The Prophet - May 20 2003
Kneazle harem says 'Hello Sooty'
By Lavender Brown
A kneazle called Sooty had a night to remember after escaping from his pen and tunneling into a cage of twenty-four females.
He romanced each of them in turn and was yesterday the proud father of forty-three offspring.
Staff at Little Friend's Farm in Bath have now secured Sooty's pen - and begun looking for homes for the new babies.
Hiw owner, Carol Feehan, fourty-two, said: "I'm sure a lot of men will be looking at Sooty with envy. We knew that he had gone missing after wriggling through the bars of his cage."
"We looked for him everywehre but never thought of checking the pen where we keep twenty-four females. We did a head count and found twenty-five kneazles - Sooty was fast asleep in the corner."
"He was absolutely shattered. We put him back in his cage and he slept for two days."
Copycat Pie Pervert Burnt
By Ticky Boxman
A teenager who tried to copy a scene from the muggle film American Pies by shagging an apple pie was rushed to the hospital with serious burns to his man-parts.
Dwight Emburger, 17, couldn't wait for the tasty pastry to cool down after he aqcuired it from Happy Hearth Bakery in Hogsmeade, run by Blaise Zabini's fiance, Hannah Abbott. After Emburger bought the pie, he couldn't wait to try it on for size. He was scalded by the hot filling.
A Mungo's spokesman said "This demonstrates that muggles who make films can do actual bodily harm with their suggestions. The filmmakers should consider the effects their films have on young and impressionable youth."
Classifieds:
New luxury spa in Bath looking to hire a full staff.
Hair stylists, masseuses, nail charmers, receptionists, etc.
Full time and part time positions available.
Stellar compensation.
Please contact Hermione Granger via the Prophet.
Newly accredited Master artisan, specializing in portraiture, seeks patronage.
Accomplished in both Muggle and Wizarding styles.
Also skilled in graphic design and layout (retail signage/adverts).
Will work on commission.
Contact Dean Thomas for more details.
Healing Hands of Hogsmeade.
Small, family-oriented clinic conveniently located in Hogsmeade.
Now accepting new clients.
Professional Medi-Witch and Master Potions Maker on staff.
We look forward to taking care of your family and welcoming you into ours!
Happy Hearth Bakery, Hogsmeade.
3 positions open. Seeking waitstaff, dishwashers.
Food handling exp not necessary, but a plus.
Contact Hannah Abbott.
Knight bus driver wanted.
Apply to the Department of Magical Transportation, Ministry of Magic.
Driver's permit not required.
Bean counter.
Bertie Bott's Bean Factory, Sussex.