Chapter 59: In Which It Has Been An Interesting Day
Today, it is exactly half a year since the death of my twin sister. Not a day goes by without me wishing to get to talk to her - if only one more time. Not an hour goes by without me wondering what she would say or do in a certain situation. Not a minute goes by without me thinking about her. Not a second goes by without me missing her.
I like to think that she is somewhere up there, taking care of my little Sigrid for me - a bit like I am looking after her son down here. But that does not mean that I would not rather have them both - Kristina and Sigrid - here with me. Edvin needs and deserves more than we can afford. Edvin needs his mum and dad. And I need my baby girl. (No, I do not talk about her. No, that does not mean that I would not think about her or miss her by every bloody breath I take.)
At times, I wish I could believe - that I had the faith I used to have. It would be so very relieving to fall down on my knees, cross my hand, drop my chin to my chest, and let it all pour out - the tears, the words, the bitterness, the anger, the longing, the sadness, the feelings - all of it.
But I know I shall not do that. No. I am too afraid to pray. Too afraid of no one listening to me. What have I done to deserve His love? I find it hard to believe that he would forgive all my sins just like that. SNAP - it is all gone. SNAP - I have regained my faith. SNAP - it all gets better.
Again, what have I done to deserve His love and grace? I have sinned, by words, thoughts and deeds, and been perfectly aware that what I do is a sin. I have given in to temptations without even trying to resist. If it feels good for a while, it is worth it. Even if it is wrong and against everything I have ever been taught. Sleeping with my boss - sure, as long as he knows his way around in the bed. (And he did.) Getting wasted every evening possible - sure, as long as I do not have a hangover the following morning. (Thank God I seldom get one.) Dating two men at the same time, while continuing to sleep with my boss at the same time, too - sure, why not, it should be fun. (And it was.)
Does that sound like something a Christian person would say, think or do? It sure does not for me. Besides, I cannot even begin to deny the fact that I blame God for everything that has happened to me. All the death and sickness around me. All the shit people I love have had to go through. In Finnish, we have a saying that translates into English as something in the lines of: "God never gives a man more than he can bear."
If that is true, then why is He giving me all this? I cannot even begin to bear this. I am too alone to bear all the losses. I am too weak to start looking for the strength I used to find in religion. I am too lost to find back home.
And frankly, I am glad that my sister does not see me now, as the person I have become. I hate the person I have become, but I do not know how to change back. Besides, the person that I now am is a lot tougher and stronger, in a way. Why should I want to become weak again? Every time I have given in, I have ended up hurt. Every time I reach up, I fall further down. Every time I trust, I get deceived.
Whine, whine, whine. Do I ever learn to value everything that I have? I doubt that. I can only see what I have lost - the man I loved, my sister, my daughter - instead of realising that I live in a great country, have a good job, amazing family, brilliant friends, and all that jazz. And all the great memories. Of the conversations with Kristina. Of Sigrid's crawling against my chest when kangaroo-ing. Of the exact way in which his arms used to tighten around me when I crawled into the bed next to him.
I miss all three of you more than I would have ever known. I can but hope that you guys are in a better place now. This place sure sucks now that you three have left. Chris, hun - I shall never love another man like I loved you. Kristina, sis - I shall never have a friend like you. Sigrid, sweetie - you shall always be with me.
"God, my Heavenly Father,
I want to thank you for
allowing me to have all
these wonderful people
in my life. God, grant
me the strength to
accept your ways, no
matter how much I miss
those who are no longer
here. Lord, grant me
your peace, lead me
back to your light and
your love. This I ask
in the name of my Lord,
Jesus Christ, your Son.
Amen."
I like to think that she is somewhere up there, taking care of my little Sigrid for me - a bit like I am looking after her son down here. But that does not mean that I would not rather have them both - Kristina and Sigrid - here with me. Edvin needs and deserves more than we can afford. Edvin needs his mum and dad. And I need my baby girl. (No, I do not talk about her. No, that does not mean that I would not think about her or miss her by every bloody breath I take.)
At times, I wish I could believe - that I had the faith I used to have. It would be so very relieving to fall down on my knees, cross my hand, drop my chin to my chest, and let it all pour out - the tears, the words, the bitterness, the anger, the longing, the sadness, the feelings - all of it.
But I know I shall not do that. No. I am too afraid to pray. Too afraid of no one listening to me. What have I done to deserve His love? I find it hard to believe that he would forgive all my sins just like that. SNAP - it is all gone. SNAP - I have regained my faith. SNAP - it all gets better.
Again, what have I done to deserve His love and grace? I have sinned, by words, thoughts and deeds, and been perfectly aware that what I do is a sin. I have given in to temptations without even trying to resist. If it feels good for a while, it is worth it. Even if it is wrong and against everything I have ever been taught. Sleeping with my boss - sure, as long as he knows his way around in the bed. (And he did.) Getting wasted every evening possible - sure, as long as I do not have a hangover the following morning. (Thank God I seldom get one.) Dating two men at the same time, while continuing to sleep with my boss at the same time, too - sure, why not, it should be fun. (And it was.)
Does that sound like something a Christian person would say, think or do? It sure does not for me. Besides, I cannot even begin to deny the fact that I blame God for everything that has happened to me. All the death and sickness around me. All the shit people I love have had to go through. In Finnish, we have a saying that translates into English as something in the lines of: "God never gives a man more than he can bear."
If that is true, then why is He giving me all this? I cannot even begin to bear this. I am too alone to bear all the losses. I am too weak to start looking for the strength I used to find in religion. I am too lost to find back home.
And frankly, I am glad that my sister does not see me now, as the person I have become. I hate the person I have become, but I do not know how to change back. Besides, the person that I now am is a lot tougher and stronger, in a way. Why should I want to become weak again? Every time I have given in, I have ended up hurt. Every time I reach up, I fall further down. Every time I trust, I get deceived.
Whine, whine, whine. Do I ever learn to value everything that I have? I doubt that. I can only see what I have lost - the man I loved, my sister, my daughter - instead of realising that I live in a great country, have a good job, amazing family, brilliant friends, and all that jazz. And all the great memories. Of the conversations with Kristina. Of Sigrid's crawling against my chest when kangaroo-ing. Of the exact way in which his arms used to tighten around me when I crawled into the bed next to him.
I miss all three of you more than I would have ever known. I can but hope that you guys are in a better place now. This place sure sucks now that you three have left. Chris, hun - I shall never love another man like I loved you. Kristina, sis - I shall never have a friend like you. Sigrid, sweetie - you shall always be with me.
"God, my Heavenly Father,
I want to thank you for
allowing me to have all
these wonderful people
in my life. God, grant
me the strength to
accept your ways, no
matter how much I miss
those who are no longer
here. Lord, grant me
your peace, lead me
back to your light and
your love. This I ask
in the name of my Lord,
Jesus Christ, your Son.
Amen."