(no subject)

[prototypehero]

just got in from work. my dad was on the computer, and somehow we got to talking about colleges. i told him that i didn't want to go anywhere in state, and from there, things went to shit. for the next 45 minutes, he was kind enough to remind me of how fucking worthless i am. just when i thought he was finished, he walked away and then came back in, and told me not to get depressed over it, because there was still a chance that i could pull my grades up enough to get in a decent college. however, after that statement, he went directly into being "realistic" and continued to remind me that i'm worthless and my grades are shit, so me thinking about being anything more than a shitpacker when i grow up is just dreaming. the thing i hate most about him (besides everything else) is when he compares me to people. not respected people like bill gates or lincoln or anything like that, but the people i'm closest to. like alex, or melissa. tonight it was melissa. he pointed out how she's going to make it the top, and i'm going to be left behind, because she wasn't lazy and she took the initiative to study for tests and did their homework. basically, the whole point of his speech was that i'm too retarded to get a decent education, and everyone i know are going to get jobs as CEOs and doctors and stuff, while i'm living in a trailer. i'm so thankful for a wonderful dad that likes to emphasize all the bad things about me. i honestly don't ever remember hearing him say one good thing about me. if he does, it always has a "but..." after it. i'm not suprised about it, anyway, as he managed to put me in the shittiest schools arkansas has to offer.

sometimes, i wish he would die. or i would.

little angel, go away.
come again some other day.
the devil has my ear today,
i'll never hear a word you say.
promised i would find a little
solace and solace and some peace of mind, whatever just as long as i don't feel so...
desperate
ravenous
so weak and powerless
over you.

apc