(no subject)
so i went to the counselor on tuesday and it went well i guess i'm not sure what i was expecting so "well" is relative but i felt pretty good afterward and even felt well enough to talk to people again which was nice
the therapist??? counselor?? idk really but either way he listened to me which was nice and he took notes and didn't really put me down or call me out or make me feel stupid and didn't talk over me either which i really really appreciated. he gave me a really helpful handout of the behaviours and ways of thinking that contribute to my depression and anxiety and a lot of them were really relatable which isn't good but it was really helpful to see what things i engage in to help me identify when i do those things
i actually felt well until just a few hours ago so i think that's a really big improvement from just constant slogging about feeling like crap i felt so much lighter
on tuesday after my session i went to see nico after giving it a lot of thought because i actually felt up to it which was nice. she'd sent me a couple texts during the time that i was gone saying that she missed me and stuff but on tuesday she'd sent one in the morning saying that she loved and missed me and then another right around when i was looking for the counseling center i guess i'm not sure but it was her apologizing and saying that she really missed talking to me and wanted me to talk to her again and i felt kind of??? not bad but idk i felt some type of way about her apologizing because i didn't take the break because of her i took it because i absolutely needed it to get my mind right
beeboo also sent me some texts when i was gone but not as many because she was the one i told i was actually going away for a while so she knew but when she sent me one asking me to send her an emoji just so she knew i was still alive and i don't remember when i got the text but i remember not wanting to answer it and pointedly ignoring it but i felt like i was being so dramatic and i kind of guess i wanted that effect but i also just REALLY didn't want to answer any texts or talk to anyone and i ended up sending her a response like two days later at nine pm or something
people were worried about me (i had to fight really hard not to say "i guess people were worried about me" just now. it's really hard to get out of the mindset where you disqualify everything positive that you've done or have experienced, which is one of the things that was on the handout AND one of the things he mentioned while we were talking) which is nice but i'm not really sure how to feel accepting the fact that they were worried about me. it's hard for me to accept or enjoy kindness honestly so i am grateful but also a little uncomfortable because i don't think i'm that important which is another thing i have to work on.
i asked nico to hang out and i got lost while i was trying to get out of lake worth because i've never driven down there, only ridden the bus so i had a very vague knowledge of where i was going and where i was and ended up taking a long time to orient myself which gave me a ton of time to catch up with beeboo which i very much appreciated. she told me that she had been lonely when i was gone and that she figured nico must have been lonely as well because she talked to her (beeboo has kind of an annoying habit of thinking nico doesn't like her or talk to her but makes very little effort to let nico know that she's interested in talking to her)
she also told me that because she knew i was gone on purpose that she didn't get too worried but because i guess nico told her she was worried about me, she started to get worried too and that's when she sent me the text.
when i finally got to nico's which must've been at least forty five minutes she was really excited to see me and i was actually shocked. she cried when she opened the door because she'd really missed me a lot and i just hugged her for a long time and kissed her head and told her i didn't leave because i was angry or upset with her and that she didn't do anything wrong
i'm getting a little teary right now thinking about it because it is REALLY REALLY hard to accept that people care about me THAT MUCH even though it's right in front of my face. it's right there but something in me doesn't want to believe and wants to ignore it wants to tell me that everything i think and experience is shit and that all the good stuff like people loving me and caring about me and missing me and wanting me around doesn't count. and it does count. and i don't know why it's so hard to accept it and so hard to wrap my head around. it counts it absolutely counts but even as i'm writing this i'm second guessing myself and trying to rationalize why it doesn't count
i have to make another appointment so i'm gonna try and go in for thursday but i think he said he's only available through wed?? hm i don't remember i'll figure smth out