. He does not bother to smile. His joy is pure and simple, and transcends even facial expressions.