(no subject)
Sooo...
i'm in the lobby updating from their vintage Vaio computer. Awesome!
Tomorrow is MCR, where I can scream my little heart out for an hour and a half. I feel so, so lucky to have the opportunity to see them twice this tour.
I'm really enjoying it here, and I actually think I might be able to post my photos from here if the comp would let me upload them as a removable drive. I will have to try that tomorrow...but I left the camera upstairs in the room and I don't feel like going all the way up there to grab it. And it's so good to see Ky again! It's like we don't even have to talk, I'm just so happy to see her, although I feel terrible for keeping her up late. Ahh, it's all my fault (though she says it's not, I cannot help but feel bad)
I'm glad we got here when we did, because apparently they're having problems with the key card making machine, so we would have had to have a hotel staff member "escort" us to our room whenever we wanted to get in if we'd gotten here much later. Awesome.
Ka has been talking almost nonstop about all different things, including her relationship with Cc...mad props to that dude, I do not know how he does it! She's in full swing with the complaining about random shit all the time...anything from how tomato soup is normally made too thick for her tastes, to the noise the train makes, to her boyfriend's "stupid" phone...Not that I don't like her, but it's really overbearing. She wants me to live with her, and I don't see how that'd be possible, really. We would really have to live separate lives, which is fine with me, I just don't want to offend.
Anyway, I've also been thinking a lot about "life" and the direction I need to nudge mine in. This vacation comes right before I'm starting a new, full time job in a real office...but still not getting paid very well to do so. I've been thinking about going back to school for guidance, but I haven't taken the GREs yet, so I'm not quite sure if I'll even be able to go in the fall as I had planned. I know people could say that I wasted a lot of time over the past year, but I really needed that time to figure out what was going on in my life, in my head. I graduated with a degree that qualified me fo a "good" job (teaching middle and high school english), but after student teaching, I realized that I would not be able to do. I was sick, tired, and fed up with school, so I didn't even want to think about continuing to grad school...
So no, I don't think I wasted time. I needed to grow and change. But I could have been much more productive, that is undoubtable. I still learned a lot, though.
Anyway, I think someone's going to kick me off this computer soon, but I'm just getting to what I wanted to say. Thinking about this whole growing up and job thing, taking a job that's semi-permanant, that more grown ups work at than college kids, that's full time....It's opressive. The feeling that I can literally see the course of my boring, stupid life, and ultimate death is so opressive. When I get back from this vacation, I'll be starting something of a new life. It's scary, but not because of starting new things, because I'll be thinking of all the new things that I won't be able to do now. I know no choice is ever final in our lives until we're dead, and people who are in their late fifties switch careers and find fulfillment after years of shitty jobs, marriages, or whatever else they thought would be good and satisfy them for the rest of their life. But, again, I literally see my life fading out in front of me, I feel it slipping away in every morning that I wake up and I'm unable to change the course of anything. I looked at 23 year olds in high school that, to me, seemed to be living their dreams. I imagined that I could do that too, but, of ourse, I am not living my dreams...and I realize now that it takes more than luck, or a dream, or the drive to pursue it to direct the course of your life; It's a volatile cocktail of the three of those esoteric liquours. "Just keep swimming!", right?
I should go back to reading tarot regularly...it's comforting to put your situations beyond "woe is me"...there are no new obstacles, only people who are facing them for the first time, right?
what would Chris do?
This entry is long enough. I'll post now.
i'm in the lobby updating from their vintage Vaio computer. Awesome!
Tomorrow is MCR, where I can scream my little heart out for an hour and a half. I feel so, so lucky to have the opportunity to see them twice this tour.
I'm really enjoying it here, and I actually think I might be able to post my photos from here if the comp would let me upload them as a removable drive. I will have to try that tomorrow...but I left the camera upstairs in the room and I don't feel like going all the way up there to grab it. And it's so good to see Ky again! It's like we don't even have to talk, I'm just so happy to see her, although I feel terrible for keeping her up late. Ahh, it's all my fault (though she says it's not, I cannot help but feel bad)
I'm glad we got here when we did, because apparently they're having problems with the key card making machine, so we would have had to have a hotel staff member "escort" us to our room whenever we wanted to get in if we'd gotten here much later. Awesome.
Ka has been talking almost nonstop about all different things, including her relationship with Cc...mad props to that dude, I do not know how he does it! She's in full swing with the complaining about random shit all the time...anything from how tomato soup is normally made too thick for her tastes, to the noise the train makes, to her boyfriend's "stupid" phone...Not that I don't like her, but it's really overbearing. She wants me to live with her, and I don't see how that'd be possible, really. We would really have to live separate lives, which is fine with me, I just don't want to offend.
Anyway, I've also been thinking a lot about "life" and the direction I need to nudge mine in. This vacation comes right before I'm starting a new, full time job in a real office...but still not getting paid very well to do so. I've been thinking about going back to school for guidance, but I haven't taken the GREs yet, so I'm not quite sure if I'll even be able to go in the fall as I had planned. I know people could say that I wasted a lot of time over the past year, but I really needed that time to figure out what was going on in my life, in my head. I graduated with a degree that qualified me fo a "good" job (teaching middle and high school english), but after student teaching, I realized that I would not be able to do. I was sick, tired, and fed up with school, so I didn't even want to think about continuing to grad school...
So no, I don't think I wasted time. I needed to grow and change. But I could have been much more productive, that is undoubtable. I still learned a lot, though.
Anyway, I think someone's going to kick me off this computer soon, but I'm just getting to what I wanted to say. Thinking about this whole growing up and job thing, taking a job that's semi-permanant, that more grown ups work at than college kids, that's full time....It's opressive. The feeling that I can literally see the course of my boring, stupid life, and ultimate death is so opressive. When I get back from this vacation, I'll be starting something of a new life. It's scary, but not because of starting new things, because I'll be thinking of all the new things that I won't be able to do now. I know no choice is ever final in our lives until we're dead, and people who are in their late fifties switch careers and find fulfillment after years of shitty jobs, marriages, or whatever else they thought would be good and satisfy them for the rest of their life. But, again, I literally see my life fading out in front of me, I feel it slipping away in every morning that I wake up and I'm unable to change the course of anything. I looked at 23 year olds in high school that, to me, seemed to be living their dreams. I imagined that I could do that too, but, of ourse, I am not living my dreams...and I realize now that it takes more than luck, or a dream, or the drive to pursue it to direct the course of your life; It's a volatile cocktail of the three of those esoteric liquours. "Just keep swimming!", right?
I should go back to reading tarot regularly...it's comforting to put your situations beyond "woe is me"...there are no new obstacles, only people who are facing them for the first time, right?
what would Chris do?
This entry is long enough. I'll post now.